Cuz you had a bad day...

Yeah, that's my anthem for today. It started out as a nice day, but I really stepped into in with my mouth. I don't know if I have spoken of what's going on my mom's family. It's major drama because my grandparents can't take care of themselves and the 5 siblings can't agree on what to do. Two of the siblings are adamant about not doing assisted living. One of these siblings is PAID to take care of them in the day and the rest of the 5 take turns on the weekends. Well, now they need 24 hour care. That means spending the night over there. My parents are 65 and 62. My father has been sick with high blood pressure, heart and eye problems (he now only has one eye that works). My mom has seriously high blood pressure. Both of my parents physically cannot do what is needed to take care of a 92 and a 90 year old. I have been helping my parents out a lot. So, when it's my parents turn, I take them (my mom is not a fan of driving either). My parents pay for someone to spend the night on their weekends. So, I host Christmas. It's my first one without my grandparents because another aunt huffily took my grandparents to their house. My aunt who lives in Houston came in and I invited her to join my family. I go to Mass on Saturday and Father talks about not letting people be lonely on Christmas. So, I invite the rest of my family. My aunt, the single one, who is also the paid caretaker comes and goes on and on about whoa is her because she does everything and yadda yadda yadda. Did I mention that she takes holidays off and her birthday and she's so tired that she can't cook when she gets home at 3p.m.? Did I also mention that she refuses to take a weekend (mind you my grandparents don't pay the rest of the siblings on the weekends) because she needs a break? Good grief! Anyways, she gets into it with my mom because she's wallowing in herself. Mind you she also spent over an hour on the phone with who knows talking about how poor poor her is all alone. Not cool! My aunt from Houston is able to make peace. So, today, my uncle is taking care of my grandparents and both are sick. My grandfather especially has the stomach bug that comes out both ends. He takes him to the ER and my aunt who is the paid caretaker comes over to stay with grandmother. I was supposed to go to Mass with my parents at 5:30, but I accidentally oversleep. I get a phone call and I answer it thinking it's about my grandfather. It's my paid aunt who wants to know when my parents get out of Mass so they can spell her because she's been there all day and she needs a break! My uncle is with my grandfather at the hospital. They are going to admit him because of the fluid situation. I tell her I really don't know. Maybe an hour, an hour and a half. I don't know if they have plans after church. She wants me to call them. I refuse. I won't call them at CHURCH! Then she starts taking about how she had plans and my uncle has plans and they have to do EVERYTHING! Well, I lost it then. My parents were supposed to be leaving on a trip the last time my grandfather went into the hospital. They cancelled and we went to the hospital and we took him home. It was HER choice to keep them at her house when he got out. I told her I didn't appreciate the fact that she was making my mother feel guilty like she was a horrible daughter and didn't do anything. She denied what I said and I said that is what it is. I told her that my mother doesn't want to help, but that she is physically incapable of what they want her to do! I told her that the siblings need to figure out some other way because this wasn't working. She said that they agreed to help out but only she and my uncle were doing their part. BOY that got me hot under the collar. She kept saying how she did this out of love and checked on them for over 20 years but the rest of the siblings expect her to do it because she's the single one. Okay, I'm the single girl too. I check on my parents too out of love. But you know what? If I can't handle it anymore, I am going to do something about it. I think she's looking out for HER best interests more than my grandparents. It makes my blood boil. I know I shocked her because I have never ever said anything like that to her. I was not ugly but I told her how I felt. I said I was upset because it was hurting my mother. I just wish someone would say, "This isn't working. We are physically unable to care for our parents but they need help. They need assisted living." I don't see that happening. Sadly, I think I have seen the destruction of that part of my extended family. I'm sad, but I'm thankful that my immediate family is close and supportive. It's like the song said, "Breaking up is hard to do."

The WII story

Okay, today was a good day. I totally intended to get groceries (which I did) for Christmas and clean my house. Of course, nothing ever happens like it is intended. My sister was in a pickle and needed me to watch my niece and nephews while she got her hair done. I got home, picked up a bit, put presents in the closet and waited for them. Brennan was in a foul mood because he couldn't bring the PS2. I have PS1 and a frogger game. We played them both. The kids beat my hiney in Tekken like REALLY BAD! We decided to go and eat pizza at Pizza Hut. We stopped by the hairplace and told my sister what we were up to and then went to eat. Of course, it was nasty and didn't have much. We ate very little and then the boys voted no to the mall. KJ and I began talking about the WII. I had gone this weekend and waited in line at Target to see if I could get one. No such luck! They ran out. This whole week I have been calling to see if anybody had one. Nope! I was pretty complacent that I wouldn't get one until after Christmas (I know, I'm a big kid). I did my daily calling to Gamestop. Strike one. Tried EB and strike 2. Nobody answered at Best Buy. KJ kept telling me to call Toys R Us. I didn't think they would have one, but I relented. I called and to my surprise, they had just gotten in 4 an hour ago. We got excited. Kids threw on their shoes. It was mass chaos heading out the garage door to the car. Even Hope the dog got into the action. We had to throw her back inside the house. We got in the car and drove as fast as we could safely and of course, I was anxious and excited. When we finally got there and found a parking spot, KJ told the little ones, "Okay guys, take off your seatbelt as soon as Aunt Jamie puts the car in park!" We were off. Doors flew open, KJ got out and started across the street to the store. I was behind with the little ones. When we got into the store, KJ sprinted to the game section and stood in line. We saw a gentleman purchasing one. Maybe we got it. It was our turn next and I asked if he had anymore WIIs. Nope, that was the last one! AHHHHHHHH! Strike out! We were pumped up from the adventure and hunt. KJ wanted to keep the quest going. I asked the little ones and they were up for it. We went to Best Buy next. Strike 2. KJ then suggested Target next door. Okay, I thought. They probably wouldn't have it. Yep, you guessed it strike 3. So, we left the Forum and on the way, we all agreed to try Wal-Mart and then Sam's. I was pretty sure we weren't going to get one, but we were having so much fun chasing the dream. I found a parking space pretty far from the store. KJ got out and was waaaaay ahead of me and the little ones. We couldn't see where he went in the electronics section. I asked the cashier in that section if they had a WII, and of course the answer was no. All right, no WII. We look for KJ. I see his shaggy head by the Xbox section and I figured he was looking at the games. We slowly strolled over there, and had already decided to check out the toys before we left. KJ was talking to a WalMart lady. I asked her about the WII. Yes, there is this 1 that I am putting out. Can we have it? Yes and you wanted Happy Feet too? Yes! So, now I am a proud owner of the WII. The kids love it and I do too. I'm not great at it, but I'm going to keep practicing. Happy Feet here I come.

I made it!

Okay, I made it to the holiday break. Yea! The atmosphere at school has had such thick tension that you could cut it with a knife. But, we kept it rather light in the library. In fact, Shannon and I are applying to be on the Amazing Race. It will be filming this summer and because it looks like I won't be getting Grace this summer, it could possibly be something exciting to do. Of course, getting even an interview will be an act of God. But, it has been fun filling out the application and getting together our video. Who wouldn't want to see the crazy library chicks run a race for a cool million???

I am going to clean my house because I am hosting Christmas. I'm making turkey, dressing, having tamales, rolls, beans, rice, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, rolls and of course yummy dessert. Because our extended family is having issues right now over my grandparents, it'll be my immediate family which is fine by me. I love my parents and sister and her kiddos. We hope to go to see that movie about things coming to life in the museum. I would like to see my grandparents, but who knows what will happen. Right now there's a division about the care they need. I feel bad for my mother because that is not the stress she needs. My grandparents need around the clock care. My mother is 65 and my dad is 62. I help them out and they aren't as strong as they used to be. My mom is very nervous when driving and my dad's vision isn't too keen. I do a lot of the driving. I really don't think my parents are able to take care of them 24/7 when it's their weekend. There is no way that my parents could lift my grandmother if something happens. They need other care. It's not that my parents won't take care of them, it's just that they AREN'T able. I wish my aunts and uncle would get that!!!!!

I still have a few things that I need to buy and then I need to wrap gifts. I finally put up my tree and got a new DVD player and hooked it up. I'm set. I also have to clean like a maniac.

Tomorrow, my parents may need me to help them with my grandparents. I'm on standby. If I had Grace, there is no way that I would be able to do this. I guess the only thing I can do is pray about it.

So, it's almost a year since I got the e-mail saying I made it into the singles program and almost 7 months since I have been LID. I know I've been waiting a long time but they say good things come to those who wait. I had a dream last night that it was Gotcha Day. Boy, Grace was extremely sassy! I'm sure that will come true!

Ahhhh Clarity!

Just when I thought I was going to go out of my mind, peace enveloped me this morning. Peace and happiness! Okay, so I have decided why I need the longer wait. I need to get my house in order. I'm going to get a deck built in my backyard. I'm going to take out the fountain and maybe pond and plant a tree (a Chinese pistache). Then I'm going to get rid of my big comfy red chair and entertainment center because they are too big in my living room. I'll get Grace's room painted and my room too. I need that time to get my house nice and neat for my little girl.

Bummer upon Bummer

So, Monday was the first day of Book Fair, which I hate. I also had a librarian's meeting after school. We did horrible business and then I had to sit still at a meeting (of course I was late getting there). My mom called me when I arrived asking where I was. When I told her I was at a meeting that was just starting, she asked if it would be over around 5 and I said maybe. My phone rings during the meeting at 5:10ish. We're having this long conversation about how reading and librarians are important to learning, yadda, yadda, yadda. I turn off the ringer and then decide to go out in the hall to call my mom. The first thing I said was, "I'm still in my meeting, I didn't realize you guys were that hungry" But then my mom said that my grandfather had been put in the hospital for heart failure and she wanted to know when I would be done so we could go to the hospital. I left right then and there. I felt like a dork. My grandfather was a bit out of it. His main complaint was that he was hungry. He stayed for 3 days. He was released yesterday and my parents, sister, 2 of her kids and I went to pick him up. It was very stressful because it turns out he needs 24 hour care and my grandmother isn't much better. So now I predict the fighting will begin amongst my mother's 5 sibings about what to do with my grandparents. I feel horrible for my mother. She and my father are in okay health, but they aren't strong enough to take care of my grandparents. My father has some serious health problems of his own. So, it might sound like I'm an ungrateful granddaughter, but I think they need either a home nurse in the evening or a nursing care facility. It's hard for me to even think this way but I love them and I want them to be well taken care of.

But that wasn't the only bummer. Our book fair totally sucked! We lost about 200 students last year to the new school opening and it affected our sales. We did horribly. At least we have enough to have Rick Riordon come in February.

Then I came home today to find that my dog Hope has chewed up my glasses that I left on the side table in the living room (forgot them this morning because I was running late). I know she has been upset because I haven't been able to walk her this week because I left shortly after I got home to go to the hospital and I got home late. I want to be mad at her but I can't because I know she's just reacting to being home alone.

The last bummer comes in the fact that waiting times will continue to increase. I knew that but I think I finally comprehend the fact that I probably won't be an official mom until late 2007 or early 2008. I know there are positives in that I can save and do other things that I can't do with Grace, but the thought of not having her for a long time is like a little stab to my heart. I will survive but it's going to sting for a while.

On the brighter side, I get to see my best friend Sandra tomorrow and go shopping with her. There is nothing like therapy shopping. Especially shopping at the San Marcos outlet.

Stork Landing and Cool Gifts

TGIF! Yep! I'm very happy. The stork had landed and there are some beautiful babies out there. It makes me more excited because my turn will be coming. What makes the wait more bearable is that I have an awesome waiting buddy and I'm part of the MayDTC 2006 gift swaps. I got the coolest things today. I got some great books for Grace, cute feeie pajamas and a lullaby CD. Diane sent me a lovely panda ornament and a cute book. I can't wait until Grace sees her stuff.

The crib will be paid off in January so that means I have to paint before I get it. I will also have to break down Hope's crate so that everything fits. Time is going fast.

Next week is book fair! YUCK! I hate it because it sucks the life out of you. On top of that, I have meetings after school most every day of the week. Oh well! It's part of life.

Tomorrow, I'm meeting up with some friends for lunch at Cheesecake Factory and some pumpkin cheesecake. YUM! It's finally cold here! Let's see how long it will last.

A time to give Thanks

Thanksgiving is my all time favorite holiday. All you do is eat and enjoy your family. This year was especially good to my family. The food was yummy and my whole family is doing well. It was nice to see my cousins and my aunts and uncles. I hope that next year Grace will be with us.

Of course I went to Kohl's and JcPenney's the day after Turkey Day just to see what deals were available. I got the last magic bullet for Sandra and Rex and I got a bread maker for myself. I especially enjoyed spending time today with my best friend and her husband in Fredericksburg. She is going to have a baby girl in April. Grace is going to have a playmate that is very near her age which is very exciting.

Yesterday was my six month LID anniversary. Time is going by fast. I hope it continues. Before I know it, I will have Grace in my arms.

Waiting Family Dinner

I went to the waiting family dinner for my adoption agency last night. I took my parents with me. It was very interesting to see people with their new babies and the referral pictures. It is a good thing to see because you know that soon it will happen for you in the future.

I also visited with my grandparents today. We played poker and my mom was the big poker champ. I started out strong but lost the most. Tomorrow we'll play dominoes. It's my grandfather's favorite game. He was having a bit of trouble playing poker. It made me sad. But, I learned today that he had been hit by a streetcar when he was a boy and had to have stitches. It's those little stories that I want to remember and write down and share with Grace about her great grandfather. He led a very interesting life.

I'm posting the picture of my ladybug troll. I'm hoping she brings our May group good luck and fast referrals (come on May!)

The Ladybug Troll

Today when I went to Wal-Mart, I was looking for a digital hamster pet for my niece Alex. What did I find instead? The most hideous looking troll in a ladybug outfit. You would think that it would freak me out because most trolls do, but for some reason, it called out to me. It was fate saying, "Buy me, I'm lucky and maybe I'll speed up the wait time." So what did I do? I bought it of course. It is now on my desk at work, still in its box. I'm looking for another to send to send as a gift to another adoptive family. We could use all the help we can get with the wait.

The Brown Envelope

After a long and extremely BORING meeting today, I got a big surprise. I was already cranky and my neck is sore from sleeping on it wrong when I opened my mailbox and there was this huge brownish envelope at the bottom of my mailbox. I noticed something about federal government and travel. I threw my mail into my passenger seat and rushed to my house so I could examine it closer (I would have done it in my car, but I had to pee pretty badly and there were those kids who were throwing a ball around where my car and I was so I was a bit leery of getting hit). I ran inside, and scrounged through my mail. It was the great brown envelope. I have my number and everything now. Woo-hoo. I hope it bodes as a good sign that referrals will speed up. The next good thing is that I got my places everyone e-mail and it looks like my month will be soon going through review (maybe the next month or the following month). Yippee! Hopefully that is a sign. So, things are getting brighter on the adoption front. I honestly hope that it is a 12 month wait and not 14 or 18 or 24. I hope I can travel this summer because it would work out better (I could take more time off from work). I'm wishing and hoping and praying!

Right Here, Right Now
By Jesus Jones
BestAudioCodes.com

Favorite Smells

As I was walking Hope this evening, the smell of fresh clean laundry filled my nostrils. It made me take a deep sniff and ahhhh, contentment. I love the smell of fabric softner and clean laundry. It makes my walks with Hope even better. I also love the smell of BBQ, with meat cooking. I love the smell of a fire in a fire place and the smell of autumn (which still hasn't totally hit here yet!) Vanilla, a pumpkin pie cooking in the oven are also some of my favorite smells. The weirdest smell that I love is Hope's feet. I know that sounds gross but it has a fritoy, salty smell. Babies, stinky diapers and all also smell heavenly. My favorite smell though is my parents' house. I feel at home. Isn't it weird how just a smell can bring comfort? I'm thankful for the small things in life like being able to smell. My poor mom doesn't have a strong sense of smell. She's missing some good stuff!

Stork Alert

Man do I LOVE to get the e-mail entitled Stork Alert. I get all excited and goofy. I keep thinking, soon it'll be for me. I love to read people's blogs and see the beautiful faces of the babies that will be coming home with their parents in a short amount of time. I can only imagine when it's my time. I'll probably be a total basketcase. If it happens during the school year, Shannon, the other library chick, will have to reign me in. I'm sure I'll become a stalker of the Federal Express guy. I keep praying that the big day will happen for me in May. How awesome would that be? I'd still be in school and I can share my happiness with my students and my colleagues. But, I remain cautious and expect the day in late July or August.

What else has been going on? Not too much. Work is work. My poor teachers are overworked and stressed to the max. My students are right there with them. I can't wait for Turkey Day to come. It's my favorite holiday because all you do is eat, eat and eat some more for the whole week. YUM. I'm already dreaming of pumpkin pie, turkey and those brown and serve rolls. Less than a month to food happiness.

Waiting Teaches Patience

So, it's Sunday and I have been in process for now, let's see about a year. I started looking into adoption at the beginning of October of last year and was accepted into the program, December 23rd of 2005. I started my paperwork in January, was DTC May 19 2006 and was LID May 24, 2006. It's looking to be a 14-18 month wait. Hmmmm, this gets me to thinking what other animals have long gestational periods. Being the awesome librarian I am, I did some research. Elephants have a 22 month gestational period. Killer whales are pregnant for about 517 days or almost 17 months. Sperm whales average 14 months. Giraffes have 14 months and rhinos 16 months. Camels typically have a 15 month gestational period. So, if these animals can do it, so can I. I have decided that there are good things about waiting for my daughter. I am the eternal optimist. I have again created a top 10 list on why the wait is good.

10. I can still watch my favorite reality shows like Amazing Race, Survivor and America's Top Model

9. I can catch all the movies at the movie theater

8. I can start Chinese class all over again and NOT drop out

7. I can learn to be a better cook

6. I have more time to save $$$$$

5. I can go to Vegas with my friends

4. I have time to get my house cleaned and organized and kid-safe

3. I have time to make Grace's room spectacular

2. I will have time to learn all the cool, fun, kiddie shows

1. I am learning patience

Chinese School Drop Out

Okay, it's official. I am a Chinese school drop out. I decided it was best for me at this time to drop the class. It was every Wednesday from 6:30 to 9 p.m. I have learned that I am NOT a good sitter, especially a long day at work. I would stay at school until 5:00 and then go home, let out Hope and then leave again for the torture of being called on and not pronouncing correctly in front of my classmates and not getting it. It was also very informal and without a lot of visual aid, which doesn't suit my learning style. I felt like a big 'ol flopping fish on the river bank struggling for air. At least I learned the important phrases like Hello, thank you, and my name is...I struggled with this decision, but in the end I feel good about it. Deep down, I think I was frustrated that I wouldn't be using it any time soon. So, I have decided to wait and take another class with my mother in the spring with a different teacher. To commemorate my decision, I have composed a top 10 list of why I'm glad that I have become a Chinese School Drop Out

10. I can watch America's Top Model in real time
9. I can eat Wednesday dinner more slowly (I can actually cook!)
8. I don't have to rush out of Wednesday afternoon faculty meetings (teachers weren't appreciating me running over them in the parking lot)
7. I can get my laundry done
6. I don't have to spend the rest of the week studying so I wouldn't look stupid in class
5. I don't have to listen to my classmate talk about how horrible her million dollar house turned out
4. I have time to tutor my nephew two times a week
3. If my mom wants to go to Kohl's for Senior Citizen discount shopping at Kohl's, I can take her
2. My dog can pee at her leisure
1. I have a new version of "Beauty School Drop Out" (Chinese School Drop Out...no graduation day for you. Chinese School Drop Out, missed your midterms and flunked Tai Chi")


Yep, feeling better already.

5 Months!

Five months down! Five months down! I can see a dim light. Yippee! As I was walking Hope this evening, I realized, or maybe hoped that next year, maybe I would be walking Hope and pushing Grace in a stroller to visit Grammy & Pa. Hmmmm, it can happen. Only time will tell.

I'm Such a Bad Doggie Mom

I have to confess, I'm a horrible doggie mom. My poor dog, Hope...I've been neglectful with her time-wise this weekend. I had the school rummage sale on Saturday and I had to be at school at 7 a.m. (earlier than usual). I was up at 5:30 out the door by 6:15 (so I could get tacos). I didn't get home until after 4. I had 5:30 Mass and then I was home for about 15 minutes before I went to the movies with my friend, D. I got home close to 11 and of course, I went to bed. Then this morning, I was up early again to eat breakfast with my friends, Valorie, her hubby Jack and their baby, Gabrielle and D. I didn't get home until 10 and then what did I do? Sleep until 1. Then I went with my mom, sister and niece to get her some clothes and then to dinner and didn't get home until almost 7. So now I am finally at home. Instead of our usual 1.2 mi walk/jog, I decided to just run around the block with her. Poor Hope. I would chew my sofa pillows too out of frustration. Right now she is laying on the landing looking at me with her soulful brown eyes. Even though it's dark and cool, I'm going to go out and play some fetch with her for a bit. I know it doesn't make up for not being home, but I hope, it will help her with her excessive energy. Next weekend, I'm going to the Renaissance Festival with my best friend and her husband and his friend in Plantersville, near Houston. I'm going to have my parents check in on her. My dad LOVES my dog and he'll give her lots of love. I'll be leaving early and coming home late but I plan on staying home with her on Sunday. So, what's the point of this blog? Is it just my confession to free my conscience? Maybe a little bit. But, it is helping me realize that the life I'm currently leading is going to be changing in the near future. You know, I'm actually excited about not having to be responsible for Student Council next year. It's fun, but it takes a lot of time and hard work.

I'm also a bad daughter. If my mother or father is reading this blog, I'm sorry for being so impatient. My mom, bless her heart, isn't the most savvy with technology. But she tries. She calls me up a bit ago asking me about an attachment and how to work it. For all of you visual and kinestetic learners, you can understand my frustration. She's asking questions and because I'm not there, it's hard for me to troubleshoot and walk her through. When I finally understand what she needs, she unfortunately doesn't have the background knowledge (let me throw in a good ol educational word, schema) to accomplish the task. Now, she only lives a half a mile away and I could have gone over there, but I was in the middle of getting my squares done for my GWCA group quilt (sorry, I'm a bit late on it!) finished and doing laundry and I was in my pjs. I told her that I'd go over tomorrow and fix it for her. I feel a bit guilty for being a bit snappy and not as helpful as I should be. The lesson I learned is that I need to stop, breathe, take it one step at a time and breathe again before I speak. Breathe in and breathe out. I think I can do that. I'm sorry Mom!

Dreams & Gifts

I wanted to post this yesterday but I had such a bad headache that I ended up in bed by 8:30 last night. But even though I had a crazy and hectic day, it was a good and enlightening day.

So, let me start with the dream that I had the night before last (Monday night 10/16/06). I had this weird dream that I was laying in bed, alone and I was pregnant. The worst part was that I was going into labor. It was one of those vivid dreams where you can feel the pressure and the pain. I couldn't get up out of bed and had to call my parents to come get me. So, I really didn't think anything of the dream since most of you know that I have some pretty weird dreams until I was telling my friend, D about it. My other friend said, "Hey! Maybe it means that your baby is being born right now in China!" How cool is that? That thought never even occured to me. For a girl who is all about the signs, I totally missed that boat. So, this is now an encouraging sign for me.

The other thing I wanted to talk about is the package that Trisha from my MayDTC 2006 group sent me. It was the COOLEST! I got, okay, Grace got, these fun CDS, alphabet DVDs, books (and this is PERFECT because she IS the daughter of a Librarian!) and hair things, which I think I'm going to start using because they are super cute! Thank you, thank you, thank you! It truly made my day. It's like when you find money in a pair of jeans or a jacket that had been washed or you hadn't worn in a while. It makes you that happy!

Patience
By Guns N' Roses
BestAudioCodes.com

Waiting Children

The Waiting Child list came out on Friday afternoon. I decided I had to look at it, not so much as to find my daughter, but in a way, it gives me a little hope. I checkekd it out and find out that my daughter isn't on that list. There are 30 children and I know there is going to be a lot of competition for them. This is great. I hope these children find a wonderful home. I wonder how many people are considering SN children because the wait for NSN is so long. All I know is that there is a reason for my wait. Only God knows what it is so I'm going to be patient. There is a saying by St. Thomas Aquinas that says that being patient is one of the best ways of doing God's will (or something like that). Let go, let God. It has taken me a long time to accept that. Patience is not one of my best virtues. But, I'm working on it.

In the meantime, I'm getting things together for the school rummage sale next Saturday. I'm trying to get Grace's room together and teach Hope not to be so spazzy.

Family & Friends

Family...it's a great thing. I love my family. We're almost cult-like, at least mine is. We BBQued today at my parents' house. It was the maiden voyage of their new swanky gas grill. I had never cooked on one and I got a couple of burns, but I'll survive. There's something about cooking for the ones that you love. You're willing to eat last to make sure everyone else eats. Of course, my beloved dog, Hope had to help herself to some hot dog buns on the kitchen counter much to my chagrin.

Last night I went to see Open Season with my friend, D and her cousins. It was funny. I leaned over to her cousin who is expecting at the end of the month and said, "This is probably going to be one of the last movies you get to go to alone." It hit me then that this would be true of me in the near future. It's so strange to think that I can't just jump up and go to a movie and not think about someone at home or getting a babysitter. I guess, it made me realize that now is the time to see all the movies I want before my Grace comes into my life.

It's also going to be the last Ren Fest that Sandra, Rex and I go to for a long time. Both of us are expecting (Sandra is due in April). I think this is going to be even more special for us. I can't wait to see that pretzel guy so Rex can laugh his butt off. I guess I should explain. One year, Sandra and I spotted the pretzel guy waaaaay across the stadium (jousting arena) and we yelled to each other pretzels! He said we nearly knocked him and other people over to reach the guy. He said he'd never seen anybody run so fast. We love our carbs! I'm going to miss that, but both of us will have something even better than pretzels. Hmmmm, pretzels!

Skipping Chinese Class AGAIN!

Okay...so it's the guilty Catholic girl in me and I feel I must confess...I skipped Chinese class again. I've come up with many different reasons to make myself feel less guilty and here they are: I got out late of my meeting and I would only have half an hour to eat, take care of my dog and frankly I feel bad about leaving Hope by herself ALL DAY long (class doesn't get out until 9 p.m.); I am exhausted from work and had a headache; the first class was a total bust (it was like learning Chinese a la Tigger...bouncing all around); I'm not going to China until summer or fall so I have time; my $72 is going to a good cause no matter if I go or not; and finally, it's not like my daughter is going to be speaking Chinese when I get her. Do I feel better that I have confessed? No, not really. Maybe I should go to confession for patoral absolution. I just hate being a big ol quitter. Will I ever go back? Probably not. I didn't feel very comfortable in the first place and I need structure in learning a new language. I think I'm going to try tapes (maybe).

So, we got our update and I'm still pending review. I hope that will go without any hitches but I'm knocking on wood as I say that.

Did I tell you that Hope was in trouble today? She chewed up another square. She's so in trouble. She knew it too. I'm going to have to keep everything waaaaaay up high. I guess it's like prepping for a baby.

Mailman Frustration

Can I tell you how frustrated I am with our mail system? Yesterday, I got a key in my mailbox for a package. I was expecting 2 from my cybershower buddies. Guess what? The key didn't fit the package holder for my pod but it fit the one next to it. I figured, my package was in there. Guess what? It was somebody elses. I delivered it to them and they didn't have their key. I called the post office this morning and of course, the mailman wasn't the one doing the delivery yesterday. It was somebody else. But I told him I was waiting on 2 packages and I told him about my dilemma. Today, on my porch were 2 packages. One was one of the ones I was expecting. The other was a diaper bag from similac (which is super cool). I hope the other package isn't lost. I'm giving it a week. But, I LOVE what Donna gave me. It's the cutest! It's 2 bathing suits, a cover up and a hat. Grace is gonna be one cute beach bunny! I'm posting the picture of it.

Yesterday I also found one of my quilt squares chewed by my dear dog, Hope. I am going to send a new one to the person who it was supposed to go to. Hope has a penchant for anything cotton. I mean anything. Undies, t-shirts, socks, you name it she chews it. She's only a year so she's still puppy. That girl is going to test my patience. I guess it's a warm up of what is to come.

I went to dinner with two of my friends along with Gabster (Valorie's babinka). She is too cute! She's got the poutiest lips and the cutest teeth that are coming in. She is like a little doll. I've decided that when Denise gets her baby, we'll be the united colors of Benneton. Gabster is blonde/blue eyed, my Gracie will be Asian and I have a feeling that Denise will have a different culture baby than ours. I love it.

It's Saturday night and here I am sitting at my laptop just thinking about what I'm going to write. Not much is happening on the adoption forefront. I went to dinner tonight with my best friend, Sandra and her husband Rex. She's pregnant and is due in April. I'm so excited for her. I think I'm living vicariously through her pregnancy since I am unable to have that experience with my own daughter. I ask lots of questions and am so enthusiastic that it probably freaks her out.

I am seriously considering adding my mother's name to my daughter's name of Grace. My mom has done a lot for me. She's helped made me the woman I am today. She's strong and has accomplished a lot. I want my daughter to be as strong as her Grammy. Let's try it out...Grace Maria, Grace Mariah, Grace Marika, Grace Malia...I don't know. I guess we'll see.

Well, another day down. The weekend is almost over. Next week will be a long week. I think I'm going to drop out of Chinese class because I've already missed one class and I think I'm going to have to miss next class for a district meeting. Oh well...I still have plenty of time before I head off to China.

Signs

Do you believe in signs? Or do we suddenly see some things because we are more aware of them than before because it's something that we want so badly? The optimist in me believes in signs. For example, I went to Jr Greatbooks training today. I have been through this training and the last time I went, the story we read was "Harrison Bergeron." Guess what it was today? A Chinese folktale! Sign or just a coincidence? Am I trying to grasp for something that isn't there? I haven't a clue, but I want to believe that it's God's way of telling me that to be patient...my daughter in China is somewhere out there waiting for me (either waiting to be born). I realized that it will be less than a year. Less than a year is not bad when you think of it. I just can't look back and think, "Wow! I've already been waiting 4 months, not to mention that I started my paperwork back in January!" But if I put that into perspective, I have already invested 9 months into this journey. Nine months! I'm halfway there! I've already done that time, what is 9 more months going to be like? I have to look at it this way or it'll kill me. Have I considered looking at the Waiting Child list? Absolutely! Will I apply? Probably not. It'slike checking out the RQ site everyday. I have to do it. I don't believe everything, but sometimes it gives me a little something to hold onto. Did I also mention I got my baby June doll? She's too cute. I'll have to post her picture on this blog. See, that's 2 signs for today. Could China be speeding up? Maybe or maybe not.

Shopping Anyone?

Okay, everyone who knows me knows how much I LOOOOOVE to shop. But of course, it has to be on sale...so what did I do? I shopped. I found THE BEST bedding set for Grace. It's called Cute Calico. It's in my colors and has flowers and butterflies on it. I LOVE it! I read one of my adoption books that said that I should be setting up her room because it gets me feeling like a soon to be parent! Wow! It's like 9 or 10 more months, but the cool thing is, I think it made me feel this way. When I was checking out, the lady at JC Penney's commented on how pretty it was and I was like, "Yeah!" Then she asked if I wanted a gift receipt. I was kind of offended. I know I don't look pregnant, but geez, it is for me. I didn't say anything. I hate going into the whole, "I'm adopting from China" with complete strangers...which brings me to something else that happened today at lunch. A colleague asked me about the wait and I told her when another colleague interrupted with, "What?" so I had to explain it to her (don't you hate it when people butt into your conversation without asking???) ANYWAYS, I explained to her that I was adopting a baby from China and she asked me "How does that work?" and "Why?" Let's just say, we aren't really friends, just colleagues. She wanted to know why I didn't naturally have a child, like artificial inseminiation. So, this is how I explained things. "I don't think it would be a great idea for me to show up at school knocked up. We're in a middle school and I could honestly say, "I haven't a clue of who my baby's daddy is...what kind of role model would I be? The librarian is knocked up!" I also had to add that I didn't have a biological urge to have a child...just wanted to be a mom and haven't found the right man to marry. I am at that stage in life where I want to be a parent and frankly, I'm financially, emotionally stable and have a great support system, so why not????

The next question made me laugh? Was I going to stay home with her? Hello...Single parent!!!! Next question. I know I am being harsh here, but I am surprised at the audacity of some people. Would you go up to someone you really didn't know and ask really personal questions if it wasn't volunteered to you? Seriously. But, I guess that will be something I will have to accept. I know I will be questioned about my decision to be a single parent as well as being a single parent to a child who is not of my ethnicity or race or country. I get it. I'm starting to be prepared for these inquisitions. Maybe I'll handle it with better grace next time.

Dreams
By Van Halen
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Introduction

I've started writing this blog, in part to show my daughter when she gets old enough what was happening during my adoption journey and also to share with others what it's like to be a singleton adopting a child.

So, I'll start with my background. I'm 34, single, and a school librarian. I have always wanted to be a mother, but I haven't found the right man to marry. Last year, I took a hard look at my life and realized that I was ready to be a parent: a house, a dog, a great job, and an awesome support system, so I came to the conclusion that I was ready and that adoption was my answer for realizing my dream of parenthood. I did a lot of research and went to several adoption seminars on adopting from China. I did a lot of praying and then I submitted my application. It's really competitive to get a single slot and I was blessed with a spot. I began my ardouous paperwork chase in January, completing it in May. My paperwork was sent to China in May and a week later, I got a LID (Log In Date) of May 24th, 2006.

It looks like the wait will be over a year. It is tough but, I know that somewhere in China, my daughter is waiting for me (she's probably not even born). The time will be right when I get my referral. The hard part is answering the question, "When do you get her?" Honestly, I don't know!