Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Christmas and Gracie's 3rd Birthday

Today my baby girl turned 3 years old today.  I couldn't help but think of her biological parents when I woke up this morning and watched my girl sleep.  I am eternally grateful to them despite whatever circumstances led her to Fengxin.  She is everything to me.  She is getting taller and bigger.  Her oxygen saturation levels have stabilized to about an average of 80.  She is funny.  She likes to make jokes and tease.  Her speech is behind but she is talking a lot more than before.  She likes to hop places because she is proud she can do it. 
Anything Elmo or Yo Gabba Gabba reigns supreme.  She made friends with Santa so she is excited that he is coming and she hopes he will bring her a bike.  She has a short fuse, temper-wise and gets very feisty when she doesn't get her way.  Her favorite color is purple and she loves to eat hot dogs (which is why we had a hot dog luncheon birthday party with the family).  I am so thankful that she is in my life and is my daughter.

That being said, I haven't blogged much because a lot in my own personal world has been going on.  I hesitate to even blog about it but I think that maybe if I do talk about it, I might help heal myself and others too.  I started therapy.  I realized I wasn't happy and was pretty depressed and overwhelmed with all the big changes in my life.  I wasn't really dealing with it...I was sort of just burying it all and moving on so basically there were potholes all over and I finally got to the point where I couldn't escape falling into one.  I want to say first and foremost that I do NOT regret my decision to bring Gracie home to be my daughter and that she is very safe being with me...I wasn't even close to the point of hurting either one of us. I was just not liking me.  Grace really is the best part of me right now.  I am working to put myself back together and not just live to be Gracie's mom but also to be me, Jamie. I am working on being honest about my feelings and not feeling guilty about it. Nobody ever blogs or writes about the tough stuff.  It's always about the nice fluffy stuff.  I guess we don't want air our dirty laundry or strip our souls bare so to speak.  I totally get that.  I just know if I keep pretending that everything is peachy keen, I won't be helping myself out.  So, things are slowly getting better.  I am taking it day by day.  I know that with the grace of God, it will get better.


HuluMama said...

Good for you for recognizing that you needed help and getting it!