My beloved Gracie, who has been on antibiotics for about a month and was off for one day ended up testing positive for strep yet again. I, also went to the doctor on Friday and I have a bad sinus infection and a crackle in my right lung. This makes for one very tired mama and one cranky little girl. And when the empress gets cranky, she gets downright mean and screechy. And, she's feisty and tenacious in her meltdowns...girlfriend can outlast people with her shrill shrieking. I was literally in tears while waiting to get her new antibiotics (in the Walgreens drive-thru) because she was melting down big time. Those are the days when I just feel so emotionally drained. It has been like this all weekend, on and off. Whenever she doesn't get her way or if I don't give her my 100% attention 100% of the time, she would lose it. Surprisingly, I have been calm and I either put her in the naughty chair when she started kicking and hitting (especially when she was hitting the dog and pulling her fur) or just holding her and walking around with her. I just held her and let her cry...she didn't want to be held sometimes but I would tell her I wanted to hold onto her until she got calm and I would put her down when she was calm. I wouldn't say anything to her but hold her closely to me and walk around and remind her that when she was calm, I could put her down. I wanted her to be safe. And when she was done, I would ask her if she felt better and she would always say yes. Then we would talk about why we shouldn't hit the dog or that Mama needed to...Then I would tell her to say sorry to Hope or me and if it was me I would say, I'm sorry that you were angry. I hope that you feel better and I love you. I also think part of her meltdowns stem from lack of sleep (she is in that antinap mode on the weekends...we are trying) and the steroids she is taking. I really should be sleeping right now as she is asleep, but I needed to kind of unwind and catch my own "breath" which is kind of appropriate since I have been having breathing issues and am on an inhaler. It feels good to unload that. Don't get me wrong by any means, I love my daughter very much but it's times like these that I get so drained and I need to find an outlet. I haven't discovered it yet. I have a lot of guilt, which I put upon myself because I chose to be a single parent. I chose it and I chose my daughter so in my way of thinking, it is my responsibility to deal with it. But, I am slowly learning that it is okay to ask for help. I know that parenthood is valleys and peaks. I know that my daughter has a lot on her plate physically and emotionally. There are a lot of wounds and scars that I can't see. I just want to try to help her get through them. She just had a night terror and I ran quickly to the bedroom to make sure she was okay. God is definitely teaching me patience and understanding with my daughter.
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