Yeah, Christmas wasn't so great. I didn't realize how sad I really am until today. I just wish that those (i.e. my family) would get it. They don't understand how hard it really is because they have never experienced something like this. So, today I am going to wallow in myself and be bummed. This evening I will pick myself up, brush myself off, put on my happy face and take it again one day at a time.
Yesterday I got my fingerprints redone. Woo-hoo. I really hope that I don't have to renew them again. The guard/receptionist guy said to me, "Wow! Haven't seen one of these in a while...they usually come in spurts." That was interesting. The lady who did my fingerprints felt so bad that I still hadn't gotten my child so she's going to pray for me. This is good. The more people who pray for a speedup the better. So next milestone is receiving my renewal of my I-171H.
I saw Alvin and the Chipmunks last night with my friend, D. It was okay. The people behind us kept talking loudly despite D's loud teacherly shusshing and so it was hard to concentrate. Kids will like it though. It was nostalgic though when they sang the Christmas song. It made me remember the Alvin and the Chipmunks album I had growing up and my sister and I would sing along. My favorite was Ragtime Cowboy Joe.
I have my Christmas shopping done and now I am preparing my house for Christmas (cleaning! yuck!). I am again hosting since it keeps me busy and my mind off of the disappointment of physically not having my Gracie with me this Christmas. This time it looks like my parents, my sister, her husband and the three kiddos as well as my aunt, her girlfriend and my other aunt are coming over. I'm pretty much doing all of the cooking...turkey breast, ham, tamales, mashed potatoes, beans, rolls, cranberry, truffle pie...it'll be good. Then we can play DDR (Dance Dance Revolution) and work it all off.
OH! I did get some good news the other day. Summer school is going to be at my school this summer so that means extra money (like nice extra money) which translates into more money for my adoption fund. Maybe this was one of the reasons that I haven't received my referral...God is making sure I have more than enough money.
Lastly, on this date in 2005 (2 years ago), I received a coveted single spot from my agency. It has been an interesting, life changing and unpredictable experience thus far. Happy Anniversary!
Today, my best friend Sandra and I played hooky and did our annual Christmas shopping trip to the outlet mall. So, Sandra needed to get ornaments for her department because she wanted to add that to the chocolate/orange cookies that she was baking for them. We found a store that had ornaments for $.99 which is a steal. I am so not totally looking for anything. I put up my little tree and I think I'm good for ornaments. We were walking along the shelves and what do I spy? Chinese New Year zodiac animal ornaments and Chinese robes! Of course, I get one of every one that they had. This really isn't the fate part, it'll come a bit later. Then Sandra keeps walking down the aisle and lo and behold, what does she find? An ornament of an orange dipped in chocolate (like her cookies) and it was marked even lower! How cool was that! Okay, so here comes the fate part. Sandra glances back and sees these little pink, foofy stockings that had little girls' names on them. She asks me to look for one with her daughter's name, Holly. I go over to the rack, I grab one and the name on it is "Grace". "Hmmm...kinda strange," I think to myself. I go to the backside of the rack to a whole different row and grab another one, guess what that one says? You guessed it, Grace! I think it is a sign that my daughter indeed will be coming home soon. Now, I looked at the rest of the stockings because my first thought was that the rack only had stockings with "Grace" on them but those were the only two. I couldn't find a Holly one. Of course, I did buy the stocking and what made it even better, it was only $1.07 including tax! It's small things like this that God gives us to remind us that good things (our children) are coming around the bend. It helps us hold onto that fragile ledge that we're clinging to for our dear lives during this bumpy ride of Chinese adoption. It truly has been my saving Grace for this week.
I admit that I'm a rebel at work. Not in a bad way though. I don't let administration bully me and I really advocate for my library and my assistant. Today was one of those days that I was bucking the system. I was already in a bad mood because my AP decided to move all the furniture in my library for our faculty meeting so he could have just chairs in a circle. Yeah, that's great and all but I had students coming in first period to check out books and they couldn't get into the stacks because there was furniture in the rows! Did my AP make sure the custodians were ready to put it back together? Was he there helping me, Anita, my student aide move furniture frantically so we'd be ready? That would be No, and No. So, he was not my favorite person. So, when he made me draw for a day of the week to do D-hall for tardy sweep (3:45-4:15), I pretty much came unglued. It may not sound like much to everybody else, but my library is open until 4 every day. I have more kiddos coming in after school now because the mornings (again, another duty, every day from 7:50 until 8:20) have now been invaded by an academic coaching center and alot of my regulars need peace and quiet to do what they need to do. ANYWAYS...to make a long story shorter, we exchanged e-mails that resulted with me not having to be part of it, but it took a very strong voice. I know my friend, D, who is a teacher at my school thinks I'm being a big whiner, but she doesn't get it. I, unlike her, am on duty every morning before and after school. Tardies don't affect me so the whole tardy problem honestly isn't my problem. I do hall duty and herd kids to class during passing periods. Anyways, it's fixed.
BUT, what made me happy was knowing that I have new books coming in from processing. There are several titles that I'm dying to read (as are some of my kids who saw that they have been entered into the catalog and they are busting at the seams). And the other thing that made me very happy was doing a whole installation of an under cabinet CD player in my kitchen with no help. I was so proud of myself. I'm a regular Renaissance Woman.
Two more days until Winter Break. I can make it. I still have a lot of shopping to do. My mom told me she wasn't going to do any more shopping before Christmas and she would get me what I wanted after Christmas. You think it would be much asking her for my daughter? Honestly, that IS the ONLY thing I REALLY want for Christmas.
For those of us who have been waiting and waiting and waiting, the holidays, especially Christmas are trying times for us. In our minds we are picturing celebrating these joyous days with our children who we have been waiting for. The realization that it's not going to be this year is heartbreaking for most of us. Last year our thought was, "I'll have her this time next year." That thought again is playing through our minds like a broken record. We have to hold onto these little pieces of hope so we can keep our sanity. We have well-meaning relatives and friends asking us the one million dollar question of when the joyous day will occur which is like a knife in our guts. We don't know and we have to remember that they don't get our pain and that they really are well-meaning when they ask these questions (these questions that make us want to poke our eyes out with spoons!). We also go shopping and see children who might resemble our children on Santa's lap or we go into stores and see cute outfits or toys that we want to get for our children. It makes it hurt that much more and the holidays become something that depresses us. I'm tired of being sad and depressed. So, I have to gear up (gird my loins as it was said in The Devil Wears Prada) put on my smilesand take a deep breath and try to focus on something else. I have decided that this Christmas, I am going to do a little retail therapy and focus on my family, friends and my furry baby, Hope. I am going to sing Christmas carols as loud as I can when I'm in my car. I'm decorating my Christmas tree and putting the wreath on my door. I'm going to send out Christmas cards. Finally, I'm going to do a lot of praying for all of us that we will see positive movement in our waiting line and I'm going to pray for patience for all of us. I tell you, I'm singing Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer pretty loud right now and it feels better (my neighbors might not think so) and I've got some Christmas cookies for breakfast and I'm thinking, I'm going to be all right. We all will. We can make it!
BTW...they took the lump from Shannon and it turns out it didn't go into her lymph nodes. That was my Christmas miracle (because they said it was a fast moving, active cancer). So, this leads me to believe that all things are possible and this truly is my cure for my Christmas blues.
I got good news yesterday. It's weird to even say how excited and relieved I am over something like this but yesterday Shannon found out that it's only stage 1 cancer and is only in that one place. It seems that it is only 1.6 cm but it is an active cancer. She will have a lumpectomy next Thursday and they will probably take out some lymph nodes. Radiation for a couple of weeks will follow that and possibly chemo. I can't tell you how relieved I felt yesterday when I heard this news. I am so thankful to God that I don't have the words to express my gratitude. I did go out and get her get well/Christmas present early, Guitar Hero III so she can actually have fun during her recovery time. I just told her not to pop any stitches when in star mode!
The other good news is that the stork landed and people got to see their child's faces for the first time these last couple of days. It means we are one step closer to seeing our children's faces. We will get through this and in the end, this wait will seem like a blink of an eye. I know it's hard and it sucks, but we do know this...We will be next one day soon and we will get our children! Have a great weekend! I plan on it because life seems a little more precious to me!
Today was my sister's 41st birthday but one of my saddest days. One of my closest friends as well as my assistant found out this morning that the lump in her breast was indeed cancer. I'm devestated for her and her family. She just lost her mother in June. I pray that it hasn't spread to other parts of her body. I pray for strength for her and her family to overcome this terrible disease. Before she found out, she told me that she had prayed to God that if it was cancer, that He would give her the strength she would need to overcome it and handle it. I think she knew deep down because she was worried. She's always the strong one who doesn't worry. She's still the strong one. She was comforting her daughter and not vice versa. I am in awe ofher strength. So, what I am going through in waiting for my child is NOTHING as compared to what she is going through. I am going to be strong to help support her and I'm going to pray, pray, pray.
Thanksgiving was a nice, peaceful and relaxing day for me and my family. It was just me, my mom and dad. The food was good, we talked, watched TV and went to see August Rush. It was a day that made me reflect on all of the things that I am thankful for. So, here goes...
I am thankful for
Okay...I could go on and on, but I do have a lot to be thankful for this year. It helps when I can write it down and read it. I don't feel so bummed.
I actually dragged my butt out of bed this morning around 4ish to go to JCPenney's for the annual Black Friday sales. I am hoping this will be my last one for a while, not that I don't enjoy the hunt. I got some good deals. I only spent about an hour there and went back home and crashed. My family came over for leftovers, including my sister and my niece and nephews. We played Amazing Race game, WII and then went and saw Enchanted. Another great day to be thankful for. I'm praying for all of us still...we're thankful that we will have that chance to have a child from China and I'm praying it will come sooner than we all expect.
Today, my mom called me and said that she had a ladybug in her lap. Then my best friend called me later to say that she had one in her car. Double yea! Last but not least, I found a penny heads up on the sidewalk on my daily walk with my dog and mom. Triple luck! Could this be a sign of good things to come? I certainly hope so.
Of course, my luck was briefly marred by my encounter with a yellow jacket in my bathroom. I am telling on myself big time. In fact it's embarassing but funny at the same time. I was in the bathroom, doing what we do in the bathroom, when I felt something on my ponytail. Well, what do you do when this thing keeps bugging you...you swat at it, which led me to realizing that it was a yellow jacket. It gave me a mini sting on my thumb and proceeded park itself on my chones (underwear in spanish) around my ankles. All I could think about was getting stung in personal places and I began to panic. So, when you panic, you try to flick it off your drawers. I thought I was successful and as I was pulling them up, an electric needle prick burned into my upper thigh. A high pitch strangled scream was reverberating off the bathroom walls...I realized it was coming from me. I knocked that yellow jacket to the floor with my magazine and boy did I squish it. I didn't once think about Bee Movie...I had to squish it. I have never shimmied out of my jeans so fast as I sprinted to put some comfrey leaf salve on it. I now have a small red spot that's a bit sore, courtesy of a yellow jacket. I'm sure it'll teach him to bother a person in the bathroom again.
So, here's hoping that the ladybugs bring us all luck! Happy Thanksgiving to all. May you have many blessings!
I just got back from the Spurs game and they were killing the Bucks (poor Bucks...I didn't know they had a player from China). There was this cute little girl and her father sitting behind us (my friend got us seats in a superbox which was SUPER COOL) and it reminded me of when my dad used to take me to the Spurs game when I was little. It was a nice distraction.
Turkey Day aka Thanksgiving is my FAVORITE holiday. I can't wait. I have dreams of turkey, stuffing, rolls, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, and PUMPKIN PIE! My mom is hosting and I'm cooking. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE cooking this meal and I'm so excited that I get to. The sad thing is that my family is split so I probably won't get to see my grandparents (one of my aunt's is taking them to their friend's house) and my uncle is going somewhere else, and my other two aunts, who knows where they'll go (both are unmarried...one lives elsewhere). Frankly, because of all of the drama and things that have been revealed about them (i.e. my aunt putting my grandparents' stuff in storage only to take it out and sell it without permission from my grandparents!...being ugly to each other, etc., etc.) I'd rather they not come and I can share my favorite holiday with my parents, sister, her husband and their three kids and my dog Hope. It just makes it easier. I just hope that next year, which was the same wish I had last year, that my daughter will share my favorite holiday with me next year.
Seventeen months since I have been logged in. Wow! I can't believe it. Here's to a speedup...trying to be positive.
This past weekend, after much, much thought, prayer and discussion with my family, I decided to apply to my agency's waiting child program. This doesn't mean that I will be referred a SN child. It just means that I have allowed this option. This wait had really opened my eyes to the program. I honestly was afraid of dealing with this as a single parent. However, after much consideration, I decided I could. Who knows what will happen. I'll continue the wait for my daughter and I'm going to love and care for her because she is that, my daughter. Honestly, a child who is labeled NSN could have an SN that is not visably apparent. So, we'll see what happens. I honestly haven't a clue.
Can I just say that Disneyland is truly one of the best places to escape? I took my 9 year old niece this past week and we whooped it up like two tween girls. We ate junk, got on rides and laughed, laughed, and laughed. It was a lot of walking, but Space Mountain is so worth it. I was able to escape from my world, into an enchanting world where everything is a bit overpriced, but it's so fun. I discovered that it truly is a small world and that the song is really annoying! We loved Mr. Toad despite the fact he ends up in h-e double hockey sticks (at least that's what we figured...we learned that driving should be done with diligence and caution!) We also found out that the Abominable Snowman is not scary but his sled is one heck of a ride. The wait for Nemo was outrageous so we decided another time to visit with the cute clownfish. It was fun visiting with various Disney characters and seeing the great shows (except The Golden Scream and High School Musical 2, Alex was bummed about them). All I know is that we all need a small break now and then and this was definitely what I needed. I'm so glad my niece thought it was cool to hang with her Aunt Jamie for a few days. I'm glad she's a tough cookie who can withstand getting soaked on Grizzly Rapids and getting a blister on her foot because of the wet socks (I brought dry clothes but not socks, duh!) I'm glad to be home but I can't wait until the next time I can escape to the world of Disney. It is the happiest place on earth.
Time has gone by fast. I can't believe that it has been two years since I started this process. There have been good days and bad days. This past weekend was a rough one for me. I had to go to my cousin's baby welcome home party. I spent Sunday morning in tears. I'm so sad and frustrated that I started my journey way before she did and here she is now, holding her son. I'm still waiting to hold my daughter. I know that sounds petty but that was how I was feeling. Then I started thinking about how big of a baby I'm being and that some of my fellow waiting famiies have been waiting longer and grieving more because of infertility. How selfish am I? So, I got myself together and went. It was hard, but I went. We all have our good days and our bad days. This was my bad weekend. For all of you waiting, my thoughts and prayers are with all of us that we will have the strength and patience we need to make the wait.
The word is that there are no referrals for my agency this round. When I think that it's going to pick up, it downshifts and gets even slower. I guess that's what I get for thinking huh? I am very happy for all of those who did receive their referrals today. They have waited 22 months to hear the magic words "You have a child!" Our day too will come. Let's hope soon.
