Back from the Caribbean

Sunday I got home from the 7 night cruise to Jamaica, Grand Caymans and Cozumel. I had a good time overall. The bad thing was that I had sea sickness the whole time. Who would have thought as I am the daredevil girl in the family who loves roller coasters and all that jazz. I wish I could go back to Jamaica and Cozumel and stay and explore longer. I have also learned that it's hard to cruise with your parents who have their own issues (dad can't see in one eye and mom gets sick from the heat) so I was severely limited on what I could do. I also had to sleep on a top bunk attached to the wall. I got some great things. I did get to finish reading Harry Potter and I loved it! It was fun to talk to other passengers about the book. I will have to post pictures from the trip. The weather was warm but at least it wasn't raining. I heard it rained here the whole time. I also heard that they may not make it very far again in referrals for August. Oh well.

Update on the familia

I haven't posted about what has been going on in my family (my grandparents' situation) because it has been kind of in debate but recently it has been settled through mediation. Let's hope it sticks. I'm sad about the outcome, but I know it will be for the best. My grandparents will be going into a nursing home. My aunts and uncles are withdrawing their complaints to the state about my grandparents' care. There is still a lot of anger on the parts of a couple of my aunts and uncles but at least they are finally trying to do what is best for my grandparents. I'm glad they (my grandparents will be together) but I'm sad that it is in a nursing home. They can't care for themselves and their children are older and can't care for them (heck, I'm helping my parents out so I get it). I'm praying that the peace will stay for a while now.

I have to say that daytime TV has been a little bit disturbing. Does Maury Povich have anything else as a topic except the Who's Your Daddy/paternity tests? My goodness, these women/girls have been there multiple times looking for the correct DNA. Does that bother anybody else but me? Geez louise. In order to adopt as a single woman, I had to reveal a lot of personal, intimate information to my social worker in order to be approved. These girls are just popping out babies and they don't know who the daddy is. It is so sad that seems to be going on and nobody thinks twice about it. Times are a changing.

On a brighter note, I'm excited because I will be leaving this weekend for the Caribbean. Yippee! I plan on reading the whole week (Harry Potter is coming out on Saturday) and siteseeing when we pull into the various ports. Hope is going to doggie daycare/overnight camp. I hope it goes well for her.

Guess I won't be having my 15 minutes of fame after all

It has been one roller coaster week. Monday, as you know, I was notified that I had made it to the next round of interviews. I was on Cloud 9. I came crashing down when the producer e-mailed me the agreement that I had to sign before I could proceed (you had to sign before the interview, even though I had already been interviewed already). It was basically in another language but I was able to decode it with the help of my friend's mom. The bottom line is that when you sign these agreements, you basically sign away all of your rights. The company/network owns you and they can portray you in any way they see fit. I understand that this is a standard sort of contract/agreement. After really thinking about it, I had to politely decline the offer (even though part of me still wanted to do it) because I didn't want anything to come back and bite me in the proverbial booty. I have too much to lose (i.e. adoption and my job). I know I made the right decision. So, you won't be seeing me on TV. It's probably better. I have this feeling they would have made me, the sweet librarian into some sleazy vixen which is silly.

Tomorrow is the court date. I hear my aunt finally got served (she had everything closed up tighter than a tick). I'm praying it goes well and the judge makes the best decision for my grandparents.

On a brighter note, I get to leave for the Caribbean in a week. I'm going on a cruise for a whole week. YEA!

Transformers, Court, and Dallas here I come...

Yeah, you're probably wondering about this entry's title. My mind is a jumbled mess right now. So, I guess I need to start at the beginning (suddenly, The Sound of Music Do Rey Mi just popped into my head...it's my A-D-D). I spent today helping my aunt take my grandmother to the foot doctor. I don't know how she does it on her own. That wheel chair seriously stressed my triceps (at least I think so). They are already sore from taking it in and out of the car. I have a lot more respect for her for what she does. She really does a good job taking care of her and I know how incredibly hard it must be that it's your own mother. We are going to court on Thursday and I found out today that the aunt that "kidnapped" my grandfather has locked up her gate so that they cannot be served court papers. They know about the hearing because they took my grandfather to visit my grandmother at my grandparents' house (where my grandmother is living) and according to the lady who stays with my grandmother, they (my aunt, her husband and my cousin) were nosing around my grandmother's house and they were checking out the papers that had been served to my grandmother. According to my aunt who is the primary caregiver of my grandmother, my grandmother is pretty ticked off at my grandfather and is calling him an old fart and that it will come back and bite him in the butt. So...because of all the stress today, my sister, her kids and I went to see Transformers this evening. That has been my favorite movie of the summer thus far. It was so action packed. I absolutely loved it. A line that hit home for me was when the Josh Duhamel character says that a perfect day for him is when he finally gets to hold his daughter for the first time (I totally can relate to that line...I think most of us can who are waiting for our children). It was really good. See that movie and definitely do not waste your money on Licensed to Wed (YUCK!) Now, here comes the next connection, Dallas. I just got home from the movies and I get a phone call. It's California and they want me to come to Dallas because I have made it to the next round for that new game show. I really would rather fly than make that 4 to 5 hour drive from where I live, but it'll cost me about $220 roundtrip. I'm really not wanting to do that. So...it looks like I'll probably be driving to Dallas on Sunday. I'm going to see if I can talk my friend D into coming with me because I really don't want to drive by myself. So, if things go well on Sunday, you might see me on TV this fall. We'll see!

Peach & Berry Picking

My best friend, her baby girl Holly, and I went to Fredericksburg to go blackberry and peach picking. It's not my normal thing but I had a blast. I had no idea that peach picking was hard. You have to really check out the peach looking at its color, making sure it doesn't have yucky stuff or isn't too hard. There are these bees or something seriously buzzing all around dive bombing you. Sandra found a gorgeous peach and on it was a ladybug. It's a good sign. I'm one day closer to my daughter.

We're out of Review!

YEE-HAW! May 2006 is out of review...Congrats my fellow May DTCers. It's one step closer to our children. My next step is contacting my agency and getting my homestudy updated so I can renew my I-171 paperwork. Can ya'll see the light at the end of the tunnel?

I tried to post yesterday but my connection was not working with me. I hope everybody had a great 4th of July (Happy Late B.day America!) As I got older, it became one of my favorite holidays because I was able to spend it with my favorite people, this year, my parents, sister, niece and nephews. I BBQed burgers and hot dogs and made ice cream with the assistance of my niece. I figured out last night that the reason why I loved the fourth so much is because it means family and I love mine very much. My dad even mentioned that he hopes that maybe next year there will be a little one running around the back porch. I hope so too, daddy. I really hope so.

Boy, Oprah can sure make me cry!

I don't know if it's been everything that has been going on or the book that I was reading (Notes from a Midnight Driver by Jordan Sonnenblick) but today's Oprah (which was a rerun) about the boy she couldn't forget got me boo-hooing! Geez, all it took was the look in one of the boy's eyes and how he was upset with his parent for selling him into slavery and tears were pouring down my face. By the time Oprah was over, my face was all blotchy, tear-stained and my nose was running like a sieve. The episode made me incredibly sad.

My mom got sick and I took her to the doctor and got her meds. The stress caused by the situation surroundig my grandparents (her parents) has really gotten to her. Actually, everybody is like a cat with their hackles up (arched back, hair straight up). I can only pray it gets better. We spent 5 hours at the lawyer's office yesterday and yep, I'm pretty much sick about hearing it. I definitely need a vacation from my summer vacation.

You know, I said I wasn't going to check out rumor sites but I couldn't help myself. I read some of the stuff but I was actually okay. People are saying 2 years wait. Miracles do happen and I believe in them.

Things happen when you're least expecting it!

I don't know if you all knew that my assistant, Shannon and I actually made a video and applied for the Amazing Race. Well, we hadn't heard a peep. Guess what? NO...The Amazing Race didn't call but someone from another CBS show did call me as a potential candidate. WOW! I was interviewed and I'm not quite sure how it went, only that I was my usual goofy self. We'll see. If I hear something, I'll let ya'll know.

You have to see Evan Almighty. I took my dad to it this afternoon. It was a fantastic movie and the message really hit home for me. God says to Evan's wife that when you pray for something like patience, do you really think you're suddenly going to be patient or are you going to be given an opportunity to practice it? It was a good thought and lesson for me. This wait is my practice in patience (because God knows how often I have prayed for it). I should be VERY patient when I get Grace. So, the lesson here (and I got it from a Steve Carrell movie, go figure) is that this wait is our opportunity to practice and learn patience so we'll be patient parents. Yea!

Next Verse Same as the First

Can I just say how tired of hearing about how horrible my one aunt is (see you can even see that my dog Hope is tired of it too)? Yes, she and her husband did something horrible but I'm tired of hearing over and over from my other aunts and uncle the same things over and over again. We went over to my grandparents' house on Friday because the bad aunt was going to drop off my grandfather. It had been said by adult protective services that he said he wanted to live with my grandmother. We (my parents, sister, uncle and adult protective services) were there I guess as witnesses and to make sure it went smoothly. Guess what? It didn't. It was like I was in the middle of a Jerry Springer episode. End result: my grandfather (who definitely isn't in his right mind) got riled up (he has been brainwashed by my bad aunt and her husband...not just saying this, he's not acting like the man I grew up to know as my grandfather), decided to leave my grandmother again and left with the bad aunt and her husband AND we all get to go to court over who is going to be guardians of my grandparents (even though my uncle has power of attorney). So, four out of 5 siblings will be going to a lawyer to represent them against the bad aunt and her husband. There are lots of other things that I won't bore you with but let me just say that I am so very sad for my grandparents, especially my grandmother. When my grandfather left she leaned over and asked me where he was going (my grandmother sometimes isn't so with it). I told her he was going to live with that aunt and her husband. She said, "He doesn't want to live with me?" I had to tell her no. She just sighed and I asked her if it hurt her feelings that he didn't want to stay and she said yes but that he was very independent and had his own thoughts and mind and if that made him happy then so be it. I wanted to cry. She is one cool chick.

My 13 month anniversary is today. So, I'm praying for a speedup still. I can't believe that I've made it this far. I have to admit that sometimes I have to look at other countries like Ethiopia and Zambia and I think, "I could get my child in still a shorter amount of time than in China." I have to shake that off because I know that my Gracie is in China. I know it's my restless impatience to have my child is "making" me do this. I might have another child in one of those other countries at another time. Not now. I'm not giving up. I'm going to be patient. I still am saying and I'm sure that you all are sick of me saying this but here it goes: May 06 LIDers in 2007!

Lucky People

I was watching 20/20 yesterday evening and the topic was what made people lucky. It seems that if you truly believe you are lucky and tend to be more positive and optimistic, then it is more likely that you will have good luck. It seems that by having this mindset, you are more open to attracting good or lucky things (sounds kind of like "The Secret" huh?). I do consider myself very blessed and lucky. I do tend to drive people nuts with my perky, upbeat personality. But you know what? I AM lucky. Therefore, it is my belief that my lucky streak will continue and the May 2006 LIDers will get their referrals THIS year. I do understand that people like to look at data and draw logical conclusions and they don't want to get their hopes up only be to disappointed, but I'm going to be positive for them too. My life is not going to be at stake if I continue to believe in this, hope for this. I believe!

On a different note, my grandfather is now in the hospital with a blood clot. He says he wants to go back home. It seems that it hit the proverbial fan yesterday when the adult protective services got involved and found out that my aunt and her husband really didn't have the legal power of attorney and the doctors have now spoken and it seems that things might be going back to where they were originally and there are possible "kidnapping" charges being considered. I hope it doesn't get to that. I think that's where it becomes vindictive. I think it's become a battle of the siblings and they are not thinking what's best for their parents, my grandparents. We'll see. I'm just praying for them and I thank all of you who have been praying for me and my family. You guys rock!

Family Drama Update

I'm so thankful for many things. One of the main things that I am thankful for is that I am on summer vacation. I definitely have needed this break to help my mom deal with her family's drama. Let's see...my grandparents both are older and aren't able to take care of themselves. My mom is the oldest of 5 children. My mom is 67 and isn't physically able to care for them. One of my aunt's has been taking care of both of my grandparents during the day and other people are coming in on the weekends and evenings to take care of them (everybody including my aunt is being paid...this is my aunt's primary job). So, basically, the money is running out. While my grandmother was in the hospital, another aunt and her husband decided that my grandfather doesn't have enough money left to pay everybody who takes care of them and that my grandmother needs to be a in a nursing home and that they would take care of my grandfather (who is also not in his right mind and needs 24 hour care). They convinced my grandfather of this and he told my grandmother that she is going to the nursing home and he was going to live with my other aunt and her husband. They (my grandfather, aunt and uncle) have closed all accounts and gave my uncle (who is NOT even related to my grandfather) power of attorney. So, basically there is no money to pay for my grandmother's caregivers. She's back at home! It's a horrible thing that that aunt and uncle are doing. I do agree that my grandparents need specialized 24 hour nursing home care but this isn't the way to accomplish it. In fact my mother, real uncle and another aunt suggested this a while back when we realized my grandmother needed 24 hour care.

So, bottom line, I'm glad that I'm on break to help support my mom. In a way, God knows that it wasn't a good time for Grace to come into my life because I need to be here to help my mom.

But, I'm still praying that my Gracie will be home for Christmas! May 2006 LID in 2007!

Very Sad News

It has been an emotionally draining weekend. My grandmother was put into the hospital again. It's like she's not even in this world anymore. She just wants to sleep. This wasn't the worse thing though. Yesterday I was supposed to go to my assistant, Shannon's daughter's graduation party. (sidenote: couldn't go because my grandmother was being admitted into the hospital). I got a call today and it turns out that Shannon's mom passed away in her sleep. It seems that she didn't show up to the party either and Shannon's husband went to check on her because she wasn't answering her phone. He found her still in bed. I knew Shannon's mom well. She used to be a teacher at our school and retired a few years ago. In fact, I spoke to her on the phone Friday. She was strong, tough (raised two children on her own and lived through the trauma of her son's murder), smart, saavy, cool, funny...just a class act. She was in her mid to late sixties but looked like she was in her 50s. My heart is breaking for Shannon. She is truly now the last of the mohicans (she was the only one left on her side of the family). She was super close to her mom. The whole family was going to go camping to S. Padre for one last big family trip before her daughter left for college. I'm sad for her daughter to always remember her graduation party the day her grandmother passed. Amy will be missed very much. She is in a way better place than us. It's ironic that Shannon and I were talking about death on Friday. We passed a mortuary on the way back from lunch and she said that she wouldn't want to work there not because of the dead but because of how sad the living are.

I called Shannon this evening to check on her. It was a short and hard conversation. I didn't know what to say since I haven't been in this situation. I told her I would take care of work tomorrow and that I would let people know at school. I asked her if she needed anything and that I was praying for her and was thinking of her and that I was so sorry. It was so awkward. We're really like two peas in a pod and we finish each other's sentences. It was too weird not to say anything to each other. I know she's in shock and is hurting greatly. I wish I could ease the pain but I know I can't. I can only pray that God gives her the strength to carry on and take it day by day.

1 Year Anniversary

Today is my 1 year anniversary for being LID. It seems that it really has flown by. I really think that the rest of my wait will go as fast as this past year (it will be this year...I just know it!)

Congratulations to all fellow May LIDers! We've made it 1 year!

I'm sad for my friend

Today I am sad. It doesn't have to do with my adoption. It has to do with one of my closest friends. She is working through something (she won't tell me, but I know she has a lot of demons from her past) and is pushing me and my other friend away from her. It always used to be the three of us together all of the time, a little less after she had her baby two years ago. She won't talk to either one of us, except she told me Friday that she is not mad at me and knows she's pushing me away. I told her I wasn't giving up on her and that I was praying for her. I knew that she had put in for a transfer. I had even asked her recently if she had heard anything and she hadn't. Today I found out that indeed, she will be going elsewhere. The tough thing is that she has not told me or our other friend. I mean, yeah, it sucks that she's going to another school, but frankly, maybe she needs this change to help her get out of her funk. But, she hasn't said anything and this makes me feel like this is the end of the road for the triad. What scares me the most about her right now is that she's in such a deep despair and she seems hopeless. I hope she is able to get out of this and I hope she's willing to let both me and my other friend back into her life. Only time will tell.

It's Been 1 Year

It has been one year since I was DTC (well on Saturday). It doesn't seem like a year. I keep thinking about what my expectations were back then and I can honestly say that I thought I would have at least a picture of my daughter. I believe that by the same time next year I will have my daughter. I don't think it'll just be a picture. I think it will my actual Grace.

On a brighter note, my Waiting Buddy sent me this awesome outfit for Grace complete with cute hat. She's going to be pretty in pink. I love it. Thank you Diane! You rock!

Surprises

I am now watching the end of the American Idol and am I so shocked that Melinda Doolittle didn't make it into the finale. I LOVE her and she rocks. I do also love the other two.

The other big surprise in my life is that my principal is retiring. I know she had been teetering on retiring or staying but she finally committed to taking the plunge. Shocker. It should be interesting to see who replaces her. I'm a bit nervous because you never know what could happen. Next school year is going to be very interesting. It could be a possible Renaissance.

Mother's Day Blues

Okay, it shouldn't have bothered me, but it did. Today was a tough day for me emotionally. When I began the journey to adopt, I honestly thought at the time I would have a picture of my daughter by now. It's almost a year later and we know the wait has been extending. It started innocently enough by my best friend. She called me frantic this morning about something she had seen on CBS this morning about Chinese adoption. It was frustrating because I had already have told both her and her in-laws that I was indeed grandfathered by the new Chinese regulations. She proceeded to tell me that her inlaws told her about a single woman who got her Chinese adoption revoked because she was on anti-depressants. That just frustrated me because the adoption doesn't get revoked unless it's in the review room and they were unsure about something in the application and it couldn't be substantiated. I HATE rumors like that. I know, in my heart, that it probably wasn't what was said because with rumors, it's usually only a portion of the truth. It shouldn't have upset me, but it did. There really is no reason because my health is fine as is the rest of my application but because I'm not out of review, there is a teeny tiny bit of uncertainty. Even the Mother's Day card my mother gave me and signed my dog's name hurt me too. It really shouldn't because it was with good intentions, but it made tears come to my eyes and it was bittersweet. My sister saying to me at breakfast, "It'll be for you soon." was also heartbreaking to me. I wanted to tell her, I am already a mother. My child happens to be in China right now. But I couldn't because I don't want people to know or see that today is very tough for me because I can only imagine them thinking how silly it is. They don't understand what it's like to be expecting a child but not having that physical proximity. Like, pregnant women, they are expectant mothers and they have the physical proximity of their child and we wish them Happy Mother's Day. We adoptive moms are in limbo and we're not considered mom's until there is an actual physical link. The other thing that hurt me today was people saying Happy Mother's Day to me or asking how it was. I guess I could spin it in a positive way saying, "Wow! I must have already captured the mom look!" But, I think my heart is sad because I'm really yearning for my daughter who is in another country. The only thing I can say to myself to help me feel better is that "Next year I will be celebrating with my daughter."

So, I've gotten it all out and I'm done with this pity party. Tomorrow is a brand new day and I'm one day closer to Grace.

I'm Going Total Wireless

I am an information specialist. I live and breathe information in my job. I'm more of a jack of all trades and master of few. I know a little to get by. I decided that I would like to use my laptop totally wireless. It would be nice checking my e-mail other places than at my desk. I took the plunge and bought a router. It was supposed to be easy to install but of course it isn't. I had to have an Internet chat with my service provider which gave me directions which I started but it didn't work totally. I finally got it to work and then I had to deal with the notebook adapter. That one was FUN! I had to punt on that as well, but I got it working. I am here in my living room posting to my blog and feeling mighty proud of myself. I'm not exactly sure of what I did and how I did it but I did. So, I am now wireless.
I guess it's a Welcome to the Millenium moment a few years later, but at least I finally got on the bus.

East Meets West & Librarian's Idol

I went to the East Meets West conference this past weekend. I am so glad that I went. It was very enlightening. The only thing that sucked about it was the food and that the rooms were too small for some sessions (I don't think they expected EVERYBODY to go to certain ones) Dr. Aronson rocked and her advice was well-received by myself and others (it's okay for other family members to feed your child when you get home or hold them. It doesn't affect attachment...her words exactly were that it was BS but she used the full phrase). I also think when Snow, the head of my agency said, "Right now, China adoption is a leap of faith and a test of your patience" I felt better. I'm not sure why, but I did. I loved meeting other people who are also in my shoes. What a great diverse group of people we are. I also think talking to the other families who are now just beginning the wait made me feel better as well. I guess it's the idea that I'm closer to the front of the line, which gives you a feeling that you aren't last. I really meant it when I told them that this year really has flown by and that theirs will too. I meant it when I told them I hoped their wait would be shorter than mine. Sure, there are times when I'm feeling a bit blue, but I get over them. Everybody has their good and bad days. I'm the kind of girl who likes to see the glass half full and I will continue to live that way.

Speaking of being optimistic...I am running for Librarian's Idol. I know, it's VERY cheesey and it has nothing to do with how good of a librarian you are, BUT...the winner gets free books for their school. How awesome is that! We could surely use it. I have my students and staff voting, but I'm going up against other librarians from the state both public and private. So, I need ya'll's help. I keep slipping. I'm currently 40something and I'd like to win. This contest runs through September so I'm going to ask you guys to keep on voting. The link is on the left in links. It's called librarian's idol. Remember to vote for Jamie at Wood! Thank you guys for doing this for me! You rock!

Ladybugs and Storks

The stork has landed. Referrals came out. The hard news was that only about six days of referrals was in this batch. I thought I would be a little bummed, but I was actually okay. It was like a relief that they had finally made it into November, which is one step closer to May. I focus on baby steps. It keeps me sane. So, it's a good thing. I'm very happy for all of the parents who saw the faces of their children these past few days. What a blessing.

I'm also feeling positive because I had a ladybug spotting...in my house no less. I tried to take its picture but my lighting was poor and it looked psychedelic. I might post the picture later. Yeah, I'll take that as a sign of good luck.

Tomorrow I am off to the conference in Dallas. It should be interesting. I feel bad leaving my Hope Sophia at home. My parents will look in on her. I'm flying up Friday night and flying back Saturday night. She should be okay. I'm definitely taking her for a walk tomorrow afternoon.