Good Chick Flick

Yesterday, the cure for my blues was going to a chick flick with one of my best friends. I saw 27 Dresses and it was FABULOUS! I laughed and laughed and ooohed and awwwwed. It's funny how going to a 90something minute movie can make you forget all your issues. So, going to the movies (especially a funny movie) is a great way to make you feel better...that and a great pair of shoes or finding a an outfit or something you want at a great price.

Christmas Blues

Yeah, Christmas wasn't so great. I didn't realize how sad I really am until today. I just wish that those (i.e. my family) would get it. They don't understand how hard it really is because they have never experienced something like this. So, today I am going to wallow in myself and be bummed. This evening I will pick myself up, brush myself off, put on my happy face and take it again one day at a time.

19

Yep, nineteen months logged in and still waiting.

Fingerprints...Done and an Anniversary

Yesterday I got my fingerprints redone. Woo-hoo. I really hope that I don't have to renew them again. The guard/receptionist guy said to me, "Wow! Haven't seen one of these in a while...they usually come in spurts." That was interesting. The lady who did my fingerprints felt so bad that I still hadn't gotten my child so she's going to pray for me. This is good. The more people who pray for a speedup the better. So next milestone is receiving my renewal of my I-171H.

I saw Alvin and the Chipmunks last night with my friend, D. It was okay. The people behind us kept talking loudly despite D's loud teacherly shusshing and so it was hard to concentrate. Kids will like it though. It was nostalgic though when they sang the Christmas song. It made me remember the Alvin and the Chipmunks album I had growing up and my sister and I would sing along. My favorite was Ragtime Cowboy Joe.

I have my Christmas shopping done and now I am preparing my house for Christmas (cleaning! yuck!). I am again hosting since it keeps me busy and my mind off of the disappointment of physically not having my Gracie with me this Christmas. This time it looks like my parents, my sister, her husband and the three kiddos as well as my aunt, her girlfriend and my other aunt are coming over. I'm pretty much doing all of the cooking...turkey breast, ham, tamales, mashed potatoes, beans, rolls, cranberry, truffle pie...it'll be good. Then we can play DDR (Dance Dance Revolution) and work it all off.

OH! I did get some good news the other day. Summer school is going to be at my school this summer so that means extra money (like nice extra money) which translates into more money for my adoption fund. Maybe this was one of the reasons that I haven't received my referral...God is making sure I have more than enough money.

Lastly, on this date in 2005 (2 years ago), I received a coveted single spot from my agency. It has been an interesting, life changing and unpredictable experience thus far. Happy Anniversary!

It Must be Fate!

Today, my best friend Sandra and I played hooky and did our annual Christmas shopping trip to the outlet mall. So, Sandra needed to get ornaments for her department because she wanted to add that to the chocolate/orange cookies that she was baking for them. We found a store that had ornaments for $.99 which is a steal. I am so not totally looking for anything. I put up my little tree and I think I'm good for ornaments. We were walking along the shelves and what do I spy? Chinese New Year zodiac animal ornaments and Chinese robes! Of course, I get one of every one that they had. This really isn't the fate part, it'll come a bit later. Then Sandra keeps walking down the aisle and lo and behold, what does she find? An ornament of an orange dipped in chocolate (like her cookies) and it was marked even lower! How cool was that! Okay, so here comes the fate part. Sandra glances back and sees these little pink, foofy stockings that had little girls' names on them. She asks me to look for one with her daughter's name, Holly. I go over to the rack, I grab one and the name on it is "Grace". "Hmmm...kinda strange," I think to myself. I go to the backside of the rack to a whole different row and grab another one, guess what that one says? You guessed it, Grace! I think it is a sign that my daughter indeed will be coming home soon. Now, I looked at the rest of the stockings because my first thought was that the rack only had stockings with "Grace" on them but those were the only two. I couldn't find a Holly one. Of course, I did buy the stocking and what made it even better, it was only $1.07 including tax! It's small things like this that God gives us to remind us that good things (our children) are coming around the bend. It helps us hold onto that fragile ledge that we're clinging to for our dear lives during this bumpy ride of Chinese adoption. It truly has been my saving Grace for this week.

UGH and Small things that make me happy

I admit that I'm a rebel at work. Not in a bad way though. I don't let administration bully me and I really advocate for my library and my assistant. Today was one of those days that I was bucking the system. I was already in a bad mood because my AP decided to move all the furniture in my library for our faculty meeting so he could have just chairs in a circle. Yeah, that's great and all but I had students coming in first period to check out books and they couldn't get into the stacks because there was furniture in the rows! Did my AP make sure the custodians were ready to put it back together? Was he there helping me, Anita, my student aide move furniture frantically so we'd be ready? That would be No, and No. So, he was not my favorite person. So, when he made me draw for a day of the week to do D-hall for tardy sweep (3:45-4:15), I pretty much came unglued. It may not sound like much to everybody else, but my library is open until 4 every day. I have more kiddos coming in after school now because the mornings (again, another duty, every day from 7:50 until 8:20) have now been invaded by an academic coaching center and alot of my regulars need peace and quiet to do what they need to do. ANYWAYS...to make a long story shorter, we exchanged e-mails that resulted with me not having to be part of it, but it took a very strong voice. I know my friend, D, who is a teacher at my school thinks I'm being a big whiner, but she doesn't get it. I, unlike her, am on duty every morning before and after school. Tardies don't affect me so the whole tardy problem honestly isn't my problem. I do hall duty and herd kids to class during passing periods. Anyways, it's fixed.

BUT, what made me happy was knowing that I have new books coming in from processing. There are several titles that I'm dying to read (as are some of my kids who saw that they have been entered into the catalog and they are busting at the seams). And the other thing that made me very happy was doing a whole installation of an under cabinet CD player in my kitchen with no help. I was so proud of myself. I'm a regular Renaissance Woman.

Two more days until Winter Break. I can make it. I still have a lot of shopping to do. My mom told me she wasn't going to do any more shopping before Christmas and she would get me what I wanted after Christmas. You think it would be much asking her for my daughter? Honestly, that IS the ONLY thing I REALLY want for Christmas.

Cure for the Christmas Blues

For those of us who have been waiting and waiting and waiting, the holidays, especially Christmas are trying times for us. In our minds we are picturing celebrating these joyous days with our children who we have been waiting for. The realization that it's not going to be this year is heartbreaking for most of us. Last year our thought was, "I'll have her this time next year." That thought again is playing through our minds like a broken record. We have to hold onto these little pieces of hope so we can keep our sanity. We have well-meaning relatives and friends asking us the one million dollar question of when the joyous day will occur which is like a knife in our guts. We don't know and we have to remember that they don't get our pain and that they really are well-meaning when they ask these questions (these questions that make us want to poke our eyes out with spoons!). We also go shopping and see children who might resemble our children on Santa's lap or we go into stores and see cute outfits or toys that we want to get for our children. It makes it hurt that much more and the holidays become something that depresses us. I'm tired of being sad and depressed. So, I have to gear up (gird my loins as it was said in The Devil Wears Prada) put on my smilesand take a deep breath and try to focus on something else. I have decided that this Christmas, I am going to do a little retail therapy and focus on my family, friends and my furry baby, Hope. I am going to sing Christmas carols as loud as I can when I'm in my car. I'm decorating my Christmas tree and putting the wreath on my door. I'm going to send out Christmas cards. Finally, I'm going to do a lot of praying for all of us that we will see positive movement in our waiting line and I'm going to pray for patience for all of us. I tell you, I'm singing Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer pretty loud right now and it feels better (my neighbors might not think so) and I've got some Christmas cookies for breakfast and I'm thinking, I'm going to be all right. We all will. We can make it!

BTW...they took the lump from Shannon and it turns out it didn't go into her lymph nodes. That was my Christmas miracle (because they said it was a fast moving, active cancer). So, this leads me to believe that all things are possible and this truly is my cure for my Christmas blues.

DDR & Luo Pan

I have to tell you that I truly do believe in fate. It's small, stupid, and insignificant things that truly make me a believer. Today was an example. I had to go to Wal Mart today to get kleenex and water for work. Strange, I know, but we needed them. I wanted to go earlier around 9ish but Shannon and I both forgot our lunch (actually we haven't been bringing it this last few weeks) and I was going to go out to get it. I didn't want to leave twice because I didn't want to lose my space, leave Shannon twice and frankly, I was feeling a bit lazy after my whole blood pressure episode yesterday. I decided to go around 11ish and then pick up our favorite Subway Meatball Marina meal right afterwards. I got what I needed but I wanted to check the prices of the coax cables so I went to the electronics section. I have a Wii and I am totally wanting DDR & Guitar Hero so I went to the case and to my surprise I found 2 things: DDR (Dance Dance Revolution) and 2 Wii systems. My parents had been wanting a Wii for themselves (my dad likes to play golf and bowling and it keeps them from bickering) so I was able to get both. These things are like hard to get. It was fate because they had just put them out and there were 3 people after me looking for them. So, now my parents are proud owners of Wii. I'm still on the hunt for Guitar Hero though. I'm so ready to "play" a little Metallica.

I got my Luo Pan yesterday for Gracie and for my best friend's daughter, Holly. I got them from Annabelle's Wish and 100% of the profits go to help Annabelle's Wish which helps Chinese orphanages. They still have plenty available. I'll have to put a link or you can google it to get one. It's only $10 a doll. Luo Pan is too cute and I can't wait until my daughter gets her. Holly, who will be 8 months next week and who just started crawling two days ago is 1/4 Chinese (my best friend Sandra is half) will love having a doll that looks like her.

So I guess what I have learned today is that fate has a way of righting everything. My time will come and all will be right. I'm hanging onto this.

Double Good News

I got good news yesterday. It's weird to even say how excited and relieved I am over something like this but yesterday Shannon found out that it's only stage 1 cancer and is only in that one place. It seems that it is only 1.6 cm but it is an active cancer. She will have a lumpectomy next Thursday and they will probably take out some lymph nodes. Radiation for a couple of weeks will follow that and possibly chemo. I can't tell you how relieved I felt yesterday when I heard this news. I am so thankful to God that I don't have the words to express my gratitude. I did go out and get her get well/Christmas present early, Guitar Hero III so she can actually have fun during her recovery time. I just told her not to pop any stitches when in star mode!

The other good news is that the stork landed and people got to see their child's faces for the first time these last couple of days. It means we are one step closer to seeing our children's faces. We will get through this and in the end, this wait will seem like a blink of an eye. I know it's hard and it sucks, but we do know this...We will be next one day soon and we will get our children! Have a great weekend! I plan on it because life seems a little more precious to me!

Sad News

Today was my sister's 41st birthday but one of my saddest days. One of my closest friends as well as my assistant found out this morning that the lump in her breast was indeed cancer. I'm devestated for her and her family. She just lost her mother in June. I pray that it hasn't spread to other parts of her body. I pray for strength for her and her family to overcome this terrible disease. Before she found out, she told me that she had prayed to God that if it was cancer, that He would give her the strength she would need to overcome it and handle it. I think she knew deep down because she was worried. She's always the strong one who doesn't worry. She's still the strong one. She was comforting her daughter and not vice versa. I am in awe ofher strength. So, what I am going through in waiting for my child is NOTHING as compared to what she is going through. I am going to be strong to help support her and I'm going to pray, pray, pray.

18

Today marks 18 months of waiting for Grace.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was a nice, peaceful and relaxing day for me and my family. It was just me, my mom and dad. The food was good, we talked, watched TV and went to see August Rush. It was a day that made me reflect on all of the things that I am thankful for. So, here goes...
I am thankful for

• My faith in God
• My family, especially my parents
• My grandparents
• Knowing that I will be a parent someday soon
• My dog Hope
• My friends, especially D and Shannon and Matt
• My fantastic job
• My house
• My car
• My ability to laugh at myself
• My tenacity
• laughter
• Hope (you know seeing things in a positive light)
• Loving and being loved
• Being able to get up and motivate and move around
• Good health
• Books
• Chocolate
• Italian food
• Bread
• Pumpkin pie
• Whoppers
• Muppets
• Disneyworld and Disneyland
• Beautiful art and buildings
• the Beach
• Beautiful weather
• Jeans that make you look good
• Beautiful and comfy shoes
• Purses
• Funky jewelry

Okay...I could go on and on, but I do have a lot to be thankful for this year. It helps when I can write it down and read it. I don't feel so bummed.

I actually dragged my butt out of bed this morning around 4ish to go to JCPenney's for the annual Black Friday sales. I am hoping this will be my last one for a while, not that I don't enjoy the hunt. I got some good deals. I only spent about an hour there and went back home and crashed. My family came over for leftovers, including my sister and my niece and nephews. We played Amazing Race game, WII and then went and saw Enchanted. Another great day to be thankful for. I'm praying for all of us still...we're thankful that we will have that chance to have a child from China and I'm praying it will come sooner than we all expect.

Ladybug sightings and Yellowjackets

Today, my mom called me and said that she had a ladybug in her lap. Then my best friend called me later to say that she had one in her car. Double yea! Last but not least, I found a penny heads up on the sidewalk on my daily walk with my dog and mom. Triple luck! Could this be a sign of good things to come? I certainly hope so.

Of course, my luck was briefly marred by my encounter with a yellow jacket in my bathroom. I am telling on myself big time. In fact it's embarassing but funny at the same time. I was in the bathroom, doing what we do in the bathroom, when I felt something on my ponytail. Well, what do you do when this thing keeps bugging you...you swat at it, which led me to realizing that it was a yellow jacket. It gave me a mini sting on my thumb and proceeded park itself on my chones (underwear in spanish) around my ankles. All I could think about was getting stung in personal places and I began to panic. So, when you panic, you try to flick it off your drawers. I thought I was successful and as I was pulling them up, an electric needle prick burned into my upper thigh. A high pitch strangled scream was reverberating off the bathroom walls...I realized it was coming from me. I knocked that yellow jacket to the floor with my magazine and boy did I squish it. I didn't once think about Bee Movie...I had to squish it. I have never shimmied out of my jeans so fast as I sprinted to put some comfrey leaf salve on it. I now have a small red spot that's a bit sore, courtesy of a yellow jacket. I'm sure it'll teach him to bother a person in the bathroom again.

So, here's hoping that the ladybugs bring us all luck! Happy Thanksgiving to all. May you have many blessings!

One More Week and then VACATION

I just got back from the Spurs game and they were killing the Bucks (poor Bucks...I didn't know they had a player from China). There was this cute little girl and her father sitting behind us (my friend got us seats in a superbox which was SUPER COOL) and it reminded me of when my dad used to take me to the Spurs game when I was little. It was a nice distraction.

Turkey Day aka Thanksgiving is my FAVORITE holiday. I can't wait. I have dreams of turkey, stuffing, rolls, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, and PUMPKIN PIE! My mom is hosting and I'm cooking. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE cooking this meal and I'm so excited that I get to. The sad thing is that my family is split so I probably won't get to see my grandparents (one of my aunt's is taking them to their friend's house) and my uncle is going somewhere else, and my other two aunts, who knows where they'll go (both are unmarried...one lives elsewhere). Frankly, because of all of the drama and things that have been revealed about them (i.e. my aunt putting my grandparents' stuff in storage only to take it out and sell it without permission from my grandparents!...being ugly to each other, etc., etc.) I'd rather they not come and I can share my favorite holiday with my parents, sister, her husband and their three kids and my dog Hope. It just makes it easier. I just hope that next year, which was the same wish I had last year, that my daughter will share my favorite holiday with me next year.

Gotta Love That Stork and Travel Training

The stork has landed yet again at my agency. For a supposedly small month, my agency had quite a few referrals for one LID date. What's good about it, is that the line has moved yet again. It's baby steps closer, but the key word is CLOSER! I'm very excited for everybody who received referrals. Yippee!

I went to travel training workshop this weekend. I took my parents (since my mom is going to travel). The one thing I learned that I honestly never knew was that not to wear religious jewelry because Christianity is illegal in China. I did a little research, being the information specialist that I am, and it's sort of true. Religion is controlled by the government and one must worship in approved government churches and no where else. I understand that they will not build more Christian churches even though Christianity is growing so people are gathering and worshipping in other places and thus getting in major trouble. Makes me happy that I am in a country where I can worship at home or at church and I won't get arrested. The other thing that I learned is that my agency hopes to still travel during the Olympics but will avoid Beijing.

17

Seventeen months since I have been logged in. Wow! I can't believe it. Here's to a speedup...trying to be positive.

Big Decision

This past weekend, after much, much thought, prayer and discussion with my family, I decided to apply to my agency's waiting child program. This doesn't mean that I will be referred a SN child. It just means that I have allowed this option. This wait had really opened my eyes to the program. I honestly was afraid of dealing with this as a single parent. However, after much consideration, I decided I could. Who knows what will happen. I'll continue the wait for my daughter and I'm going to love and care for her because she is that, my daughter. Honestly, a child who is labeled NSN could have an SN that is not visably apparent. So, we'll see what happens. I honestly haven't a clue.

Disneyland Adventure

A Dream is a wish your heart makes

Can I just say that Disneyland is truly one of the best places to escape? I took my 9 year old niece this past week and we whooped it up like two tween girls. We ate junk, got on rides and laughed, laughed, and laughed. It was a lot of walking, but Space Mountain is so worth it. I was able to escape from my world, into an enchanting world where everything is a bit overpriced, but it's so fun. I discovered that it truly is a small world and that the song is really annoying! We loved Mr. Toad despite the fact he ends up in h-e double hockey sticks (at least that's what we figured...we learned that driving should be done with diligence and caution!) We also found out that the Abominable Snowman is not scary but his sled is one heck of a ride. The wait for Nemo was outrageous so we decided another time to visit with the cute clownfish. It was fun visiting with various Disney characters and seeing the great shows (except The Golden Scream and High School Musical 2, Alex was bummed about them). All I know is that we all need a small break now and then and this was definitely what I needed. I'm so glad my niece thought it was cool to hang with her Aunt Jamie for a few days. I'm glad she's a tough cookie who can withstand getting soaked on Grizzly Rapids and getting a blister on her foot because of the wet socks (I brought dry clothes but not socks, duh!) I'm glad to be home but I can't wait until the next time I can escape to the world of Disney. It is the happiest place on earth.

Time keeps ticking away

Time has gone by fast. I can't believe that it has been two years since I started this process. There have been good days and bad days. This past weekend was a rough one for me. I had to go to my cousin's baby welcome home party. I spent Sunday morning in tears. I'm so sad and frustrated that I started my journey way before she did and here she is now, holding her son. I'm still waiting to hold my daughter. I know that sounds petty but that was how I was feeling. Then I started thinking about how big of a baby I'm being and that some of my fellow waiting famiies have been waiting longer and grieving more because of infertility. How selfish am I? So, I got myself together and went. It was hard, but I went. We all have our good days and our bad days. This was my bad weekend. For all of you waiting, my thoughts and prayers are with all of us that we will have the strength and patience we need to make the wait.

No referrals for my agency!

The word is that there are no referrals for my agency this round. When I think that it's going to pick up, it downshifts and gets even slower. I guess that's what I get for thinking huh? I am very happy for all of those who did receive their referrals today. They have waited 22 months to hear the magic words "You have a child!" Our day too will come. Let's hope soon.

Sixteen months and Bad Rumors

It has now been sixteen months since I have been logged in for Grace. A wait that was originally projected at a year continues to expand. I know in the end it will be worth it. I just take it a day at a time and pray for patience and a speedup. I really hope that it doesn't go over 24 months.

I have started reading RQ again and now the buzz is that an American agency is getting their referrals way ahead of everybody else. People are debating on how it should be handled. I agree that it is unethical, if this is the case. And it does suck if it is the case. However, I have to remind myself that not all people are ethical in the word and we've seen this sort of behavior in international adoption in other countries. I guess many of us who are adopting from China believed, hoped, that it wouldn't happen there. We have been told that it's a predictable process and that's one of the reasons so many of us adopt from China. Is there anything we can do? What would be the possible outcomes if we caused an inquisition? Does China really care? Should the agencies be the one to police this? I don't have an answer. Getting upset over something like this really is a waste of energy for me because the only person it affects would be me. I have no control over that situation. I have better things to freak out over. It should be interesting to see how this situation plays out. Will it impact future adoptions from China for those of us waiting? Who knows, but I for one know my daughter is in China and I'll be reuinted with her at the right time.

The Moldy Library

I don't know if I already told ya'll this but it is now official: my library has mold. Well, we knew that but finally Central Office believes us. It took the mold guy to say so. Before, it was just the allergens outside making us sick. But, even though they have admitted it, you know it will take ages for them to fix the problem. According to them, it's a design problem. Actually, it's the brainiac who put the humidity censor in our office (which was 4 years ago) and when the doors are closed, it doesn't sense the humidity level in the actual library and so it doesn't cool because it thinks it's peachy because it is only sensing my office. It was fine when they messed with the Air Conditioning three years ago. Oh well. The bad thing is that we've been getting headaches and stuffiness as a result of the mold. Right now, I'm pretty bad off with the stuffy nose and sore throat. It's especially bad this year (actual mold on the books) because we had a very rainy summer and they kept the air conditioner off. Again...Central Office has a bunch of BRILLIANT people making great decisions. Let's hope they get it together.

On a brighter note, Diane, my awesome Waiting Buddy, sent me the coolest lady bug sun catcher and rolling bug. I also saw a ladybug on my trash can yesterday morning. I was so excited. I left him/her alone and I hope that it will bring a speedup and a big ol batch of referrals.

Prepping for the Homestudy Update

I'm getting ready for my homestudy update. I have an appointment on September 24th. I was checking out my house and thinking, "Boy, I need to get this place together again." So, that is what I'll be doing. I don't know how things accumulate, but they do. I know that when I become a mom, it'll compound even faster. I'll also be sending in my paperwork to renew my I-171 H. It expires in October. I'm hoping this that this will be the only time I'll renew. I've spoken to my referral counselor and she seems to be optimistic that it'll be around 2 years or a bit more. I'm going to be optimistic and pray and wish for that. I have bunches of people praying for that and I believe in the power of prayer.

On a brighter note, I'm going to Disneyland with my niece in October. I'm so excited. We're going for a Thursday through Saturday. Yippee. I am a big ol kid. I can't wait for Space Mountain!

Stork Landings and Time Frames

I really do love stork landings. I love to read people's blogs and share their joy in getting their precious referrals. I like to live vicariously through them because it gives me hope knowing that one day it will be me waiting for the call, posting my referral on this blog. It's exciting. So, here is my hope...not my miracle hope, but my hope...the wait stays about 21 to 24 months and not much more. I really would love for it to get shorter and I still pray for that (that would be my miracle request)...but 21 to 24 months, I think it's something I can try to deal with. It will be frustrating but in the end, so very worth it. Yeah, and I think I am going to light some candles and do some novenas.

On a brighter note, I lost 4.8 lbs my first week on Weight Watchers. Yea for me.

So, when will it be my turn?

Three teachers...count them three oh wait four, if you include a male teacher whose wife is expecting are having babies this Spring. So, yes, I'm feeling a little whiny! When is it MY TURN? I waited longer than all of them. It's not fair, fair, fair! Okay, deep breath, I have it out of my system, (I think...probably until the baby showers and then I'm going to feel all whiny again). So this is what I think...if they are all getting their babies in 08, then so am I gosh darnit. I think what bothers me is the "I'm so excited for all the pregnant people" from everybody around and then they look at me, ask the dreaded question of when and give you this sad, pathetic look when you tell them you don't know, it's taking longer than expected. It's the pity look I think that hurts worse than the words. So, this is what I want to tell people, but honestly, I don't know if I have it in me because I think it would come out offensive to them. Here it is..."Thank you for caring about me and my child. I know that you care, but your questions and pity looks are a reminder of my wait which is hard enough. I have to put on my happy face and tell myself everyday that it's not in my time but in God's time, but you know, I am human and it really sucks that my wait keeps increasing and increasing. I struggle everyday and sometimes I don't even want to think about my daughter who is waiting for me in China because I don't have her physically with me. If you know you have something important in another place and you couldn't get it right away, wouldn't it be torture for you, especially if people keep bringing it up and you know there is nothing that you can do? So please, for my own sanity, please don't ask me anymore. If I hear anything, you can better believe that I'm going to be shouting it from the rooftops." I know we are all trying to keep our happy faces on and we don't want to hear the negative. I know I don't do especially well hearing the gloom and doom. I really do try to be positive. Sometimes I wish that I hadn't said anything to anyone. Hindsight is 20-20. I will make it as well all of us who are waiting. We get it and we have each other to cry with. So, I am going to pick myself up now from my pity party, raise a toast to all of us (with soymilk) and say, "We will be getting our children sooner than we expect!" Cheers ya'll

I'm a Big 'Ol Slacker

Hi, my name is Jamie and I'm a big ol slacker. But I have finally come back to my senses even though this is the first week back to school (which is very hectic and crazy especially with sixth graders wandering aimlessly throughout the school because they are lost and unsure of where they are supposed to go and don't even know when it's time to leave or how to even leave the building). Today I wrote my check to my agency with my renewal contract so that I can get my homestudy updated. I will mail it first thing tomorrow. I have already had my physical (I got the results today and basically I'm still in good health but I need to lay off the sweets and breads and exercise more thus started Weight Watchers yesterday and joined a gym to up my exercise of walking Hope). My next step is beginning the renewal process of the lovely I-171H. I know that I will NOT have to renew again. I keep saying that...it's a new mantra for me.

I can't believe that it has been 15 months since LID. Time really has flown by fast. I'm thinking it will keep whizzing by and it will soon be time for me to get Grace. There is still a small part of me hoping for this year but it's teeny tiny when you look at stats. But, you know, stranger things have happened.

Tomorrow, Shannon and I are going to see Def Leppard and she got our seats upgraded to a box. Yippee! I'm so excited...I'm going out on a school night. I might not feel so excited on Friday morning though.

Frustrations

I don't know about those of you who are waiting, like me, but aren't you get frustrated with people asking when over and over and over after you have already told them you don't know? And then they say, "It's taking too long!" Okay, first of all, THEY aren't the ones waiting to be the parent. Can they get that if it's frustrating for them then how frustrating it must be for the people waiting? I'm really polite but I'm really tired of rehashing and explaining the whole process. I'm glad they are excited but I'm tired of the questions right now. I'm under a lot of stress already with the new regime at my school. It seems that I'm in a constant battle with our relatively new AP who now thinks he's God and that he's always right and hasn't a clue of what the library needs to do and what our role really is (he's only 30, first time AP (assistant principal...only been with us since April or May and his only education experience is an upper and upper middle class middle school...we're a blue collar school). Anyways, I just wanted to vent and now I feel better. Tomorrow will be a better day.

Back to Work

This week I am back at work. I was glad to be back to get away from family drama, but I'm sad my summer has come to an end. We have a new principal and 18 new teachers! Wow! I think one of our new teachers, I taught her in 5th grade (actually I was the student teacher, but same thing!) I always thought it was weird that I worked with some of my former teachers (I still work with my 8th grade English teacher) but now I feel OLD! Oh well. The rain is causing MAJOR leaks in the school's roof that just got replaced this summer. Lucky for me that my library is okay (it had been leaking before).

My grandparents are in the nursing home. I think it's been an okay adjustment. My grandmother told me she wants to go home. We went to visit this weekend and it was tough seeing them there. I can understand why some people don't go visit their loved ones there because not only is it sad, it's because you feel horrible and guilty that you couldn't care for them yourself and they lost their independence and can't stay in their own home. I know this is the best thing for them care-wise, but I can't help but feel sad. I think I'll be going again this weekend. My mom is having a super hard time with this as well.

So, I'm getting closer to 15 months of waiting. People are still asking me "When is that baby coming already?" I have to just smile and sigh and say that am hoping soon and then I have to explain everything. Sometimes I wish I had a video or recording so I wouldn't have to go over it so many times. Geez. I need to find a humorous answer so I won't feel so frustrated.

A Wild Hair

I had an interesting evening that ended with a wild hair that I hope will bring me and other waiting families luck that the wait will get better. My friend, D, has a friend who works for the WNBA and we were able to go to the game tonight, courtesy of this friend. We had FLOOR seats that were awesome. Our hometown team won! Yippee! It was close though. Then, on the way home, I got this wild hair. I decided to go get a tattoo of a ladybug on my instep. I know it sounds crazy but I have been chewing in this for a while. D had just said she kept seeing ladybugs everywhere and it really got me thinking so I thought, why not now? It's teeny tiny and it's in a place that it's not on display. It didn't take long and it didn't hurt too much. So, hopefully it will bring us all luck.

Feed Me Seymour!

Today I went with my best friend, Sandra to Ikea to buy these bags for her math teachers. I have to say, she has one of THE BEST babies in the world. Holly is super sweet. She is a good passenger in the car. She is only 3 1/2 months old. As we were leaving, the hunger hit her hard and fast. She turned 10 different shades of red as she let us know that she was starving! Poor Sandra was working as fast as she could to check out and get Holly's bottle warmed up. She did it but as we were driving home she said she was embarassed that people were staring at her. She didn't do anything wrong. She was very calm and she was trying to calm her baby as well, but we all know that sometimes babies are just too upset to calm down right away (just like big people! heck when I'm hungry I want food right then and I get grumpy too!) It made me think, that's probably going to happen to me too. So, I am getting read to gear myself up for stares of people when my child has a meltdown in public. I think I should start reading up on the topic.

I also found out today that my grandparents are going into the nursing home on Thursday. I visited with my grandmother on Sunday and I know this is going to devestate her. Unfortunately, this is the kind of care she needs. I hear my grandfather knows and my friend Denise has already warned me to be prepared for his wrath of anger because he is losing his independence. I'll be there Thursday. I'm not sure I want to but my mom asked and I will always try to support her.

The stork landings and my liver in a quiver

The stork landed yesterday. I have to confess that I am back to checking out RQs site. I don't know if I am taking everything said seriously...more like with a grain of salt. I love her site most when she posts the blogs of those who get their babies. I love, LOVE, to see their beautiful little faces. Some look sweet, some have that mischievous sparkle in their eyes, some look very serious and some have that dreamy look. I love to check out their clothing and hairstyles. It used to be very bittersweet for me (I was sad it wasn't me but happy for those who got their children) but now it's like hope for me. It makes me happy and I can for a second imagine myself on that day (soon! it will be sooner than we all think) waiting to get "The Call" and seeing Grace for the first time. If I'm crying for other people, I can only imagine how I'm going to be. Geez. But congrats to all those families seeing their childrens' faces.

You're probably wondering about the liver in a quiver thing. On the cruise, I got acupuncture to help my headaches (and it was a little late but it helped my seasickness as well as my headaches). The actupuncturist was telling me that all the diet sodas and other junk I was eating was damaging my liver and that was part of the reason I was having headaches. So, now everytime I see a soda I hear his voice and it literally puts my liver into a quiver! I wanted to have a soda today and started drinking one but it didn't taste good! He told me a good alternative was kambucha tea (I know I misspelled it but that's okay). I got the citrus one and basically it tastes like Fresca but with vinegar or it tastes like Alka Seltzer! Yuck! Guess I'm going back to iced tea and water! Oh well.

I'm posting my favorite picture from the trip. My mom and the fruit lady in Jamaica. It cracks me up!

Back from the Caribbean

Sunday I got home from the 7 night cruise to Jamaica, Grand Caymans and Cozumel. I had a good time overall. The bad thing was that I had sea sickness the whole time. Who would have thought as I am the daredevil girl in the family who loves roller coasters and all that jazz. I wish I could go back to Jamaica and Cozumel and stay and explore longer. I have also learned that it's hard to cruise with your parents who have their own issues (dad can't see in one eye and mom gets sick from the heat) so I was severely limited on what I could do. I also had to sleep on a top bunk attached to the wall. I got some great things. I did get to finish reading Harry Potter and I loved it! It was fun to talk to other passengers about the book. I will have to post pictures from the trip. The weather was warm but at least it wasn't raining. I heard it rained here the whole time. I also heard that they may not make it very far again in referrals for August. Oh well.

Update on the familia

I haven't posted about what has been going on in my family (my grandparents' situation) because it has been kind of in debate but recently it has been settled through mediation. Let's hope it sticks. I'm sad about the outcome, but I know it will be for the best. My grandparents will be going into a nursing home. My aunts and uncles are withdrawing their complaints to the state about my grandparents' care. There is still a lot of anger on the parts of a couple of my aunts and uncles but at least they are finally trying to do what is best for my grandparents. I'm glad they (my grandparents will be together) but I'm sad that it is in a nursing home. They can't care for themselves and their children are older and can't care for them (heck, I'm helping my parents out so I get it). I'm praying that the peace will stay for a while now.

I have to say that daytime TV has been a little bit disturbing. Does Maury Povich have anything else as a topic except the Who's Your Daddy/paternity tests? My goodness, these women/girls have been there multiple times looking for the correct DNA. Does that bother anybody else but me? Geez louise. In order to adopt as a single woman, I had to reveal a lot of personal, intimate information to my social worker in order to be approved. These girls are just popping out babies and they don't know who the daddy is. It is so sad that seems to be going on and nobody thinks twice about it. Times are a changing.

On a brighter note, I'm excited because I will be leaving this weekend for the Caribbean. Yippee! I plan on reading the whole week (Harry Potter is coming out on Saturday) and siteseeing when we pull into the various ports. Hope is going to doggie daycare/overnight camp. I hope it goes well for her.

Guess I won't be having my 15 minutes of fame after all

It has been one roller coaster week. Monday, as you know, I was notified that I had made it to the next round of interviews. I was on Cloud 9. I came crashing down when the producer e-mailed me the agreement that I had to sign before I could proceed (you had to sign before the interview, even though I had already been interviewed already). It was basically in another language but I was able to decode it with the help of my friend's mom. The bottom line is that when you sign these agreements, you basically sign away all of your rights. The company/network owns you and they can portray you in any way they see fit. I understand that this is a standard sort of contract/agreement. After really thinking about it, I had to politely decline the offer (even though part of me still wanted to do it) because I didn't want anything to come back and bite me in the proverbial booty. I have too much to lose (i.e. adoption and my job). I know I made the right decision. So, you won't be seeing me on TV. It's probably better. I have this feeling they would have made me, the sweet librarian into some sleazy vixen which is silly.

Tomorrow is the court date. I hear my aunt finally got served (she had everything closed up tighter than a tick). I'm praying it goes well and the judge makes the best decision for my grandparents.

On a brighter note, I get to leave for the Caribbean in a week. I'm going on a cruise for a whole week. YEA!

Transformers, Court, and Dallas here I come...

Yeah, you're probably wondering about this entry's title. My mind is a jumbled mess right now. So, I guess I need to start at the beginning (suddenly, The Sound of Music Do Rey Mi just popped into my head...it's my A-D-D). I spent today helping my aunt take my grandmother to the foot doctor. I don't know how she does it on her own. That wheel chair seriously stressed my triceps (at least I think so). They are already sore from taking it in and out of the car. I have a lot more respect for her for what she does. She really does a good job taking care of her and I know how incredibly hard it must be that it's your own mother. We are going to court on Thursday and I found out today that the aunt that "kidnapped" my grandfather has locked up her gate so that they cannot be served court papers. They know about the hearing because they took my grandfather to visit my grandmother at my grandparents' house (where my grandmother is living) and according to the lady who stays with my grandmother, they (my aunt, her husband and my cousin) were nosing around my grandmother's house and they were checking out the papers that had been served to my grandmother. According to my aunt who is the primary caregiver of my grandmother, my grandmother is pretty ticked off at my grandfather and is calling him an old fart and that it will come back and bite him in the butt. So...because of all the stress today, my sister, her kids and I went to see Transformers this evening. That has been my favorite movie of the summer thus far. It was so action packed. I absolutely loved it. A line that hit home for me was when the Josh Duhamel character says that a perfect day for him is when he finally gets to hold his daughter for the first time (I totally can relate to that line...I think most of us can who are waiting for our children). It was really good. See that movie and definitely do not waste your money on Licensed to Wed (YUCK!) Now, here comes the next connection, Dallas. I just got home from the movies and I get a phone call. It's California and they want me to come to Dallas because I have made it to the next round for that new game show. I really would rather fly than make that 4 to 5 hour drive from where I live, but it'll cost me about $220 roundtrip. I'm really not wanting to do that. So...it looks like I'll probably be driving to Dallas on Sunday. I'm going to see if I can talk my friend D into coming with me because I really don't want to drive by myself. So, if things go well on Sunday, you might see me on TV this fall. We'll see!

Peach & Berry Picking

My best friend, her baby girl Holly, and I went to Fredericksburg to go blackberry and peach picking. It's not my normal thing but I had a blast. I had no idea that peach picking was hard. You have to really check out the peach looking at its color, making sure it doesn't have yucky stuff or isn't too hard. There are these bees or something seriously buzzing all around dive bombing you. Sandra found a gorgeous peach and on it was a ladybug. It's a good sign. I'm one day closer to my daughter.

We're out of Review!

YEE-HAW! May 2006 is out of review...Congrats my fellow May DTCers. It's one step closer to our children. My next step is contacting my agency and getting my homestudy updated so I can renew my I-171 paperwork. Can ya'll see the light at the end of the tunnel?

I tried to post yesterday but my connection was not working with me. I hope everybody had a great 4th of July (Happy Late B.day America!) As I got older, it became one of my favorite holidays because I was able to spend it with my favorite people, this year, my parents, sister, niece and nephews. I BBQed burgers and hot dogs and made ice cream with the assistance of my niece. I figured out last night that the reason why I loved the fourth so much is because it means family and I love mine very much. My dad even mentioned that he hopes that maybe next year there will be a little one running around the back porch. I hope so too, daddy. I really hope so.

Boy, Oprah can sure make me cry!

I don't know if it's been everything that has been going on or the book that I was reading (Notes from a Midnight Driver by Jordan Sonnenblick) but today's Oprah (which was a rerun) about the boy she couldn't forget got me boo-hooing! Geez, all it took was the look in one of the boy's eyes and how he was upset with his parent for selling him into slavery and tears were pouring down my face. By the time Oprah was over, my face was all blotchy, tear-stained and my nose was running like a sieve. The episode made me incredibly sad.

My mom got sick and I took her to the doctor and got her meds. The stress caused by the situation surroundig my grandparents (her parents) has really gotten to her. Actually, everybody is like a cat with their hackles up (arched back, hair straight up). I can only pray it gets better. We spent 5 hours at the lawyer's office yesterday and yep, I'm pretty much sick about hearing it. I definitely need a vacation from my summer vacation.

You know, I said I wasn't going to check out rumor sites but I couldn't help myself. I read some of the stuff but I was actually okay. People are saying 2 years wait. Miracles do happen and I believe in them.

Things happen when you're least expecting it!

I don't know if you all knew that my assistant, Shannon and I actually made a video and applied for the Amazing Race. Well, we hadn't heard a peep. Guess what? NO...The Amazing Race didn't call but someone from another CBS show did call me as a potential candidate. WOW! I was interviewed and I'm not quite sure how it went, only that I was my usual goofy self. We'll see. If I hear something, I'll let ya'll know.

You have to see Evan Almighty. I took my dad to it this afternoon. It was a fantastic movie and the message really hit home for me. God says to Evan's wife that when you pray for something like patience, do you really think you're suddenly going to be patient or are you going to be given an opportunity to practice it? It was a good thought and lesson for me. This wait is my practice in patience (because God knows how often I have prayed for it). I should be VERY patient when I get Grace. So, the lesson here (and I got it from a Steve Carrell movie, go figure) is that this wait is our opportunity to practice and learn patience so we'll be patient parents. Yea!

Next Verse Same as the First

Can I just say how tired of hearing about how horrible my one aunt is (see you can even see that my dog Hope is tired of it too)? Yes, she and her husband did something horrible but I'm tired of hearing over and over from my other aunts and uncle the same things over and over again. We went over to my grandparents' house on Friday because the bad aunt was going to drop off my grandfather. It had been said by adult protective services that he said he wanted to live with my grandmother. We (my parents, sister, uncle and adult protective services) were there I guess as witnesses and to make sure it went smoothly. Guess what? It didn't. It was like I was in the middle of a Jerry Springer episode. End result: my grandfather (who definitely isn't in his right mind) got riled up (he has been brainwashed by my bad aunt and her husband...not just saying this, he's not acting like the man I grew up to know as my grandfather), decided to leave my grandmother again and left with the bad aunt and her husband AND we all get to go to court over who is going to be guardians of my grandparents (even though my uncle has power of attorney). So, four out of 5 siblings will be going to a lawyer to represent them against the bad aunt and her husband. There are lots of other things that I won't bore you with but let me just say that I am so very sad for my grandparents, especially my grandmother. When my grandfather left she leaned over and asked me where he was going (my grandmother sometimes isn't so with it). I told her he was going to live with that aunt and her husband. She said, "He doesn't want to live with me?" I had to tell her no. She just sighed and I asked her if it hurt her feelings that he didn't want to stay and she said yes but that he was very independent and had his own thoughts and mind and if that made him happy then so be it. I wanted to cry. She is one cool chick.

My 13 month anniversary is today. So, I'm praying for a speedup still. I can't believe that I've made it this far. I have to admit that sometimes I have to look at other countries like Ethiopia and Zambia and I think, "I could get my child in still a shorter amount of time than in China." I have to shake that off because I know that my Gracie is in China. I know it's my restless impatience to have my child is "making" me do this. I might have another child in one of those other countries at another time. Not now. I'm not giving up. I'm going to be patient. I still am saying and I'm sure that you all are sick of me saying this but here it goes: May 06 LIDers in 2007!

Lucky People

I was watching 20/20 yesterday evening and the topic was what made people lucky. It seems that if you truly believe you are lucky and tend to be more positive and optimistic, then it is more likely that you will have good luck. It seems that by having this mindset, you are more open to attracting good or lucky things (sounds kind of like "The Secret" huh?). I do consider myself very blessed and lucky. I do tend to drive people nuts with my perky, upbeat personality. But you know what? I AM lucky. Therefore, it is my belief that my lucky streak will continue and the May 2006 LIDers will get their referrals THIS year. I do understand that people like to look at data and draw logical conclusions and they don't want to get their hopes up only be to disappointed, but I'm going to be positive for them too. My life is not going to be at stake if I continue to believe in this, hope for this. I believe!

On a different note, my grandfather is now in the hospital with a blood clot. He says he wants to go back home. It seems that it hit the proverbial fan yesterday when the adult protective services got involved and found out that my aunt and her husband really didn't have the legal power of attorney and the doctors have now spoken and it seems that things might be going back to where they were originally and there are possible "kidnapping" charges being considered. I hope it doesn't get to that. I think that's where it becomes vindictive. I think it's become a battle of the siblings and they are not thinking what's best for their parents, my grandparents. We'll see. I'm just praying for them and I thank all of you who have been praying for me and my family. You guys rock!

Family Drama Update

I'm so thankful for many things. One of the main things that I am thankful for is that I am on summer vacation. I definitely have needed this break to help my mom deal with her family's drama. Let's see...my grandparents both are older and aren't able to take care of themselves. My mom is the oldest of 5 children. My mom is 67 and isn't physically able to care for them. One of my aunt's has been taking care of both of my grandparents during the day and other people are coming in on the weekends and evenings to take care of them (everybody including my aunt is being paid...this is my aunt's primary job). So, basically, the money is running out. While my grandmother was in the hospital, another aunt and her husband decided that my grandfather doesn't have enough money left to pay everybody who takes care of them and that my grandmother needs to be a in a nursing home and that they would take care of my grandfather (who is also not in his right mind and needs 24 hour care). They convinced my grandfather of this and he told my grandmother that she is going to the nursing home and he was going to live with my other aunt and her husband. They (my grandfather, aunt and uncle) have closed all accounts and gave my uncle (who is NOT even related to my grandfather) power of attorney. So, basically there is no money to pay for my grandmother's caregivers. She's back at home! It's a horrible thing that that aunt and uncle are doing. I do agree that my grandparents need specialized 24 hour nursing home care but this isn't the way to accomplish it. In fact my mother, real uncle and another aunt suggested this a while back when we realized my grandmother needed 24 hour care.

So, bottom line, I'm glad that I'm on break to help support my mom. In a way, God knows that it wasn't a good time for Grace to come into my life because I need to be here to help my mom.

But, I'm still praying that my Gracie will be home for Christmas! May 2006 LID in 2007!

Very Sad News

It has been an emotionally draining weekend. My grandmother was put into the hospital again. It's like she's not even in this world anymore. She just wants to sleep. This wasn't the worse thing though. Yesterday I was supposed to go to my assistant, Shannon's daughter's graduation party. (sidenote: couldn't go because my grandmother was being admitted into the hospital). I got a call today and it turns out that Shannon's mom passed away in her sleep. It seems that she didn't show up to the party either and Shannon's husband went to check on her because she wasn't answering her phone. He found her still in bed. I knew Shannon's mom well. She used to be a teacher at our school and retired a few years ago. In fact, I spoke to her on the phone Friday. She was strong, tough (raised two children on her own and lived through the trauma of her son's murder), smart, saavy, cool, funny...just a class act. She was in her mid to late sixties but looked like she was in her 50s. My heart is breaking for Shannon. She is truly now the last of the mohicans (she was the only one left on her side of the family). She was super close to her mom. The whole family was going to go camping to S. Padre for one last big family trip before her daughter left for college. I'm sad for her daughter to always remember her graduation party the day her grandmother passed. Amy will be missed very much. She is in a way better place than us. It's ironic that Shannon and I were talking about death on Friday. We passed a mortuary on the way back from lunch and she said that she wouldn't want to work there not because of the dead but because of how sad the living are.

I called Shannon this evening to check on her. It was a short and hard conversation. I didn't know what to say since I haven't been in this situation. I told her I would take care of work tomorrow and that I would let people know at school. I asked her if she needed anything and that I was praying for her and was thinking of her and that I was so sorry. It was so awkward. We're really like two peas in a pod and we finish each other's sentences. It was too weird not to say anything to each other. I know she's in shock and is hurting greatly. I wish I could ease the pain but I know I can't. I can only pray that God gives her the strength to carry on and take it day by day.

1 Year Anniversary

Today is my 1 year anniversary for being LID. It seems that it really has flown by. I really think that the rest of my wait will go as fast as this past year (it will be this year...I just know it!)

Congratulations to all fellow May LIDers! We've made it 1 year!

I'm sad for my friend

Today I am sad. It doesn't have to do with my adoption. It has to do with one of my closest friends. She is working through something (she won't tell me, but I know she has a lot of demons from her past) and is pushing me and my other friend away from her. It always used to be the three of us together all of the time, a little less after she had her baby two years ago. She won't talk to either one of us, except she told me Friday that she is not mad at me and knows she's pushing me away. I told her I wasn't giving up on her and that I was praying for her. I knew that she had put in for a transfer. I had even asked her recently if she had heard anything and she hadn't. Today I found out that indeed, she will be going elsewhere. The tough thing is that she has not told me or our other friend. I mean, yeah, it sucks that she's going to another school, but frankly, maybe she needs this change to help her get out of her funk. But, she hasn't said anything and this makes me feel like this is the end of the road for the triad. What scares me the most about her right now is that she's in such a deep despair and she seems hopeless. I hope she is able to get out of this and I hope she's willing to let both me and my other friend back into her life. Only time will tell.

It's Been 1 Year

It has been one year since I was DTC (well on Saturday). It doesn't seem like a year. I keep thinking about what my expectations were back then and I can honestly say that I thought I would have at least a picture of my daughter. I believe that by the same time next year I will have my daughter. I don't think it'll just be a picture. I think it will my actual Grace.

On a brighter note, my Waiting Buddy sent me this awesome outfit for Grace complete with cute hat. She's going to be pretty in pink. I love it. Thank you Diane! You rock!

Surprises

I am now watching the end of the American Idol and am I so shocked that Melinda Doolittle didn't make it into the finale. I LOVE her and she rocks. I do also love the other two.

The other big surprise in my life is that my principal is retiring. I know she had been teetering on retiring or staying but she finally committed to taking the plunge. Shocker. It should be interesting to see who replaces her. I'm a bit nervous because you never know what could happen. Next school year is going to be very interesting. It could be a possible Renaissance.

Mother's Day Blues

Okay, it shouldn't have bothered me, but it did. Today was a tough day for me emotionally. When I began the journey to adopt, I honestly thought at the time I would have a picture of my daughter by now. It's almost a year later and we know the wait has been extending. It started innocently enough by my best friend. She called me frantic this morning about something she had seen on CBS this morning about Chinese adoption. It was frustrating because I had already have told both her and her in-laws that I was indeed grandfathered by the new Chinese regulations. She proceeded to tell me that her inlaws told her about a single woman who got her Chinese adoption revoked because she was on anti-depressants. That just frustrated me because the adoption doesn't get revoked unless it's in the review room and they were unsure about something in the application and it couldn't be substantiated. I HATE rumors like that. I know, in my heart, that it probably wasn't what was said because with rumors, it's usually only a portion of the truth. It shouldn't have upset me, but it did. There really is no reason because my health is fine as is the rest of my application but because I'm not out of review, there is a teeny tiny bit of uncertainty. Even the Mother's Day card my mother gave me and signed my dog's name hurt me too. It really shouldn't because it was with good intentions, but it made tears come to my eyes and it was bittersweet. My sister saying to me at breakfast, "It'll be for you soon." was also heartbreaking to me. I wanted to tell her, I am already a mother. My child happens to be in China right now. But I couldn't because I don't want people to know or see that today is very tough for me because I can only imagine them thinking how silly it is. They don't understand what it's like to be expecting a child but not having that physical proximity. Like, pregnant women, they are expectant mothers and they have the physical proximity of their child and we wish them Happy Mother's Day. We adoptive moms are in limbo and we're not considered mom's until there is an actual physical link. The other thing that hurt me today was people saying Happy Mother's Day to me or asking how it was. I guess I could spin it in a positive way saying, "Wow! I must have already captured the mom look!" But, I think my heart is sad because I'm really yearning for my daughter who is in another country. The only thing I can say to myself to help me feel better is that "Next year I will be celebrating with my daughter."

So, I've gotten it all out and I'm done with this pity party. Tomorrow is a brand new day and I'm one day closer to Grace.

I'm Going Total Wireless

I am an information specialist. I live and breathe information in my job. I'm more of a jack of all trades and master of few. I know a little to get by. I decided that I would like to use my laptop totally wireless. It would be nice checking my e-mail other places than at my desk. I took the plunge and bought a router. It was supposed to be easy to install but of course it isn't. I had to have an Internet chat with my service provider which gave me directions which I started but it didn't work totally. I finally got it to work and then I had to deal with the notebook adapter. That one was FUN! I had to punt on that as well, but I got it working. I am here in my living room posting to my blog and feeling mighty proud of myself. I'm not exactly sure of what I did and how I did it but I did. So, I am now wireless.
I guess it's a Welcome to the Millenium moment a few years later, but at least I finally got on the bus.

East Meets West & Librarian's Idol

I went to the East Meets West conference this past weekend. I am so glad that I went. It was very enlightening. The only thing that sucked about it was the food and that the rooms were too small for some sessions (I don't think they expected EVERYBODY to go to certain ones) Dr. Aronson rocked and her advice was well-received by myself and others (it's okay for other family members to feed your child when you get home or hold them. It doesn't affect attachment...her words exactly were that it was BS but she used the full phrase). I also think when Snow, the head of my agency said, "Right now, China adoption is a leap of faith and a test of your patience" I felt better. I'm not sure why, but I did. I loved meeting other people who are also in my shoes. What a great diverse group of people we are. I also think talking to the other families who are now just beginning the wait made me feel better as well. I guess it's the idea that I'm closer to the front of the line, which gives you a feeling that you aren't last. I really meant it when I told them that this year really has flown by and that theirs will too. I meant it when I told them I hoped their wait would be shorter than mine. Sure, there are times when I'm feeling a bit blue, but I get over them. Everybody has their good and bad days. I'm the kind of girl who likes to see the glass half full and I will continue to live that way.

Speaking of being optimistic...I am running for Librarian's Idol. I know, it's VERY cheesey and it has nothing to do with how good of a librarian you are, BUT...the winner gets free books for their school. How awesome is that! We could surely use it. I have my students and staff voting, but I'm going up against other librarians from the state both public and private. So, I need ya'll's help. I keep slipping. I'm currently 40something and I'd like to win. This contest runs through September so I'm going to ask you guys to keep on voting. The link is on the left in links. It's called librarian's idol. Remember to vote for Jamie at Wood! Thank you guys for doing this for me! You rock!

Ladybugs and Storks

The stork has landed. Referrals came out. The hard news was that only about six days of referrals was in this batch. I thought I would be a little bummed, but I was actually okay. It was like a relief that they had finally made it into November, which is one step closer to May. I focus on baby steps. It keeps me sane. So, it's a good thing. I'm very happy for all of the parents who saw the faces of their children these past few days. What a blessing.

I'm also feeling positive because I had a ladybug spotting...in my house no less. I tried to take its picture but my lighting was poor and it looked psychedelic. I might post the picture later. Yeah, I'll take that as a sign of good luck.

Tomorrow I am off to the conference in Dallas. It should be interesting. I feel bad leaving my Hope Sophia at home. My parents will look in on her. I'm flying up Friday night and flying back Saturday night. She should be okay. I'm definitely taking her for a walk tomorrow afternoon.

Viva Fiesta

Yesterday I got to be part of the King William Parade. We were the honor guard for the Grand Marshall (author Rick Riordin). I don't know if I told you that I started a Cool Guys Read book club and a local columnist wrote about what I was doing in his column. It us noticed. In fact, not only did it land us the part of the honor guard, but the author of the first book we read wants to have a phone interview with all of my boys, which is really exciting. I just got the e-mail on Thursday and I'm going to set it up. The parade was fun, although a bit sweaty because of the high humidity. It was weird strolling down the route because last year I had been a parade spectator. Now I was seeing it from the other end. It was a sea of faces that blended together. I got my dream of being Miss Fiesta (kind of, but not really). It was fun waving to all of the people. What I enjoyed most was the food. Shannon and I gobbled down waaaaay too much but we enjoyed it anyways.

I have also been thinking about the Waiting Child list. There was one girl who really touched my heart. The more I thought about her, the more I got more excited about the prosect of bringing her home. The problem is however, her special needs may be more than I can handle as a single parent. I was telling my parents and my friends that I have looked at the list and no child on previous lists has ever even tempted me to move to the SN route, except for this little girl. I have been praying about this for the past two days. I'm not really sure if I could handle the emotional roller coaster of surgeries this little girl would have to go through. Besides that, I'm not sure if the surgery would be the total solution...would there be other repercussions as a result? And finally, would my insurance cover these issues? The more and more I prayed and talked, the more and more I was convinced that I'm not her forever family. My heart is a bit broken and I'm grieving, but I know in my heart of hearts, that waiting is truly the right thing for me as hard as the wait has been. My prayer is that if I was so moved, someone else who has better resources would be as well and can provide her with a loving forever family. She wasn't my Grace but I know she is someone else's. I pray for both of them.

Today, I go and visit Miss Holly so I can get my baby fix. I'm still in a positive mood. I will be getting Grace this year. She will be coming home in 2007. I know lots of people are skeptical and are trying to prepare themselves for the worst, but I know I won't be disappointed. Everything is God's will.

Holly is Here!

Today at 1 a.m., my best friend Sandra gave birth to Holly. She weighed 8 lbs and was 19.5 inches. She is absolutely beautiful. They called me at 1:45 to let me know and even though I had been dead asleep, when I heard the words that she was here, my heart soared. I have been living vicariously through Sandra's pregnancy. I was with her yesterday when she was in labor. She was such a strong woman and I was immensely proud of her. I kept teasing her that it would have to be math TAKS testing day for Holly to come (I had told her she was going to give birth on that day because she is the math coordinator at her school). It proves that Holly is going to be a math genius. Because of TAKS testing, I wasn't able to go right away to see her. But, I was able to see pictures of her thanks to Grandma Judy (she rocks!) I couldn't wait to hold that sweet baby. I went for about 2 hours earlier this evening and got to hold her and smell her sweet baby smell. She's so soft and has long limbs and fingers. I'm so thankful that I can get my baby fix while I wait for my Grace. Holly doesn't know this, but she is my saving Grace. She is helping me be more patient in this wait. She's the stand in. I'm excited that Holly will have my daughter as a playmate. They should be similar ages. Sandra and I were already talking about all the things we'll get to do with our daughters. Motherhood here I come!

BTW...I'm posting pictures of Miss Holly!

Hoppy Easter

One of the best things about being in my profession is that we get days off that others don't. For my Good Friday, I painted Grace's room. I got up early and prepped the room. I'm the kind of painter that gets really excited about the project and then during the project I start loathing it and I make a vow never ever to paint a room again. This time it was different. I even did more than one wall and I did 2 colors: celery green and a light purple (bottom half green, top half purple). I had planned to put up a wallpaper border that I had found at Dollar Tree because it was soooo cute...well, you get what you pay for. There is now a vanilla colored stripe between the two colors but I actually like it. It looks like I meant to do that. It took me until 1:30 to finish. I actually started prepping around 9ish, painting around 11ish. I hardly got any on the ceiling or the carpet, which is a big one for me. Of course, I ended up with a lot of paint on me but not on my hair (Thank God because I just got it done a few days before! Whew!) I think it was very cathartic for me, painting her room, putting together her crib and changing table because it makes her VERY real. I know that sounds weird but because I have been waiting for some time, Grace is like this dream. By painting her room, I was able to merge my dream and the reality of having a daughter very soon. I'm still not finished. I just finished filling holes in the wall because I was trying to put up curtains and I forgot that my house's windows have like this metal thing around them about 4 inches out on each side, so the curtain rod I have will be too short. I also have some other things that I'm going to put up before I show pictures of the room. I want it to be put together. It's almost there. Ya hoo!

I had a good Easter even though I have some sort of allergy/sinus/cold. Yesterday, I had one whopper of a headache and it stayed with me all day. Today, I got my hiney up early for 8 am Mass and went. I came home, slept for a bit and went to my parents to BBQ for them. We watched Charolette's Web and Happy Feet. Cute! My niece and nephews came over later and we had an egg hunt and played Jr Monopoly, UNO, and Wig Out.

This is going to be a great week. I have only 3 workdays and then 2 days at TLA. My favorite YA authors Stephenie Meyer and Scott Westerfeld are going to be there. Yippee! I can't wait to get galley copies and chat with vendors. Maybe Shannon and I will win something cool. You never know.

Another Birthday

Friday was my 35th Birthday. The May Magpies were awesome in sending birthday wishes. My birthday was just that...another day. I had to stay late because our school was celebrating its 25th anniversary. It was kind of cool though seeing some former teachers (I used to be a student at my school).

My best friend is due to have her baby in 2 weeks. I can't wait. I'm so excited that Miss Holly will be here soon. I am living vicariously through Sandra. Of course, my labor will be much longer in that I have to wait much longer. It would seem that I am having the gestational period of an elephant.

Speaking of elephants, Shannon and I were watching Africam at work on Friday and we saw elephants! There was a boy and a girl elephant. We knew it was a boy because it looked like he had an extra appendage. As we were watching, he started moving and undulating this 5th appendage like a snake. We busted out laughing. It had a life of its own. Obviously it impressed the female elephant. We definitely were intrigued. However, it was like watching dirty elephant movies...Thank God they left before we saw it go any further then we would have really felt dirty! I am probably going to have to confess that at confession.

Sunday is Easter. I am planning on painting Grace's room on Good Friday. I making space for her and getting ready...bringing positive energy so that a speedup is possible. I'm BBQing and hosting an Easter Egg Hunt. It'll be fun. Yea! Next year I will have my girl because she will be coming home by the end of 2007.

Did I tell you that I replaced the lower and upper thermostats on my hotwater heater as well as put back my solar screen door? I'm a regular Wendy from Bob the Builder. It was very satisfying. I also mowed my lawn earlier in the week (yep, bought me a nice mower for my birthday...how exciting).

Well...starting inventory tomorrow...Yippee...TLA the next week and TAKS the following week. Busy, busy busy, but good, good, good.

Yep, my 35th year is starting off well. It's going to be a great one.

A little red heart

I was cleaning my kitchen counter and lo and behold I came upon the little red heart. I don't think I have ever told this story. But, for some reason I feel compelled to share it. If you believe in signs, then you will probably enjoy it. If not, well, I'd skip this and skip a paragraph or so.

I think I've made it clear that I have been in a serious funk about the lengthening wait times. Those who are waiting get it. Everybody is asking. You keep giving them timeframes, and then it changes, and yadda, yadda, yadda. It gets tough telling people the same thing over again. The bottom line is that I don't know when. Then you get the "Wow! It seems like it's taking forever. And then you have the know it alls who talk about how many girls are there and we shouldn't have to wait or the why don't you just have a child naturally. What is worse is the speculation on various rumor websites. I was addicted and reading the postings of doom and gloom made it worse for me. Even hearing other families who have the same month LID making predictions that it won't be until 2008 made it even worse for me because I felt that hearing others in my predicament were giving "the word" that it would indeed be a long wait. Anyways, the first weekend in March was the annual Junior League Rummage sale. I love to go because they normally have some pretty cool stuff and great prices. I found a rolling laptop case by American Tourister in mint condition for $3.00. I thought it would be perfect for the trip to China. I opened up all the pockets and stuck my hands it to kind of "see" if my laptop would fit. When I went to pay, the lady really checked the pockets and compartments to make sure there wasn't anything left by the previous owner. There was NOTHING! I watched her and I had already looked, I promise it was thoroughly checked. Several days later, I decided to actually put my laptop in the case to see if it would work. I had been feeling especially blah. I think I was reading that China was going to match a lower number of referrals. Anyways, it fit. I stuck my hand into the bag to get it out when I felt something smooth and cool against my hand. What was it? I grasped a hold of it and pulled it out. It was a small, red glass heart. That was weird. I KNOW it hadn't been there before. Was it a sign from my daughter, my spiritual guide, my guardian angel that Grace is coming and it will be here sooner than I can imagine? I think so. I think I needed a sign that good things are coming down the shoot. I will be getting my daughter this year. There will be a speedup. I'm saying it again all loud to all those naysayers. May DTC 2006 in 2007. If you choose to believe that it won't happen until 2008, that's your choice. But I choose to believe in my heart that it will be in 2007. Just don't rain on my parade and I won't rain on yours.

Okay, so I saw a ladybug today when I was weedwacking my backyard. The more I see them, the happier I become. I've decided to also buy a lawn mower and mow my own lawn. Yep, not one of my favorite things to do but it will save me money in the end and get some exercise. I'm a little allergic to the grass so I'll wear the mask and goggles and gloves. I found a couple that I liked at Lowe's but I'm also going to check the Bxtra. I also want to plant a couple of trees and get my flower beds and fountain working again. I know, I'm nesting or becoming a little more domestic. My shop teacher is going to build me a covered deck in a month or so. It'll be nice to sit outside in the shade and drink rasberry tea. Maybe I can have him put a swing up or a glider...hmmmmm.

Saturday was my best friend's baby shower. She is having a girl named Holly and I know that our girls will be best friends. Holly got this cute tutu and I want one for Grace too. I have already claimed it as a hand me down. Helping host this shower made me start thinking about Grace's and baby registries. I'm perplexed on having one right after referral or a little while after we get home. I don't know. I guess I'll have to think about that.

Finally, I need to give a big shout out to my awesome waiting buddy Diane who sent me the coolest gift. I got a onesie that says "Cute Chick" (I love it and I want one for me, not the onesie part...and those who know my nickname of library chick will get it). I loved the bib and the stuffed chick. My little chick is going to be stylin and profiling.

So, I've been very long-winded in this post. So sorry to those still reading. I'm also attaching pictures of the glass heart and of the cool gifts. Until next time.

Bunco Madness

You would think a Monday would be a pretty lame day to do anything. First of all, we just got back from Spring Break. It was a little slow, but once I got going, I was fine as frogs hair as my daddy would say. I got everything ready for my Cool Guys Read Book Club which will happen tomorrow morning. In my moment of craziness, I asked our Superintendent to join. I honestly didn't think he'd say yes, but he sure did. So did a columnist for our local newspaper. I hope that all 11 of my boys show and most of the male faculty who have joined. There should be about 18 on my first guys only book club. We even got cool shirts, which I'll have to post later. Anyways, I'm a bit nervous, but I have faith in my boys. It was a great book that we read and I know we'll have a lot to talk about.

So, I topped the evening off by playing BUNCO at my friend D's mother's house. I had so much fun and even won the prize for most losses. Yee-haw. I was totally embracing my losses. You know, when I was shooting Craps in Vegas, I think I might have been trying to play BUNCO and vice versa tonight.

I picked the paint colors for my daughter's room. It's going to be purple and green. I'm waiting to get the paint when I have a 3 day weekend to paint. The more I prep and get ready, the more room I make for her and I bring the positive energy. Again, I want to reiterate that I will be getting my daughter this year as will my other fellow May DTC 2006ers. There will be a speedup. It's going to come when we least expect it.

I'm telling you, this positive thinking business makes life so much easier to handle and things happen more readily. So, on that note, my Cool Guys Read book club is going to rock and we're going to have a great time. Luck, smuck, right?

Vegas

It has been forever since I have blogged. I think I got stuck in a rut. After watching The Secret and going on a minibreak to Vegas with my friend D., I am much refreshed and more positive. I have vowed to stay away from RQ because there is so much negative energy that I don't want near me. I truly believe that I will be getting Grace this year. I had a dream last night that they did this huge batch and caught up keeping it to just a little over a year wait.

So, VEGAS rocked. I can actually say it was a vacation. We didn't stress, were positive and everything worked out. The weather was GORGEOUS and the food pretty good. We got to see Carrot Top and were in the 4th row center. He cracks me up. He's also VERY cute. The boy works out and it shows. Made me think about becoming a vegetarian (Carrot Top, get it???).

I didn't win money but I didn't lose everything. I loved playing craps. That was fun when I almost took out the other side of the table with my wild roll. We also enjoyed the people watching. There are some very interesting people who go to Vegas. There are also some weird exhibits too. Like this one about the human body. They had actual human bodies preserved in various stages of dissection. GROSS!

I missed my dog. I think she missed me too. She seems a little bummed right now. I'm not sure if it's because I left her or what. We'll go for a walk later, if it doesn't rain again.

So, I'm back, happy and positive. I'm getting my daughter this year and I don't care what stats say or what people are saying about the #s and waiting. We May DTC 2006 people will be getting our children from China THIS year.

It only happens to me

For those of you who didn't know, San Antonio was recently beseiged by an ice storm that closed our city for this past Tuesday and Wednesday. I was so excited that school was cancelled for Tuesday. I decided to bake cookies, sleep in, watch movies and play with the Wii. Again, Wednesday, school was cancelled. I was thrilled because it was another day to sleep in and I didn't have to teach this one group that I was dreading. Everything was going well until the afternoon when I developed cabin fever. I hadn't seen another human being in 2 days. I needed to get out. My dog needed a serious walk. So, the South Texas girl who really doesn't heed ice warning well, went along her merry way and took her dog out for a walk. I decided to go the long way around to the mailbox. I was cautious, then for some reason, stupidity hit me. I took the sidewalk on the bridge over the ditch. Hint...it was still below freezing with freezing rain...yeah, there was ice. I totally bit it and ended up on my back and whacking the heck out of my head. I just remember my dog slipping a bit and then the sound of my head whacking on the cement. My cookie monster ski hat flew into the ditch and my earphones from my ipod flew out. The pizza man who was driving by when it happened (I think he gave me oho) jumped out of his car and was freaking out. He wanted to drive me to my house and all I could think of was, I need to get my cookie monster hat out of the ditch. I proceeded to crawl on my hands and knees to get it and I kept telling the pizza guy that I was okay. I was embarassed and shaken. Stupidly, I finished my walk to the mailbox and I got a great surprise from my waiting buddy Diane (thank you!) and I walked back home and called my sister, who is a nurse, and told her what happened. I can laugh about it now, but then I was near tears. My mom gave me a hard time and still does. My body hurts still and I still get headaches. I got one heck of a gooseegg on the back of my head. I am lucky to be so hard-headed. Anyways, I thought I would share my bone-headedness with you guys. Remember, when they say stay inside, they know what they are talking about. Let's hope my daughter won't be as dumb as her mom!

No School Today

Last night as I was watching Tv and flipping between I LOVE NY and The Golden Globes, I got a little gift. My district has cancelled classes for today due to the icy conditions. Woo-hoo! I get to sleep in another day. Of course, I'm stuck at home, but that's okay. I get to read, lay on my couch and watch TV. I have an appointment to get my last Hep B shot, but I need to check on the conditions and see if they are going to be open. My poor nephew almost had to be put into the hospital yesterday because his asthma was pretty bad. He is doing better but he is seriously grumpy. Hope, my dog, has serious cabin fever and wants to go outside. I'm probably going to walk her in a little bit. It'll do us good just to go around the block. I need to watch for ice. My back patio has a thin sheet of ice on the furniture.

I'm also going to check out vegas.com to see what shows are going to be there when Denise and I go to Vegas for Spring Break. I figure this might be my last hurrah before I become a mom. I'm really looking forward to going and people watching. It would be nice to win a little money. I keep teasing Denise that she's going to find her man and stay in Vegas. But, what happens in Vegas will stay in Vegas. Yeah right.

Happy 2007

I spent my New Year's not with my friend D at the movies as was planned, but at the hospital waiting for them to admit her. She has the same thing as my grandfather. She finally got to be put in his room around 10:30ish. My grandmother was so miserable because she's got that nasty stomach bug (you know which one I mean). I feel horrible for her. I feel sad for my mom too because I think it scares her. The thing that came out of this was that the siblings aren't medically trained to help my grandparents and they need 24 hour trained assistance. We'll see what happens. Two of my mother siblings don't want that. One is afraid that they will die within a few months of being there (we found a great one, close to their house) and the other is upset because she'll be out of a job (she takes care of them). How selfish are they? I'm really ticked off with my mom's siblings. Nobody will do anything and it's a standoff. Somebody needs to take the bull by the horns because my grandparents need the medical attention. I am so angry with my aunt/godmother. She came to the hospital right when we got there. My uncle had EMS take my grandmother in (you get into the ER faster that way). They both left and my other aunt and uncle came and they left. My grandmother was still in the ER and not yet admitted (wasn't sure at the time she was going to be admitted). Thank God my sister, who is an LVN and is in RN school was there to help because they were short staffed and my grandmother had lots of issues. It's tough to see her that way (having to help her when she has an accident and she doesn't understand or can tell you what's wrong) When my uncle told my aunt who takes care of my grandmother that we couldn't do this (meaning take care of my sick grandparents) her only response is that she'd be out of a job. That's pretty shallow. Then she left because she had been with my grandmother all day yesterday and she "needed a break" OH BROTHER! Can you say that they purposely left my mother holding the bag???? This is her way to get back and "make" my mother do something (BTW they do a lot for my grandparents, have cancelled their plans, vacation to help out, and help out monetarially) Can you tell how angry I am? I'm furious. Honestly, I really don't want to have anything to do with her anymore. First the whole pity party at Christmas and then our conversation the other day and now this. I know I need to let it go but it kills me that my parents and grandparents are both suffering. This has been an extremely rough emotional roller coaster for all of us. I guess I needed to vent and then let it go. I know that God only gives us what we can handle. I know this will make my immediate family bond even stronger. We have to rely and help each other out.

I want to make some new year's goals/resolutions, but I want to think about them overnight and then put them down. It's good to start the year with goals and a plan. Here's to hoping that 2007 will bring my sister her RNship, my daughter Grace & other exciting surprises, prosperity and peace in the world.