Getting ready to mourn...

Today, I was going to write about how I finally finished Grace's 100 wishes quilt (it's uh, well, completed and definitely not perfect.) I also wanted to write about my first day back at work (good and interesting) and I wanted to talk about how we've finally finished the January 2006 LIDs (Yeehaw). However, after hearing my mom's conversation with one of my aunts, I feel compelled to write about my grandather. My grandfather has always been a very strong man in my life. He was a silent aztec warrior. He would quietly tell you things or give you warnings, but he let you make the decisions and accept the consequences (like when I wanted to know how a car cigarette lighter worked and he told me but I didn't believe him and stuck my finger on the hot coil because I truly thought a flame would shoot out like a lighter...burnt my finger but he just looked at me and said, ya didn't believe me did ya?" He and my grandmother went into a nursing home last summer and it was probably the toughest thing for not only him, but for all of us who love him. He's been suffering with a brain tumor and in the past six months he has started changing into a totally different man. It was hard for my parents especially to see him suffering and on Saturday, he was put into the hospital for pneumonia. I think I knew it was coming because I had told my friend earlier that morning that I couldn't go to the river with him and his other friends because my grandfather was sick and that I might be needed. I know in my heart that my grandfather is ready to go. I just can feel it. It's going to be soon. We visited him last night and he wasn't really making any sense. He kept saying he saw a baby and a little boy and that people were waiting and that someone was saying hello in his ear. He doesn't want to eat or take his medicine. Today he told my aunt that he was seeing the light and didn't she see the beautiful woman? I heard that my two younger cousins were so upset and just crying. But you know what? I'm more sad for us than him. I have great faith and I know that he is going to a much better place where he is free to be himself again and be without pain. Death is so much harder for the living than the dead. I know he had been afraid before but now I think he is ready. He will always be with us in spirit and he will be an extra angel watching over my girl in China. You know, he's a pretty tenacious guy. Maybe he can get the CCAA to speed up already. So, if you get a chance, say a little prayer for my grandfather that he may get the peace that he wants and deserves. I love you Popo.

Breaking Dawn

I finished Stephenie's Meyer's last novel in the Twilight series, Breaking Dawn today. I can't decide if I really liked it. I mean, it obviously kept me entertained as I finished the 700 plus page book in two days. I guess it wasn't how I wanted it all to end. And honestly, it went to a place that well, basically it jumped the shark (without giving anything away to anyone who is reading or wants to read it). The first three books, I easily bought into the storyline, but in this one, somehow I found myself not believing as much. I found myself a little irritated with Bella and Edward a lot of the time. I just think the bottom line is that most series never end the way we want and we're a little disappointed. I felt that way about the last Harry Potter book. I did like it though. It just wasn't how I envisioned it ending. It's the same way with Breaking Dawn.

Making Peace with the Wait

I wish I could say that as time keeps creeping by, the wait would get easier. It seems that it's a constant battle of staying optimistic or total panic and depression. Lately, I have been more on the panic side...I was seriously anxious...couldn't sleep...was considering options and peace came to me in all of the weirdest places...at my annual well woman exam appointment. I truly believe that God places people in our lives at the exact right moment to help us in our time of need. My human helper was my brand new doctor. We were having a conversation about what was going on in my life and honestly I can't exactly explain what it was about the conversation, but by the end, I felt okay with the wait again. I wasn't anxious and thinking it wasn't ever going to happen. I actually had hope. Maybe it was that she said she was going to pray for me (I know, people always say that, but there was something about her which made me realize that she was serious). I have heard that the wait will hopefully get better after the beginning of the year and I have to keep that hope alive. I have to pray that my referral for my daughter will come in 2009. I have to have faith. And because of this, I have almost finished Grace's 100 wishes quilt on my own! I have never quilted anything in my entire life. I have pieced it together and now I'm getting ready for the actual quilting. As soon as I finish it, I will post a picture. The next thing I need to work on for her is her life book. It seems that keeping my focus and positive thought of Grace coming home is keeping me sane.

On another note, I am loving the Travel Channel and all of the channels that are showcasing China. I was excited before, but now I really am excited. One of the coolest things I saw was the Pandas at Chengdu as well as Xian itself. That is a place I would love to see. There is going to be something on NBC this week about China as well that I'm going to watch. My friend D, is going to teach Chinese Cinderella (if you haven't read this biography, you have to...it's by Adeline Mah) again to her Advanced English 8th graders. We're going to work together to develop some awesome cultural learning centers. I'm going to use my librarian/information specialist skills to get some great resources.

I wasn't meant to be a painter

I have been LAZY this summer. Not totally, but I could get done a lot more than I have. I swim most every morning and I walk most every evening. I have also been working with my wii fit. I had been putting off painting my new patio cover because well, I live in South Texas and it's hot. I decided this past week to paint it. I had to prime it first and then paint it. When I decided I was going to do this job, I didn't think it would be so hard and not that bad. How wrong I was. I really bit off more than I could chew. I was doing okay until I got to the one side of my patio that has a really big slope. I adjusted the ladder so that my weight would counterbalance the slope. I didn't take into account shifting my own weight on the ladder as I painted. So as I began to paint, I felt the ladder start to sway and move. I am probably on the 4th rung of a 6 foot ladder and I knew that I needed to get down fast. Interestingly enough instead of total panic, I threw down the roller to the ground, grabbed the patio cover and then realized I needed to shift my weight as I went down the rungs. As soon as I got off the ladder, it flipped over and went down the slope. I knew then that I had some serious angels watching over me saying, "Stupid girl, you are so not a painter!" You would have thought that I had learned my lesson, but I am stubborn. I didn't want to be a total quitter on this project so I attempted again on another part that didn't have much of a slope. It got a little too wobbly for my comfort so I quit. I have called in for a professional to finish the job. At least I got over half of it primed. The good thing is I didn't break anything.

Wii fit can work your butt off!

Yesterday, my wii fit that I ordered from Circuit City online came in. Of course, I ripped that bad boy open and jumped on. I learned I am 50ish in my wii age (I'm really 36!) I also learned my balance stinks. I had a hard time knocking off those soccer balls. I was great at the hula hoop. So great that when I woke up this morning, intending to do my usual morning swim, my body was soooo sore. Holy cow! Who knew a wii fit could make you feel like you did one heck of a workout the day before. Anyways, I'm having fun. I'm working hard on getting my blood pressure back down. Before I started the adoption process, my blood pressure was awesome. As the time ticked by, my blood pressure went up, as did my weight. Interestingly enough though, I've been this heavy before but my blood pressure was always good. So, it really freaked me out towards the end of the year when it really began creeping up into a not so great zone. So, this summer I have vowed to be a better eater and to exercise more, hence the swimming most every morning, walking Hope most evenings and now the wii fit. My blood pressure has gone done a lot. I'm still not where I need to be (I'm off by like less than 3 on both sides). I don't want to have to get on medication because my health has been really good. I need to be healthy for my Grace.

I'm also going to be going to the coast in a couple of weeks. I can't wait. My friend D and I are renting a condo for two nights and kicking back and resting at the beach. YEA! I can already hear the waves calling my name. I love reading some great books and just sipping on ice cold water. Ahhhh, life is good.

My Agency Did get Referrals

So, I was wrong about my agency not getting referrals. We had one log in date of January 23rd. Congratulations to all families who get to see their child's face for the first time this week. How exciting. You know, the funny thing about this wait as it goes along is that it feels so very close, but yet so far. It reminds me of this ride they had in Italy (where I spent several years) that I loved. It was basically the ride that had swings hanging down and it would spin. You would go up and there was a rope or something hanging up high on a pole. If you were the one to be able to reach and grab it, you'd win another ride. I was very successful. It must be my freakishly long arms. I had many free rides. Now, I must have t-rex arms because I'm grasping at a lot of nothing. Actually, I can feel the referral looming right in front of me, I just can't grab it. But, I have to say, this ride is not as fun as my childhood ride. But, I'm one step closer to my child as we who are all waiting are. I know it's bittersweet and the amount of days they matched really sucked for all of us. It makes us feel and think that they aren't getting anywhere anytime soon. It's like they are stuck in quicksand. I'm thinking it will probably be like that for a couple of months with the Olympics looming in the next month. I was looking at my agency's list of LID dates and I was noticing that for a while, until the latter part of March, that it took a long time for the dossiers to be logged in. It was like a month from DTC to LID. Then after that, it speeds up and there is about a week in between DTC to LID. So, maybe this is a bottleneck and after they get through those dates, we might see some real progress. I'm still hoping that my wait will be about 36 months (which puts me next May). I can only hope. Hope springs eternal right? Speaking of Hope (my dog), she got her teeth cleaned and microchipped. Poor thing...her mouth is sore and the anesthesia has messed with her. She's still a little loopy and totally tired. In fact, usually she'd be right next to me as I write this, but she's staying downstairs. I think the stairs are too much right now.

I'm getting ready to go down and watch America's Got Talent. There is a little girl on the show who was adopted from China who is an acrobat/contortionist. I want to check it out. Did anybody catch The Bachelorette last night? Okay, didn't see that one happening! I loved both guys but you know, I didn't love her. Jesse was my favorite (and Jason my 2nd favorite). I wanted her to pick Graham or Jeremy. I thought they would suit her better. She came off as spoiled and high maitenance. She was very pouty and sometimes her crying seemed a bit insincere. She may not be that way, but by the end of the show, I didn't care for her at all. Sorry.

Starting back on the swimming

Since my summer school job got scrapped, I realized that I needed to put myself on a schedule or I would just sit around and wallow and become the staypuff marshmellow woman. So, I have started my swimming in the morning at my subdivision's pool. I am getting up at 7:30, then eating breakfast and swimming around 8ish. I'm only swimming for a shorter time right now because holy cow, it can kick your butt. I'm still trying to work on my eating habits. Yesterday, we had our family 4th of July BBQ because my sister is working on the 4th. I made burgers, hot dogs, beans, and ice cream. It was good. We also went to see Wall-E which was an interesting movie. I liked it but it dragged in some parts. I will be BBQing for my parents on Friday just because. It is supposed to rain again today. It rained yesterday, thank God. We have been SO dry here. My lawn is yellow and crunchy and I haven't had to mow it in a while (which I'm glad but the yellow is yucky).

Hope went to the vet the other day. She got her annual visit and didn't pee when she saw Dr. Lord. She has to go back next Tuesday to get her teeth cleaned and to be microchipped. She's kind of confused about why I am around all of the time now. I think I'm invading her turf and her personal time.

Last but not least, rumor is that CCAA won't be going very far again. I think it would mean that my agency won't be getting any referrals again (unless it's expedited which it was last time). It's very disheartening for those of us waiting. I keep hoping and wishing that it's just the Olympics. I am hoping for a speedup. My paperwork (I171H) expires in July 2009. I really don't want to renew not just because it's ridiculously expensive but because we are still waiting and things haven't changed that much from the original to warrant a whole new round of stuff. I think it outrageous that we have to keep paying again and again. Our government should see that we have been waiting and waiting and waiting. We shouldn't have to pay over and over and over and over. It's like a one time fee. They should be like, "Oh, you are still waiting, okay. Let me just extend it again." Yeah, that'll happen, when pigs fly.

Home Sweet Home

Ever been on a vacation and you're much more thankful that you're home? Yeah, that's my case. I'm not saying I had a bad time or anything. It was just long, sometimes stressful and trying. Picture this: 7 of us including my parents, my sister and her 3 children ages 14, 10 and 7 in a minivan, traveling over 600 miles in Arkansas, Louisiana and Mississippi (mostly very small towns) to visit my father's family who we hardly see. Where we went was beautiful and the people were friendly. But, I have learned that I am a total city slicker. It was hard for me not to want to stomp the accelerator hard (Yes, I was the ONLY driver...mom hates driving, dad can't and my mom doesn't trust my sister and the rental car was in my name). People go at a slower pace. I wasn't able to check my e-mail, not that I brought my laptop anyway. There wasn't the places and the foods that I was used to. It was about balancing everybody's wants and needs including a very verbal, stubborn and sometimes pain in the behind 7 year old boy and a mouthy 14 year old teenager who thinks he knows everything. I butted heads with my mother who is very much bossy like me and my sister who I love dearly but is very ADD and flies by the seat of her pants a lot. My dad drove me nuts because this was his trip and he wanted to go back to all these places and see all these people from his childhood/teenage years. I think he was trying to put to rest the ghosts of his traumatic past. The problem was that so much time has passed and people have moved on. He says he's going to do something but he doesn't (like stay in contact with his family and others from his past). It's weird how he HAD to do it now. I loved visiting with my Aunt Lucille in Dermott. I hated dropping in on some complete strangers who lived down the road from where my dad lived briefly with his father and his stepmother and stepsiblings. I loved seeing the historic cotton district in Monroe where my dad lived in a boarding house with his father. I was glad to visit my grandmother's grave in Epps. I also loved seeing my cousin Angelique and her children and her husband. I hated finding out that my summer school position had been cut (as I got the phone call waiting for our hotel room to be3 ready) because they were closing down summer school at the two campuses and consolidating it into one (I have to believe there's a Godly reason but I'm bummed that I won't be getting a sweet bonus this year). But, I hope my father gained some peace and some closure in his life. I hope he can let go of the past and be okay with it. I hope he can realize his horrid growing up years were not his fault. I hope he'll be okay and that he didn't reopen any old battle wounds.

Leaving on a jet plane

First of all, Happy Father's Day to all dads and dads to be. I got my dad a movies gift certificate. This morning, I started the day at Circuit City trying to get a Wii Fit. I was #12 in line. Guess how many Wii fits they had? Only 10! So, needless to say, I didn't get one. I am bound and determined to find one on our trip to visit my dad's family (Pa's Historic Tour as my nephew Brennan calls it). Our flight leaves 10ish but we have to be early at the airport. We'll arrive in Jackson, MS sometime in the afternoon. We come back on Saturday. I just had to drop Hope off at the Pawderosa, which is her doggy daycare place and they have sleepaway camp. I know, it's crazy but it's leash free and she runs around and isn't stuck in a kennel all day. Last time I left her for a week, she had a scratch on her nose, probably from sticking it where it didn't belong. Wish me luck that our family doesn't kill each other. There will be 7 of us including my 14 year old nephew, 10 year old niece and 7 year old nephew. The cool thing is that Rock Band which I have preordered for my Wii, will be in when we get home. I get to play that for a week before I go back to work. My sister will also be having a colonoscopy to see why she's have stomach issues, so I'll be taking her when we get back.

Well, it seems that it was another small batch of referrals. But you know what, it's getting closer to the Olympics. Maybe in October or November the batches will begin to get bigger. We can only hope, right? Being negative does nothing for us but suck the life out of us. This wait sucks but it's making us much more patient and stronger people.

18 Ahead of Me

So, I was looking at the chart of log in dates that my agency sends to us. It looks that if the cutoff is indeed January 22nd, my agency will not be receiving any referrals (our next day is January 23rd). I feel horribly for those who are just right there. They are one day away and I know that they are next but still, waiting that next month has got to be torture. It's like kids (or teachers) in the last couple of weeks, waiting for school to end. It's totally agonizing. I still have 18 referral dates ahead of me (as far as my agency). I read somewhere, probably Rumor Queen, that someone has a jar filled with like hearts and they take out one heart for each day they are closer. I kind of like that. It might be a visual way of seeing that the wait is going forward and that we aren't stuck in neutral, just some very slow moving traffic. People keep asking me lately if the earthquake is going to affect my wait. I haven't a clue. It is very possible. Who knows? What I have learned in this journey that ANYTHING can happen and you just have to hang on. Sometimes I have had to close my eyes and separate myself from this wait to make it this long (like sticking your head in the sand). I think what I hope for now is that I won't have to pay to redo my paperwork again before it expires in July of 2009. My focus now is getting my patio cover painted and summer school. I only have 4 more days of work and then we leave the following Monday for my dad's historical tour (yeah, that is what we're calling our little trip to visit my dad's side of the family).

Last Day of School

I would love to sing "School's Out for the Summer" but I have to go back in July for summer school. It ended yesterday with a food fight breaking out during 7th grade lunch and throwing marinara sauce at my principal. Because I have been injured (I sprained my ankle walking Hope) I stayed in the library and Shannon, myself and my student aides played American Idol Karoke Revolution on my Wii. We had so much fun singing off key except for one of my students who won Wrangler Idol the day before. She sang REALLY well. We then ended the day party hopping. I hadn't done that in a while. I realized when I started yawning at 9ish that I am getting, ummm, well, let's say more mature. My twenty-something colleagues were having a blast and not even worried about getting up early the next day. Yeah, I remember those days. Speaking of getting mature, I realized how much I have gotten "mature" when one of my friends left a message on my answering machine saying, "Hey B**CH! Where the F***k are you?" I was embarassed for this friend as well as offended. Needless to say, I didn't return the call and frankly I didn't care that this person was in town and I hadn't seen this person in a while. Is it really necessary to refer to me as that? Wouldn't, "Hey Jamie! Where are you? I'm in town and I would love for you to come out and meet me and my special friend?" I know it's a lot of words but you did just get your Master's degree? When I listened to the other version on my cell phone voice mail, I realized that my friend had been drinking and wasn't at all as crass in that message. But what this person also doesn't get is that I have grown up and am a responsible person who doesn't hang out at the same places I did when I was in my 20s or drinks until they drop or be in smoky places that makes me sick. Yeah, I guess that happens when you grow up. I love my friend, but I hope this friend can understand this.

You Are What You Read?

For Christmas, "Stevie Wonder" gave me two books because he drew my name. He's my administrator, not my friend, mind you. It's a cool idea giving a librarian a book for a gift, but it's also highly personal. I finally started reading one of those books last night. It was quite interesting. I can't remember the title, but the main character is from Alabama and was apparently quite the busy young thing initiating all young men in her class into the wonderful world of sex as well as killing a guy. I'm only at the beginning so I'm sure there's a lot more to it than the f words that fly from the narrator's mouth. It's really in my mind, the description and language are more stereotypical guy like than female. It was almost macho, which is very much like "Stevie Wonder." As I read, I had the big cartoon eyes where my eyes were bugging out of my head. It is so not my type of book. I then began to think of other books I've received as gifts. Two years ago, I received from a male friend a book that was soooo weird about a guy who through many weird twists and turns ends up having a sexual thing with his male best friend but according to the character, he's not gay. Guess what? The person who gave me this book as it so turns out has been crossing the same line and insisting he, too, is not gay. Hmmmm, a little lightbulb is starting to form...are we reflected in what we read? I love YA lit, fluffy chick lit and romance...YEP...I am a romantic at heart and I can be immature sometimes (kind of Peter Panish but not)...so maybe my theory is true....you are what you read. It's food for thought. So think about what you're reading and what it might say about you...Or not.

How do you stop a dog from barking?

Okay, so here's my dilemma...my beloved dog Hope is now a barking maniac. Well, not so much a maniac, but when she's looking out the window from upstairs or downstairs and sees: another dog, a person or those two little kittens across the street, she goes crazy! I've taken to closing the blinds which only helps some of the time. I guess I need to ask Anna, my vet's wife, who had been working with me and Hope on walking on a leash and not licking people to death. I think the one she really goes nuts for are those kittens. They seem to relish the fact that she's inside and they like to cross the street and stretch out in my driveway just to tease her. Hope has always loved cats. I had Roscoe when I got Hope but he decided to leave because the house wasn't big enough for he and Hope. Maybe her barking is some unresolved issue over Roscoe's departure.

Go see Indiana Jones if you liked the previous triology. My family and I went today and we were all riveted, except for my mom who said he's gotten a bit long in the tooth. Well, duh mom. Harrison Ford is over 60! I still loved it for what it was...a fun, action packed movie with the similar vibe of the previous ones.

Feeling Better

I HATE, HATE, being sick. I am finally getting better. This is the first day I can actually say that I wasn't sneezing all over the place and my poor nose wasn't bright red. I stayed home and was a bum today. I needed it but at the same time, I feel like I've wasted a whole day by staying home, laying around, sleeping, reading and watching TV. But, in the end, I'm doing better. I just hope Shannon didn't get sick. I stayed at work all week because of book fair. We made just enough to make a VERY small cash profit. It really isn't worth all of the work and fuss. But, it is allowing us to buy the drawstring backpacks that we will sell and use the proceeds from that for an author and book club. We really have big plans for our next school year in the library. Hopefully it will be a cancer free school year next year for Shannon.

I'm still trying to decide if I am going to apply again for special needs. I hope to figure this out by the time school is out. Of course, I will have just a few weeks off because we're visiting my dad's family and I am working summer school in July. I just found out that the teachers get paid more money (like $50 a day) and plus the co-teaching and all that jazz I am expected to do, I also have administrative duties like bus duty, cafeteria duty and walk throughs. Geez louise. Oh well, it's money for my daughter and I don't have to deal with other librarians messing with my library.

Fighting the bug and American Idol

Okay, so here I am watching the finals of American Idol. I REALLY am NOT a fan of David Archuleta. I mean, seriously, I don't think I would want to hear his album on the radio (you heard his version of Chris Brown? one word...Awkward). He's got a great voice but it is so Broadway. He also annoys me because he's like, a little girl with his, "Oh my goodness, you really like me," kind of attitude. It might be genuine but it is so exaggerated that it seems fake. I wish him luck no matter what happens. He is only 17 years old. But, the bottom line for me is that I absolutely love David Cook because I would love to hear his voice and his songs on the radio. Oh well. It's probably best he lose because history has shown that losers do better (i.e. Chris Daughtery). Okay, enough idol chat!

I am getting sick. I can feel it and I'm trying really hard to ignore it. It's like the beginning of the last time I got really sick that I had walking pneumonia. I am taking garlic, vitamin C, and other stuff. I can't get sick. We're in the middle of book fair (yuck!) and it's going to be crazy busy tomorrow.

I can't believe that next week will be 24 months waiting for Grace. Wow, 2 years. I should have some sort of party. Right now, things are so busy that I don't have time to even think about it. It's going to be another busy summer. That'll be good. Tomorrow is Wednesday and it's one day closer to the weekend. Hip, hip, hooray!

Just Beachy

I am so glad that I was able to get out of town this weekend and go to the beach (Port A). It was so rejuvenating. I went with my friend D and we stayed at Island Retreat which is on the beach. It was so nice. I stayed on the beach from 10 until 4 reading two books! It was what I needed before I start book fair this week. I hate book fair but we need the money so we can buy the backpacks that we are going to sell at sixth grade orientation which will be our main fundraiser so we can get an author. I can't believe the school year is almost over. We'll be taking our trip to visit my dad's family in about a month. My sister is dubbing it the Tour of the Dollar Generals because the last time we went, that's what we mainly saw. I'll be glad to see my Aunt Lucille. She is a character. She added a lovely phrase to my vocabulary, "wompus kitten." I love it.

I think I have decided to reapply for special needs program. I don't know though. I figure it'll happen when it's supposed to happen. I don't know how the Earthquake will also affect the time frame. All I know is that I'm very sad for both China and Mynamar to have suffered great losses. I'm keeping both of these places in my prayers.

Pinched Nerves, Mother's Day & Earthquakes

I have had a pinched nerve for the past week in my neck. It's actually caused my thumb on my right hand to be tingly feeling. I saw the PA on Friday who gave me muscle relaxers so this weekend and today, I've been one mellow girl. I really needed to today because we (Shannon and myself) got the "honor" of checking in textbooks and I had to deal with my favorite administrator, Stevie Wonder (I've nicknamed him this because he's blind to everything...Shannon and I have nicknames for all the administrative team). Anyways, the medicine is helping which is a good thing.

I can't believe yesterday was another Mother's Day that I didn't physically have my Grace. I hope to have her here next Mother's Day. You know, I wasn't sad or bummed this year. Maybe it's because I've somehow accepted the wait. I know when the time is right, she'll be here. I'm content right now to be Hope's doggie mama, even though she has been Miss Bark at Everything lately

Lastly, I am sending my prayers to all those in the area where the earthquake hit. I know that some of our children may come from the Sichuan and Chonqing provinces. How scary for them. I read that some schools have collapsed and many children have been buried alive in a sense. This is so horrible! My agency is putting together a special fund because some of the orphanages that we get referrals from have been affected. So, let's all say a little prayer for all of those people for strength, help and healing.

Doncha just hate it when...

I slept weird on my neck Sunday and had a bit of a crick when I woke up. Part of it was my dog stretching across the bottom of my bed and I think subconsciously I didn't want to kick her. Anyways, the next night I was having stressful nightmares over the reading tournament that I was starting the next day so the stress came out in my neck and I ended up with a pinched nerve that causes pains to shoot down my shoulder and into my arm. I was hoping it would go away but it hasn't. I'm not stressing anymore about my Clash of the Titles tournament. I only have the final round tomorrow during 8th period and it went much more smoothly than I expected. Maybe it'll go away tonight. I have those heating things on my neck and every 6 hours I'm taking motrin. On the bright side I still have neck mobility.

I got my hair cut and colored today. I love what Jennifer does to my hair. It's almost like a blondish joan jett or the chick from Paramour. At least, that's what I've been told.

I can't wait until the weekend. My parents come home from their trip to Canada. They are having such a wonderful time and my dad says that I would totally love the bread. That is a place I really would love to go to. I hear it's beautiful and I do love my Degrassi on the N (yes, I'm such a wannabe tween/teen in some of my TV taste).

American Idol comes on tonight. I hope it's Jason Castro who will go. I so love David Cook. He rocks! Yep, I'm still a reality TV junkie but, I have cut out quite a bit.

Viva Fiesta or Not!

Saturday, my best friend, Sandra, her hubby and daughter Holly and I went to the King William Fair. I have three words: hot and crowded. I got a major sunburn on my chest and poor Holly looked like she was about to melt. I spent most of my money buying large glasses of sweet tea. You know, there is something about us Southerners and our sweet tea and lemonade. You cannot get enough. It was some good people watching though. I knew San Antonio was an eclectic city but boy, you don't realize it until Fiesta week. Korn's song, "Freak on a Leash" is very appropriate during various fiesta activities when people come out showing their more interesting sides. I have never seen so many piercings, liberty spikes, various hair colors, tats and alternative lifestyles. It was fascinating. If I was an artist, I would love to have captured it on a canvas or it would have been a cool black and white photograph with the variety of people at the fair. Last year, I marched in it with my cool guys reading group. This year, I didn't get up in time to go to the parade. I did get my Pioneer chocolate chip cookies and my favorite gordita. YUM! Sandra told me that to remind her of the heat and crowds next year when she begs to go again. I hope that I'll have my daughter by then and we'll find other things to do than be herded cattle in the fiesta stampede.

The other thing I have been contemplating is whether or not I should say something in one of my yahoo groups. It seems that the wait has hurt all of us and has made us all sensitive (well duh, it sucks!). Peoples feelings are getting hurt and I think what sucks is that when we write something, our tone can't be heard. Sometimes words sound more cutting and mean than they were intended and/or people are reading other things/meanings into things. I have also heard that some members of this group have e-mailed others with children saying nasty things, which is not cool. The bottom line is that the wait sucks. I understand the envy/jealousy of people getting a SN referral before we/me getting one, but we also aren't in their shoes. We don't know what other things they are going to have to deal with. It's like being the single girl who gets upset with her friend for getting married because she wants to be married too. I totally get this last comparison, because I am a single girl and most of my friends are married. At one point, I was very envious of my girlfriends getting married but I know I haven't met my Mr. Right...just like my Miss Right Child isn't ready to come into my life right now. I have to be patient and accepting. I have to have faith because it's the only thing that can get me through this wait. I have no control so as Carrie Underwood would say, "Jesus, take the wheel..."

I should have known...

I should have known that when the cargo pocket snagged on the computer cart and ripped a 12" rip in my pants that it wasn't going to be the best day. I almost had an accident going home to change my pants. When I went back to school, the AC was out so it was hot and humid and we were doing inventory (scanning over 13,000 volumes). Then the reports that we needed to run wouldn't run and the person in charge was out and about so I had to wait about an hour before finding out if I had to rescan all 13,000 volumes we had done in the past 2 days. The good thing was that we didn't have to. We kicked up so much dust and found more mold which resulted in a huge headache which I still have. I guess the positive thing in this whole thing is that our missing list wasn't very long. YEA!

Tomorrow we (me and D) go to NIOSA. YEA! I am so going to eat Cowboy Klops and wontons and churros. I remember when I was younger, I could stay the whole time and the crowds wouldn't bother me. Not anymore. I like leaving when it gets crowded. Happy Fiesta.

Farewell to D's Grandma

One of my good friend's grandmother passed suddenly yesterday afternoon. It was unexpected. She had been on the mend. Her daughter who lives in California was in town for a school reunion and had visited earlier in the day and she was fine. My friend says she hasn't cried yet and feels like her grandmother isn't dead. She also feels guilty because she told her grandmother she'd visit her last week but she had a crazy week and din't make it. She is a great granddaughter and is always visiting her grandmother. So, Thursday is the rosary and I'll be there to support her. I know her grandmother is no longer in pain and is with Gramps. This whole thing made me think about my grandparents. We visited them this weekend and both weren't doing well. My Granny wouldn't wake up and when she did, it was to tell me to take her shoes off because her feet were hurting. My Popo was incredibly weak and he looked so frustrated. My Granny is getting her battery replaced on her pacemaker tomorrow. I hope everything goes well. I just don't want my grandparents in pain or suffering. I feel bad that they are stuck in a nursing home because they can't care for themselves and they are stuck in non-working bodies.

On a brighter note, did anyone see American Idol? I LOVE David Cook. He rocks.

Planting! Roots! National Library Week

This morning, I helped my parents plant a mountain laurel and a hibiscus in their yard. Then we came to my hard and I planted a mountain laurel in my backyard. I'm very leery of leaving Hope alone in the backyard with the new plant. She has dug things up in the past and I wouldn't put it past her to do it again. She's on chaperoned backyard visits.

I am also going to get a patio cover put in. Because my house is newer, I hardly have any big trees in my backyard and in this South Texas sun, it can be brutal sometimes. So, I'm getting one put in so I can sit out back and I'm going to have a ceiling fan installed. As soon as it's done, I'll take pictures and post them. I'm also going to get a new front door. I have solar screens on my house so it isn't really super bright inside. So, I want to get another door that'll let light in. I saw some at the Home Depot that I liked and I think I'm going to get one.

Monday starts library week. I have so much planned for my library. I have contests for both my staff and students. On Friday, I'll have a cake for people to munch on. Usually, I have TLA convention but it's in Dallas this year and I didn't feel like driving the 4 to 5 hours up there this year. Besides, Shannon comes back tomorrow. YEA! My student aides and I have been missing her very much. They had it on their calendars. I was thinking I probably should be thinking, "What am I? Chopped liver?" But Ja'Lesa put it to me this way, "I like you, but it's just that I see you every day and I haven't seen HER in forever. If you were gone a long time, I'd probably miss you too." Thanks alot. Probably. Oh well. It's middle school.

My best friend rocks!

My best friend Sandra and I finally got to celebrate my birthday this weekend. We (her hubby, her beautiful baby Holly and I) went to dinner. We ordered a bottle of wine and she gave me the coolest pair of shoes. It's funny how well she knows me and what I like. I get her things like a bread warmer or luggage (that's what she wanted) and she gets me cool clothes and jewelry. Of course, when we go to dinner, exciting things happen such as a guy two tables over having a seizure at the fire dept's EMS came and took the man to the hospital. Now that I think about it, it has been kind of drama lately in my life. A person I know was put on administrative leave and nobody knows why. You just get that leaky tire sound and the shaking of the head when you mention that persons name to the people in charge. Then a student threw a letter on my desk that said that they didn't want to live in their pain anymore and so I had to run after the student and take them to the nurse. On top of all of that, I overspent my magazine budget unintentionally. The bookkeeper told me the wrong amount in that account at the beginning of the year so I had to go to my principal to bail me out. I was so embarassed. I'm really a good money manager. She already thinks I'm a little ditzy because I am so not like the librarian from the school she came from. Heck, I'm not like most librarians. I love what I do and am exuberent about it. There's nothing wrong with that and my kids like to come in, visit with me and get a book. I think that's more important than being the stereotypical librarian.

My arms are super sore from wrangling the weed eater this weekend. It's time again to start yard work. I am not a big fan of the lawn mower but it's a heck of a lot cheaper to do it yourself. Tomorrow is the beginning of another week and another TAKS test. I'm crossing my finger and saying a prayer for my 8th graders who have to pass it.

All is Well

The worst part of having tests done to someone you love is the waiting. My dad's appointment was for 10 a.m. He didn't have the test until 2:00 p.m. Once they got rolling, it was only an hour and a half later, an angioplasty with a stint, that my dad was in his room to recover overnight. It turns out he had 3 blockages: 2 100% blockages and 1 80% blockage. The 80% was a major one so they did the stint on that one. He's doing very well. I did the Race for the Cure this morning and my mom brought my dad home. He said he's just a bit sore and can't bend over to tie his shoes because it hurts. Other than that, he's doing great. I'm so glad. I think I'm feeling worse than he is after that early morning 5K walk this morning. My whole body aches. I think that's a sign for me to get a little more exercise than my strolls with mom and Hope in the afternoon.

Dad's heart test

I should be at work right now but I have taken the day off. I am taking my dad to his heart test at the heart hospital today. It's where they go in through the groin and go up into the heart. Hopefully, everything will turn out to where he doesn't have have any other procedures done except the test. He's a bit nervous and I can't say that I blame him. So, say a little prayer that everything goes all right.

On a brighter note, Sunday is my 36th birthday. It's so weird to think that I am in my later 30s, going towards 40, which isn't a bad thing. It just seems that I was 20 something a blink of an eye. I love my 30s because I definitely haven't made the boneheaded mistakes I made in my 20s...yeah one word: Kyle. I had to get my driver's license renewed at the actual DMV and I begged them to keep the old picture but it seems I can't be 27 forever. My birthday wish is that I get Grace before I turn 37. OH WAIT! Am I supposed to be revealing my birthday wish? Is it a jinx that I just said it aloud? Oh well! The truth of the matter is that I will be getting my daughter sometime in the not too distance future. That's a great present.

Easter, Mom's Birthday and Chicago

Today was not only Easter but my mom's birthday. I bar b qued some burgers and hot dogs and we all hung out. It was a nice day and I think my mom had a nice day.

I LOVED Chicago, up until Thursday at the airport. My favorite part of the trip was seeing Wicked. It is now my favorite musical. We almost won front row tickets for $25.00 but they only had one seat and I had to turn them down because I needed two seats. The food was great (Tempo breakfasts rocked!) as was the Art Institute. My favorite section of that museum was the impressionists. My friend, D was cracking me up because she was playing the cloud game while she looked at these paintings. She saw a hot dog and a lucha librador's (a mexican wrestler's) mask on a bridge in a Monet painting. The Navy Pier was also cool. It has a stained glass museum. Our phrase of the trip came from a little girl telling a little boy, "That's not Jesus! That's a woman!" as they looked at a stained glass window. We loved the cool weather coming in from 90 degrees the day before in Texas. We also loved riding on the El. We didn't get to do a whole heap since we were only there a few days but I want to go back. So, what did I hate about Chicago? O'Hare airport. First of all, I lost my earring there (one of the ones I made...I was so proud that I made a necklace, bracelet and earrings in beading class that previous weekend). I think I am the only person who was way early for a flight and still missed her plane. We got there early and we weren't told that flights often move gates. So....long story short...you can probably guess what happened...they moved our flight, didn't make an announcement and we missed our flight because we were sitting at the gate that was listed on our boarding pass. We had to fly on stand by and the next flight was 5 hours later. Not a great day. You know that song by Van Halen, "Jamie's Crying", yep that was me. At least I got caught up with my reading (Fallen Angels by Walter Dean Myers) for my Cool Guys Read book club and another chick lit book (something about a non-blonde cheerleader) for my 8th grade girls book club.

I am glad to be home. Tomorrow, back to the library grind. It's our day to get fingerprinted. Oh joy!

One more week until Spring Break

I have been getting ready for my trip to Chicago next week. I realized that being a Southern Texas girl, I'm probably going to freeze my booty off (which might be a good thing since I have gained some weight in this LONG wait). I love lists because it keeps me on task so I have made a list of things that I need to pack and I hope I bring enough warm things. I have to take Hope next Sunday to the Pawderosa (yes, that's what it's called...it's doggy daycare and boarding) for her mini vacation from me. Now I need to make a list of the places we want to go.

The Waiting Child program has changed again in my agency. I wish they would make up their mind on how they are going to handle it. It's frustrating because it's constantly changing and I don't think they have told their clients exactly why it's being changed and how it's going to work now. It still frustrates me that people who aren't clients of my agency might apply and receive a special need referral before someone who has been waiting a long time. I know there isn't a perfect way of matching in this program. I just wish that they would at least show the profiles of the children. I am at the point where I am probably going to wait for apply again because I am going to be working summer school this year and if the price of the donation fee is going to increase, I'm going to need the extra time to have EVERYTHING and a little more (you know that little extra padding so I don't totally wipe out my savings account).

Last but not least while I'm venting, I have to vent about a mother of one of our students. It has been discovered that this child (less than 14 years old) is pregnant and guess what? Her mom is EXCITED about becoming a grandmother. Mind you, financially, they are strapped....on government assistance. She's glad that her less than 14 year old daughter is pregnant! I don't understand! She's a BABY having a BABY! I'm glad the baby isn't being aborted, but what about adoption? Are they setting this child up for the same thing, the same vicious cycle of babies having babies? I know so many couples who can't have children who would die to adopt this child (as well as many singles, including myself) and would offer the baby so many more opportunities. I am sure it's devestating to give up a child and I know I shouldn't judge, but I feel she is being incredibly selfish. I just had to vent my frustrations about this. I'm sad for all the parties involved. The father is the same age (actually maybe 14) and I like him but he's been kicked out of school because of drugs and other things. I guess I am going to save a prayer for them that everything will be okay.

Torture All Kids Slowly (better known as TAKS)

My 10 year old niece, Alex, has informed me that TAKS (Texas Assessment of Knowledge & Skills) is really Torture All Kids Slowly. You know, after what I've seen and have had to do in the last five years, I would have to agree with her. It makes me sad that 3rd graders are getting sick because they're stressing over a TEST! My niece was a bit freaked out because she was getting 2s on her practice writing samples. We had kids coming to school sick and barfing during the test because this test is so important. I had to cover all of my posters in my library because heaven forbid they are inspired by a poster of a Dewey Decimal sign or a picture of a monkey or a poster of Coolio reading. Seriously, I had better things to do with my time than cover my walls with green paper (that I think is a serious waste of paper as well). You have to cross you t's and then quadruple check that you did and make sure everybody else does as well. It's crazy. I'm glad the first one is over but there are at least 5 more of these days to come. May the force be with all Texas public school students.

Congrats to all families who got their referral. It looks like the babies in this batch were very young. All I know is that a part of me is glad that I am able to save a little more especially since I've seen the rumor that a couple of provinces are increasing their donation fees! YIKES!

Laments and Ladybugs

Last week was one of the craziest weeks I have ever had. I realized how much I have come to depend on Shannon. When I first became a librarian, my assistant wasn't the best. I pretty much did everything by myself. The second year, they took away our assistants at middle school and again, I was on my own AND I also coached basketball, volleyball and track. I had no problems do everything on my own. The third year, we got our assistants back and Shannon came to work with me. I was able to give up many of my jobs to her to make the library run more smoothly and efficiently. Now, stupid cancer, has put a big ol road block in the smoothness. Shannon got sick this week and was out for several days. I knew it was going to happen. We had to do TAKS training and this teacher, who I know wasn't thinking, but I can't help but be upset with her, sat down next to Shannon. This teacher is ALWAYS sick, coughing and sneezing. And guess what, she sneezed but really didn't cover her face, but turned away, and of course, several hours later, Shannon was sick as a dog. Seriously folks, if you are sick, don't sit next to the bald woman going through chemo-therapy. She's already sick, don't add more stuff to her. I don't know who I was frustrated with more...Shannon for not wearing a mask and sitting by everybody or Sneezy teacher. It was a crazy week in which I had to juggle two classes a day by myself (no assistant), a retirement party, and broken tvs, overheads, and crazy computers. I was frustrated and honestly was a bit angry at the whole situation. I wanted to blame someone, but nobody deserves the blame.

On a brighter note, my parents bought me a mountain laurel. On its leaves was guess what... a ladybug. Referrals should be coming soon. I'm very excited to see all of the babies. It makes me very happy. I think after this referral batch, there are only 19 LID dates for my agency that are ahead of me. That's not too shabby.

This week is TAKS week. Rumor has it that TEA will be making a stop at our school (AGAIN...our special ed got audited this past week and it went well). I hate testing. I hope by the time my daughter starts school TAKS will be done. I can only wish.

Weekend Wrap Up & # 21

Today is my 21st month anniversary of waiting for my daughter. I'm still hopeful that referrals for May will arrive sometime this year. I hope. The good thing is that I am saving a nice little nest egg for my trip. I will be working summer school because my school is hosting it and frankly, I don't want another librarian messing with my library that I have worked hard to get it the way I want it (sounds a little possessive, I know). I will also be taking my parents to Arkansas and Louisiana to visit his family. I am looking forward to visiting with my cousin Angelique, her kiddos and my great Aunt Lucille. She is the great soul who introduced into my vocabulary the term, "wompus kitten." I will be sad though as my great Uncle Frank (my Aunt Lucille's husband) passed a couple of weeks ago. I had been looking forward to his great Southern cooking. He could make anything taste FAB-U-LOUS!

My best friend celebrated her 35th birthday this Friday. I went to dinner with her, her husband and daughter and their friends. Her daughter, Holly is the sweetest baby ever. She was making funny faces and throwing her head back and just laughing and laughing. She knew she had us all in the palm of her hand. I wanted to hold her, but I was hesitant because I didn't want to grab her away from anybody so I just played peek-a-boo from my seat at the table.

Three weeks from tomorrow I leave for Chicago. Yippee! I am so excited.

Today

Beautiful and Bald

This week, Shannon's hair started coming out in clumps. She was fixing her hair and it was coming out. The cool thing about Shannon is her strength and her sense of humor in her battle against cancer. She kinda freaked out some kids (kids we knew who could laugh about it) who came into the library by grabbing chunks out and telling them they were making her pull her hair out. She decided to shave her head. Her daughter came home and they styled her hair in a mohawk and devil horns. They took pictures. Now she is beautiful and bald. I tel her she's lucky that she didn't have a lumpy head. It's been interesting to see the kids expressions. Some came up to her to ask her why and others came to me. The funniest question I got was, "Did she lose a bet?" Shannon and I were howling over that one. I know a lot of people think we might be crass and mean or maybe insensitive about how we laugh about these things, but we've learned that one of the best ways of healing is having a sense of humor. We've decided that the reason I haven't gotten Grace is that Shannon is supposed to have hair so she won't scare my daughter with her beautiful, bald head. I know this sounds so lame but Shannon seriously is my hero. She is beautiful strength under tremendous pressure.

Enter the Rat

Happy Chinese New Years Day to All! It's my year...the year of the rat. Let it be prosperous and lucky for all of us waiting for our children in China.

I hate being sick!

Saturday, I started feeling a little more off than usual. I went with my parents to visit my grandparents in the nursing home. By the time I got home a couple of hours later, I knew something was up. By Sunday morning, I was feeling like I had an elephant sitting on my chest and I had a fever of 102. I had a feeling that I had bronchitis. Sure enough, that's what I have. I went to the doctor yesterday and she gave me a z pack. I was told to stay home Monday and Tuesday. I felt like I've been runover by an 18 wheeler but I think I'm on the road to recovery. I sound like the bad guy from an 80s cartoon when I talk. I am feeling a little peppier this afternoon. Poor Hope is missing her walks and is going stir crazy. Oh well. She'll get over it.

On a brighter note, the referrals came in. I'm so happy for all the parents who saw their children's faces for the very first time. Congratulations

Big Day for Shannon tomorrow

Tomorrow is Shannon's first day of chemo. She will have to have it every 21 days for 12 weeks. I'm really nervous for her. I don't think I would be able to sleep. I know lots of people have had to have this treatment but this is the first time someone very close to me is facing chemo. She's taken it like a trooper and has the best attitude about it. We went looking for wigs yesterday and she found one that looked very natural on her. We started laughing because one of them made her look like that guy from the old imperial margarine commercials that blew that trumpet thing (you know the floppy pageboy cut!). I wish I had my camera because it would have kept us laughing to look at the picture. I think that's what helps the both of us is because we are always silly and always laughing. She found this shirt on Cafe Press that said "Save Second Base" and it had a base with the pink ribbon (for those of you who don't know what second base means it's a term that means feeling a person up when making out). I think I may get it for her. So, I'm saying my prayers for her that it won't be horrible and that she won't feel like she has been run over by an 18 wheeler.

On a brighter note, I was checking the RQ site and the rumor is that they will be getting to Dec 27th. That would be awesome and give us all a little something to hold onto. Hope does spring eternal.

Proud Doggy Mama and Ladybug Sighting

I am doing so proud of my dog, Hope. We are working on walking well on a leash. Hope is used to walking me so now we're unlearning that. She is doing so well. Each day it gets better.

I also saw two ladybugs yesterday. One has decided to take up residence in my downstairs bathroom. Referrals must be coming soon. Let's pray for a miracle and they finish December 05.

The Dog Whisperer

Today, I am taking back leadership of the pack from my dog Hope with the help of my own dog whisperer, Anna. She's my vet's wife and can I just say that she rocks! I decided that even though Hope went through Puppy Kinder, she really needs better manners before Grace comes home so today is the first day of the rest of her life. We are working on not bombarding people when they come over by licking and jumping on them as well as walking behind me instead of in front of me. Hope and I learned quite a bit but we both realized that it's going to take time and patience to fix two years of letting Hope be the leader of the pack. So, wish us both good luck and patience with each other. I have to say though, she's one smart doggie.

Middle School Angst

I think I hated middle school when I was a middle schooler. However, I love working in a middle school (I know, I'm sick!). There is so much more drama than any soap opera. I like to call my school, The Young and Some Breastless (The Young and the Restless would work too!). Case in point...the PE coach comes to me saying that there's a young girl who won't stop crying and has asked for me. "Me?" I thought to myself. I looked over and saw one of my library aides who is extremely shy, painfully and awkwardly shy. I was really surprised that she wanted to talk to me because I made her cry her first day by explaining what sorts of things she'll be responsible for in the library. She tells me that her crush's little sister (and the crush is also one of my student aides during the same class period as my shy library aide) told him she liked him and he apparently didn't reciprocate the feelings (actually he didn't react because honestly, he's not at the point where the girls are the focus). She was devestated and humiliated and sick to her stomach to come to my class (library aide) where she will have to face him. So, I told her that I thought her crush just wasn't interested in her but girls right now in general. I also told her how I understood being totally humiliated and I related my middle school story of a cute 8th grader that I liked as a 7th grader and when my friends said something to him, I was soooo embarassed. I would almost throw up before PE because we had that same class. I told her that I did get over it eventually and found another cute boy to like. I also said that now that I look back at it, he really wasn't all that cute and looked more like Ronald McDonald so it was a good thing it didn't work out back then. I don't know if this was sage advice. All I know is that instead of coming to the library to be an aide, I've sent her to the counseling office until she can face him. I may never get her back as an aide. Oh well, I guess all is fair in love and war. I just felt so bad for her.

20

Yep, month #20, enough said.

Got My Renewal Today

It's offiicial...I have another 18 months approval from USCIS...that gives me until July of 2009. Let's pray that I don't have to renew again.

Cleopatra...Queen of DeNile!

Yeah, that's me...call me Cleopatra. I just got my hair done and well, I have a Cleopatra hairdo. So, now, I can live in Denial and be happy. I actually like it...the color is great but I haven't had bangs in a long time. I was going for Catherine Bell's hair in that Hallmark movie, "The Good Witch" but I got the Egyptian Queen.

Today we found out that Shannon will indeed be having chemotherapy. It was higher on the test than her oncologist expected. She has a 20% chance of recurrance right now but it will be reduced to 10% after chemo. She will have to go 4 times (every 3 weeks for 12 weeks), followed by radiation and hormone therapy. Once she starts chemo, we're both going to start eating healthy. She already cut her hair last week (and it looks super cute) in preparation for chemo.

Only 3 more days to go this week. The weather here is getting yucky. The good thing is that I am meeting with my 6th/7th grade book club and we're drinking hot cocoa while we discuss Everlost by Neal Shusterman.

Dateline NBC

I don't know if anybody saw tonight's episode of Dateline NBC which covered International Adoption in Guatemala. I knew as soon as the show started, I would start getting calls and sure enough I did. It made me sad seeing the pain on the parents' faces when they were unable to bring home their children. Some of these children were stolen from their parents. It also broke my heart to see how it affected the children. My friend, D and I talked at length about adoption and we pondered whether this went on in domestic adoption. I don't know if any country is immune from corruption...which makes it even worse because the lives of innocent children were involved. We talked about how some parents who used the same broker guy to find their child would feel if they were watching that program and saw him and found out the possibility that their child may have been stolen. How scary and horrible. She asked me what I would do if I were in that situation and I was torn. That was my child, but I owed it to her to find out the truth. She brought up the idea of life being better with me than in poverty over there, but I was still torn. It's almost like that story from the Old Testament when the two women were fighting over the son each saying he was hers and then the real mother letting go when the compromise was cutting him in half. I just hope I don't ever have to cross that particular bridge. I have to say though, I was glad they were talking about Guatemalan adoption rather than China adoption. We've already had enough bad press lately. I am praying for all those parents who are stuck in limbo in their Guatemalan adoptions. May they bring their children home soon.

On a brighter note...YEA to TK and Rachel who won the Amazing Race (my fave reality show). Actually, I loved all 3 teams left and my favorite player was Christina. But, I'm glad that TK and Rachel won.

I also have to post a couple of pictures from my niece's birthday last weekend. My youngest nephew Brennan did a lot of the picture taking and he was shooting some interesting pictures like his webkins in different poses and places around my parents' house.

A Wrap Up of the Week

It has been on interesting week. We were busier than a one legged man in a kicking contest in the library. I absolutely loved it because the days went by super fast. I made myself laugh when one of my students asked me if I had fifty cents and I said, "I'm sorry sweetie, but I'm broke right now." He gave me this weird look and I realized he wanted the book on the rapper 50 Cent! We both laughed when I went to look for the book for him. I'm glad it had just been returned.

The waiting list came out this week. Unfortunately for me, I didn't see a good match for me. But there will be more and I will continue to wait and be patient.

Shannon cut her hair short to prepare for chemo. We still don't know how much yet. They are waiting for test results. Speaking of test results, I think I am going to give my dog, Hope a DNA test that they've developed. She's my rescue pup and my furry baby right now. I think it would be interesting to see what kinds of breeds she has in her. I also think it might help to know what health issues she might have later on down the line. I'm noticing now that she's having some rear leg/hip issues. Sometimes she just plops herself down in the middle of our walk because it bothers her so much.

Last night, I went to this great jazz club called Luna and this band from Austin, Torch performed. They totally rocked (in a jazz way). I loved the girl's voice. It was almost Norah Jones/Eartha Kittish...I am going to post the link to their myspace page in my links. We went to eat before and because it was so mellow, I started feeling VERY sleepy. I had a great time even though it was nasty weather which has now lead to me feeling a little yucky with a scratchy throat and hardly a voice. OH WELL.

Happiness is...

I watched Friday's 20/20 episode of how to be happy and places where people are happy and I found what I got to see extremely fascinating. I realized that I'm probably one of those annoying people because I tend to be pretty happy go lucky and I'm always laughing. I can find most anything humorous and I'm usually laughing at myself. I am a goofball. My students will tell you that you can hear me laughing down the hall. So, I am planning on working on laughing and not focusing on the wait. I'm going to go to more funny movies.

So, right now, my happiness that I'm focusing on is that the bone scan and organ scan of my assistant Shannon revealed that her cancer hadn't spread. We should find out this week what kind of treatment she will be having. She's accepted that she's probably going to have to have chemo. She's going to cut her head shorter this week. She said her greatest fear is that she's going to have a lumpy bald head! That's my friend Shannon!

100th Post & TGIF

Can't believe this is my 100th post. Can't believe I'm still waiting for my daughter, but I am even though it has been 19 months and 2 weeks. I decided to call my agency this week to get some clarity on some things. I had to call twice and I finally got a call back today. Can I just tell you that talking to an actual live person makes it so much better? I think I had had it up to my eyeballs with those "lovely" impersonal group e-mails I get every couple of weeks. When I read those e-mails, this is how I interpreted it: yadda, yadda, yadda...it's almost like Charlie Brown's teacher, "wha, wha, wha, wha!". I wish that they would understand that we need to hear their voices, not just get their e-mails to help us out during this wait. A little check in of, "Hey Jamie, it's me so and so from your agency. How are you doing? Are you hanging in there? I want to assure you that this wait will be worth it. I think it will get better." It's that sort of personalization that we need. I have learned though in this process that you cannot totally count on something that had been predictable in the past. Nothing in life is guaranteed.

I'm still being hopeful that this is our year to get our children. It's my year, the year of the rat. I know in the end the wait will pay off when we have our kiddos. I will not give up.

Gonna Breeze Into the Windy City for Spring Break

My friend, D. and I are going to go to Chicago for a few days during Spring Break. I'm so excited because neither of us have been. It'll be an adventure. It'll be good to get out of town and have something to look forward to. I'm looking forward to the great museums (I'm a librarian...go figure!) and the shopping...oh and the food! Mike and Ed, two of our guy friends were making fun of us for being spring break nerds! They said we should go to Cancun or Vegas...yeah, don't think so. Actually we went to Vegas last Spring Break but wanted to do something different this year. So, Chicago, here we come.

On a a not so bright note, I was reading on RQ about the letter the Joint Council wants to send and yadda, yadda, yadda. The information really didn't bother me. What alarms me is the panic I read in people's responses. People are upset and stressed and rightly so. Ususally when I read the responses, I start a mini freak out myself, but this time, I'm okay. The wait sucks...I think we can all agree with this. What sucks even worse is that the word out on the street isn't consistent across the board (people are being told different things by their agencies) and even worse than that, the information is scarce and vague. I really don't know the solution to this problem. Panic is not a sane solution. It only depresses me. So, I can only take a deep breath, take it a day at a time, and have great faith that I will be getting my daughter from China. That's all I can do.

Back to School

I just realized that tomorrow, I go back to work! How come that when you are on vacation for two weeks, it goes by soooo fast and when you are actually working for two weeks, it seems like it crawls? Actually, I really do love my job. I have the best gig on campus as a school librarian. I have to finish up Tears of a Tiger by tomorrow because one of my teachers wants to teach it in the spring and in order to do so, I have to sign off on the form. It's a fast read and very good. It's about the consequences of teen drinking and driving. I wanted to read more during this break, but I got a lot lazy! I got two books from my assistant principal for Christmas that look good, but somehow I got hooked on various shows on TV. So, even though the CCAA didn't get very far on referrals it's going to be a great week. I can't believe we're going to have 80 degree weather here...I thought it was supposed to be winter!

Ladybug landing and trial run of a sick "child"

Early this morning, around 2 a.m. I was awakened to the sound of a serious sneezing fit by my dog Hope. I have never heard her sneeze that much or that deeply. I got up, checked on her, invited her to sleep with me but she refused. She plopped herself down on the floor with a little sigh and ignored me. Fast forward to 7:30 a.m. Hope has had several more sneezing attacks followed by drinking a whole bowlful of water. She looked at me pitifully so I decided I would call the vet at 8 and make an appointment for her. Dr. Lord (who is the BEST vet ever) diagnosed my furry child with a sinus infection (how appropriate since my whole family constantly suffers from them). She had a slight fever and a red throat. She is now on antibiotics and bendadryl. She also got a steroid shot. She seems to be feeling a little better and is sprawled out crashed by my feet as I write this entry. Now I have had a little preview of having to get up with a sick child. I was pretty tired early this afternoon but like a little train, I gathered some steam.

I also had a little visitor while I was outside watering my trees (we're in a rain drought right now) that I planted in the spring. It came out me quickly and landed on my arm and yep, you guessed it...it was a ladybug. I let it crawl on me for a little bit before it flew away. It was a nice little reminder and sign that this is going to be the year I get my daughter.

Happy New Year 2008

This is the year that we May 2006ers get our children! It has to be. I'm out of my funk and am feeling strangely optimistic. I went to Mass yesterday (it was a holiday of obligation) and it was in celebration of Mary. A strange, calming feeling came over me when I knelt down to pray and I heard a little whisper in my heart that reassured me that my Grace is coming soon and that I would be okay.

I played chickenfoot dominoes with one of my best friends and her family for the New Years. I had so much fun even though I was threated of disownment by my friend's mom because I won the first game. The one thing I was upset about was the popping of the fireworks that gave my poor Hope serious distress. I had to sedate her earlier and it didn't really work. She was a little freaked when I got home right after the new year.

I also know this is going to be a great year because I found some great shopping deals. I got a $90 dress for $11 at Dillards...400 count sheets for $20.00 and today at Pottery Barn, I found the exact shower curtain I didn't know that I had wanted for $6.00. Yippee.

So, I am praying again for us all. We will be getting our children. We will make it!

Good Chick Flick

Yesterday, the cure for my blues was going to a chick flick with one of my best friends. I saw 27 Dresses and it was FABULOUS! I laughed and laughed and ooohed and awwwwed. It's funny how going to a 90something minute movie can make you forget all your issues. So, going to the movies (especially a funny movie) is a great way to make you feel better...that and a great pair of shoes or finding a an outfit or something you want at a great price.

Christmas Blues

Yeah, Christmas wasn't so great. I didn't realize how sad I really am until today. I just wish that those (i.e. my family) would get it. They don't understand how hard it really is because they have never experienced something like this. So, today I am going to wallow in myself and be bummed. This evening I will pick myself up, brush myself off, put on my happy face and take it again one day at a time.

19

Yep, nineteen months logged in and still waiting.

Fingerprints...Done and an Anniversary

Yesterday I got my fingerprints redone. Woo-hoo. I really hope that I don't have to renew them again. The guard/receptionist guy said to me, "Wow! Haven't seen one of these in a while...they usually come in spurts." That was interesting. The lady who did my fingerprints felt so bad that I still hadn't gotten my child so she's going to pray for me. This is good. The more people who pray for a speedup the better. So next milestone is receiving my renewal of my I-171H.

I saw Alvin and the Chipmunks last night with my friend, D. It was okay. The people behind us kept talking loudly despite D's loud teacherly shusshing and so it was hard to concentrate. Kids will like it though. It was nostalgic though when they sang the Christmas song. It made me remember the Alvin and the Chipmunks album I had growing up and my sister and I would sing along. My favorite was Ragtime Cowboy Joe.

I have my Christmas shopping done and now I am preparing my house for Christmas (cleaning! yuck!). I am again hosting since it keeps me busy and my mind off of the disappointment of physically not having my Gracie with me this Christmas. This time it looks like my parents, my sister, her husband and the three kiddos as well as my aunt, her girlfriend and my other aunt are coming over. I'm pretty much doing all of the cooking...turkey breast, ham, tamales, mashed potatoes, beans, rolls, cranberry, truffle pie...it'll be good. Then we can play DDR (Dance Dance Revolution) and work it all off.

OH! I did get some good news the other day. Summer school is going to be at my school this summer so that means extra money (like nice extra money) which translates into more money for my adoption fund. Maybe this was one of the reasons that I haven't received my referral...God is making sure I have more than enough money.

Lastly, on this date in 2005 (2 years ago), I received a coveted single spot from my agency. It has been an interesting, life changing and unpredictable experience thus far. Happy Anniversary!

It Must be Fate!

Today, my best friend Sandra and I played hooky and did our annual Christmas shopping trip to the outlet mall. So, Sandra needed to get ornaments for her department because she wanted to add that to the chocolate/orange cookies that she was baking for them. We found a store that had ornaments for $.99 which is a steal. I am so not totally looking for anything. I put up my little tree and I think I'm good for ornaments. We were walking along the shelves and what do I spy? Chinese New Year zodiac animal ornaments and Chinese robes! Of course, I get one of every one that they had. This really isn't the fate part, it'll come a bit later. Then Sandra keeps walking down the aisle and lo and behold, what does she find? An ornament of an orange dipped in chocolate (like her cookies) and it was marked even lower! How cool was that! Okay, so here comes the fate part. Sandra glances back and sees these little pink, foofy stockings that had little girls' names on them. She asks me to look for one with her daughter's name, Holly. I go over to the rack, I grab one and the name on it is "Grace". "Hmmm...kinda strange," I think to myself. I go to the backside of the rack to a whole different row and grab another one, guess what that one says? You guessed it, Grace! I think it is a sign that my daughter indeed will be coming home soon. Now, I looked at the rest of the stockings because my first thought was that the rack only had stockings with "Grace" on them but those were the only two. I couldn't find a Holly one. Of course, I did buy the stocking and what made it even better, it was only $1.07 including tax! It's small things like this that God gives us to remind us that good things (our children) are coming around the bend. It helps us hold onto that fragile ledge that we're clinging to for our dear lives during this bumpy ride of Chinese adoption. It truly has been my saving Grace for this week.

UGH and Small things that make me happy

I admit that I'm a rebel at work. Not in a bad way though. I don't let administration bully me and I really advocate for my library and my assistant. Today was one of those days that I was bucking the system. I was already in a bad mood because my AP decided to move all the furniture in my library for our faculty meeting so he could have just chairs in a circle. Yeah, that's great and all but I had students coming in first period to check out books and they couldn't get into the stacks because there was furniture in the rows! Did my AP make sure the custodians were ready to put it back together? Was he there helping me, Anita, my student aide move furniture frantically so we'd be ready? That would be No, and No. So, he was not my favorite person. So, when he made me draw for a day of the week to do D-hall for tardy sweep (3:45-4:15), I pretty much came unglued. It may not sound like much to everybody else, but my library is open until 4 every day. I have more kiddos coming in after school now because the mornings (again, another duty, every day from 7:50 until 8:20) have now been invaded by an academic coaching center and alot of my regulars need peace and quiet to do what they need to do. ANYWAYS...to make a long story shorter, we exchanged e-mails that resulted with me not having to be part of it, but it took a very strong voice. I know my friend, D, who is a teacher at my school thinks I'm being a big whiner, but she doesn't get it. I, unlike her, am on duty every morning before and after school. Tardies don't affect me so the whole tardy problem honestly isn't my problem. I do hall duty and herd kids to class during passing periods. Anyways, it's fixed.

BUT, what made me happy was knowing that I have new books coming in from processing. There are several titles that I'm dying to read (as are some of my kids who saw that they have been entered into the catalog and they are busting at the seams). And the other thing that made me very happy was doing a whole installation of an under cabinet CD player in my kitchen with no help. I was so proud of myself. I'm a regular Renaissance Woman.

Two more days until Winter Break. I can make it. I still have a lot of shopping to do. My mom told me she wasn't going to do any more shopping before Christmas and she would get me what I wanted after Christmas. You think it would be much asking her for my daughter? Honestly, that IS the ONLY thing I REALLY want for Christmas.

Cure for the Christmas Blues

For those of us who have been waiting and waiting and waiting, the holidays, especially Christmas are trying times for us. In our minds we are picturing celebrating these joyous days with our children who we have been waiting for. The realization that it's not going to be this year is heartbreaking for most of us. Last year our thought was, "I'll have her this time next year." That thought again is playing through our minds like a broken record. We have to hold onto these little pieces of hope so we can keep our sanity. We have well-meaning relatives and friends asking us the one million dollar question of when the joyous day will occur which is like a knife in our guts. We don't know and we have to remember that they don't get our pain and that they really are well-meaning when they ask these questions (these questions that make us want to poke our eyes out with spoons!). We also go shopping and see children who might resemble our children on Santa's lap or we go into stores and see cute outfits or toys that we want to get for our children. It makes it hurt that much more and the holidays become something that depresses us. I'm tired of being sad and depressed. So, I have to gear up (gird my loins as it was said in The Devil Wears Prada) put on my smilesand take a deep breath and try to focus on something else. I have decided that this Christmas, I am going to do a little retail therapy and focus on my family, friends and my furry baby, Hope. I am going to sing Christmas carols as loud as I can when I'm in my car. I'm decorating my Christmas tree and putting the wreath on my door. I'm going to send out Christmas cards. Finally, I'm going to do a lot of praying for all of us that we will see positive movement in our waiting line and I'm going to pray for patience for all of us. I tell you, I'm singing Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer pretty loud right now and it feels better (my neighbors might not think so) and I've got some Christmas cookies for breakfast and I'm thinking, I'm going to be all right. We all will. We can make it!

BTW...they took the lump from Shannon and it turns out it didn't go into her lymph nodes. That was my Christmas miracle (because they said it was a fast moving, active cancer). So, this leads me to believe that all things are possible and this truly is my cure for my Christmas blues.

DDR & Luo Pan

I have to tell you that I truly do believe in fate. It's small, stupid, and insignificant things that truly make me a believer. Today was an example. I had to go to Wal Mart today to get kleenex and water for work. Strange, I know, but we needed them. I wanted to go earlier around 9ish but Shannon and I both forgot our lunch (actually we haven't been bringing it this last few weeks) and I was going to go out to get it. I didn't want to leave twice because I didn't want to lose my space, leave Shannon twice and frankly, I was feeling a bit lazy after my whole blood pressure episode yesterday. I decided to go around 11ish and then pick up our favorite Subway Meatball Marina meal right afterwards. I got what I needed but I wanted to check the prices of the coax cables so I went to the electronics section. I have a Wii and I am totally wanting DDR & Guitar Hero so I went to the case and to my surprise I found 2 things: DDR (Dance Dance Revolution) and 2 Wii systems. My parents had been wanting a Wii for themselves (my dad likes to play golf and bowling and it keeps them from bickering) so I was able to get both. These things are like hard to get. It was fate because they had just put them out and there were 3 people after me looking for them. So, now my parents are proud owners of Wii. I'm still on the hunt for Guitar Hero though. I'm so ready to "play" a little Metallica.

I got my Luo Pan yesterday for Gracie and for my best friend's daughter, Holly. I got them from Annabelle's Wish and 100% of the profits go to help Annabelle's Wish which helps Chinese orphanages. They still have plenty available. I'll have to put a link or you can google it to get one. It's only $10 a doll. Luo Pan is too cute and I can't wait until my daughter gets her. Holly, who will be 8 months next week and who just started crawling two days ago is 1/4 Chinese (my best friend Sandra is half) will love having a doll that looks like her.

So I guess what I have learned today is that fate has a way of righting everything. My time will come and all will be right. I'm hanging onto this.

Double Good News

I got good news yesterday. It's weird to even say how excited and relieved I am over something like this but yesterday Shannon found out that it's only stage 1 cancer and is only in that one place. It seems that it is only 1.6 cm but it is an active cancer. She will have a lumpectomy next Thursday and they will probably take out some lymph nodes. Radiation for a couple of weeks will follow that and possibly chemo. I can't tell you how relieved I felt yesterday when I heard this news. I am so thankful to God that I don't have the words to express my gratitude. I did go out and get her get well/Christmas present early, Guitar Hero III so she can actually have fun during her recovery time. I just told her not to pop any stitches when in star mode!

The other good news is that the stork landed and people got to see their child's faces for the first time these last couple of days. It means we are one step closer to seeing our children's faces. We will get through this and in the end, this wait will seem like a blink of an eye. I know it's hard and it sucks, but we do know this...We will be next one day soon and we will get our children! Have a great weekend! I plan on it because life seems a little more precious to me!

Sad News

Today was my sister's 41st birthday but one of my saddest days. One of my closest friends as well as my assistant found out this morning that the lump in her breast was indeed cancer. I'm devestated for her and her family. She just lost her mother in June. I pray that it hasn't spread to other parts of her body. I pray for strength for her and her family to overcome this terrible disease. Before she found out, she told me that she had prayed to God that if it was cancer, that He would give her the strength she would need to overcome it and handle it. I think she knew deep down because she was worried. She's always the strong one who doesn't worry. She's still the strong one. She was comforting her daughter and not vice versa. I am in awe ofher strength. So, what I am going through in waiting for my child is NOTHING as compared to what she is going through. I am going to be strong to help support her and I'm going to pray, pray, pray.

18

Today marks 18 months of waiting for Grace.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was a nice, peaceful and relaxing day for me and my family. It was just me, my mom and dad. The food was good, we talked, watched TV and went to see August Rush. It was a day that made me reflect on all of the things that I am thankful for. So, here goes...
I am thankful for

• My faith in God
• My family, especially my parents
• My grandparents
• Knowing that I will be a parent someday soon
• My dog Hope
• My friends, especially D and Shannon and Matt
• My fantastic job
• My house
• My car
• My ability to laugh at myself
• My tenacity
• laughter
• Hope (you know seeing things in a positive light)
• Loving and being loved
• Being able to get up and motivate and move around
• Good health
• Books
• Chocolate
• Italian food
• Bread
• Pumpkin pie
• Whoppers
• Muppets
• Disneyworld and Disneyland
• Beautiful art and buildings
• the Beach
• Beautiful weather
• Jeans that make you look good
• Beautiful and comfy shoes
• Purses
• Funky jewelry

Okay...I could go on and on, but I do have a lot to be thankful for this year. It helps when I can write it down and read it. I don't feel so bummed.

I actually dragged my butt out of bed this morning around 4ish to go to JCPenney's for the annual Black Friday sales. I am hoping this will be my last one for a while, not that I don't enjoy the hunt. I got some good deals. I only spent about an hour there and went back home and crashed. My family came over for leftovers, including my sister and my niece and nephews. We played Amazing Race game, WII and then went and saw Enchanted. Another great day to be thankful for. I'm praying for all of us still...we're thankful that we will have that chance to have a child from China and I'm praying it will come sooner than we all expect.

Ladybug sightings and Yellowjackets

Today, my mom called me and said that she had a ladybug in her lap. Then my best friend called me later to say that she had one in her car. Double yea! Last but not least, I found a penny heads up on the sidewalk on my daily walk with my dog and mom. Triple luck! Could this be a sign of good things to come? I certainly hope so.

Of course, my luck was briefly marred by my encounter with a yellow jacket in my bathroom. I am telling on myself big time. In fact it's embarassing but funny at the same time. I was in the bathroom, doing what we do in the bathroom, when I felt something on my ponytail. Well, what do you do when this thing keeps bugging you...you swat at it, which led me to realizing that it was a yellow jacket. It gave me a mini sting on my thumb and proceeded park itself on my chones (underwear in spanish) around my ankles. All I could think about was getting stung in personal places and I began to panic. So, when you panic, you try to flick it off your drawers. I thought I was successful and as I was pulling them up, an electric needle prick burned into my upper thigh. A high pitch strangled scream was reverberating off the bathroom walls...I realized it was coming from me. I knocked that yellow jacket to the floor with my magazine and boy did I squish it. I didn't once think about Bee Movie...I had to squish it. I have never shimmied out of my jeans so fast as I sprinted to put some comfrey leaf salve on it. I now have a small red spot that's a bit sore, courtesy of a yellow jacket. I'm sure it'll teach him to bother a person in the bathroom again.

So, here's hoping that the ladybugs bring us all luck! Happy Thanksgiving to all. May you have many blessings!

One More Week and then VACATION

I just got back from the Spurs game and they were killing the Bucks (poor Bucks...I didn't know they had a player from China). There was this cute little girl and her father sitting behind us (my friend got us seats in a superbox which was SUPER COOL) and it reminded me of when my dad used to take me to the Spurs game when I was little. It was a nice distraction.

Turkey Day aka Thanksgiving is my FAVORITE holiday. I can't wait. I have dreams of turkey, stuffing, rolls, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, and PUMPKIN PIE! My mom is hosting and I'm cooking. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE cooking this meal and I'm so excited that I get to. The sad thing is that my family is split so I probably won't get to see my grandparents (one of my aunt's is taking them to their friend's house) and my uncle is going somewhere else, and my other two aunts, who knows where they'll go (both are unmarried...one lives elsewhere). Frankly, because of all of the drama and things that have been revealed about them (i.e. my aunt putting my grandparents' stuff in storage only to take it out and sell it without permission from my grandparents!...being ugly to each other, etc., etc.) I'd rather they not come and I can share my favorite holiday with my parents, sister, her husband and their three kids and my dog Hope. It just makes it easier. I just hope that next year, which was the same wish I had last year, that my daughter will share my favorite holiday with me next year.

Gotta Love That Stork and Travel Training

The stork has landed yet again at my agency. For a supposedly small month, my agency had quite a few referrals for one LID date. What's good about it, is that the line has moved yet again. It's baby steps closer, but the key word is CLOSER! I'm very excited for everybody who received referrals. Yippee!

I went to travel training workshop this weekend. I took my parents (since my mom is going to travel). The one thing I learned that I honestly never knew was that not to wear religious jewelry because Christianity is illegal in China. I did a little research, being the information specialist that I am, and it's sort of true. Religion is controlled by the government and one must worship in approved government churches and no where else. I understand that they will not build more Christian churches even though Christianity is growing so people are gathering and worshipping in other places and thus getting in major trouble. Makes me happy that I am in a country where I can worship at home or at church and I won't get arrested. The other thing that I learned is that my agency hopes to still travel during the Olympics but will avoid Beijing.