Sunday, May 13, 2007

Mother's Day Blues

Okay, it shouldn't have bothered me, but it did. Today was a tough day for me emotionally. When I began the journey to adopt, I honestly thought at the time I would have a picture of my daughter by now. It's almost a year later and we know the wait has been extending. It started innocently enough by my best friend. She called me frantic this morning about something she had seen on CBS this morning about Chinese adoption. It was frustrating because I had already have told both her and her in-laws that I was indeed grandfathered by the new Chinese regulations. She proceeded to tell me that her inlaws told her about a single woman who got her Chinese adoption revoked because she was on anti-depressants. That just frustrated me because the adoption doesn't get revoked unless it's in the review room and they were unsure about something in the application and it couldn't be substantiated. I HATE rumors like that. I know, in my heart, that it probably wasn't what was said because with rumors, it's usually only a portion of the truth. It shouldn't have upset me, but it did. There really is no reason because my health is fine as is the rest of my application but because I'm not out of review, there is a teeny tiny bit of uncertainty. Even the Mother's Day card my mother gave me and signed my dog's name hurt me too. It really shouldn't because it was with good intentions, but it made tears come to my eyes and it was bittersweet. My sister saying to me at breakfast, "It'll be for you soon." was also heartbreaking to me. I wanted to tell her, I am already a mother. My child happens to be in China right now. But I couldn't because I don't want people to know or see that today is very tough for me because I can only imagine them thinking how silly it is. They don't understand what it's like to be expecting a child but not having that physical proximity. Like, pregnant women, they are expectant mothers and they have the physical proximity of their child and we wish them Happy Mother's Day. We adoptive moms are in limbo and we're not considered mom's until there is an actual physical link. The other thing that hurt me today was people saying Happy Mother's Day to me or asking how it was. I guess I could spin it in a positive way saying, "Wow! I must have already captured the mom look!" But, I think my heart is sad because I'm really yearning for my daughter who is in another country. The only thing I can say to myself to help me feel better is that "Next year I will be celebrating with my daughter."

So, I've gotten it all out and I'm done with this pity party. Tomorrow is a brand new day and I'm one day closer to Grace.